I had my first experience with a woman when I was seventeen. It was a total sursprise to me that I would enjoy it so much. I had always looked at myself as straight and I had no obvious physical indicators to tell me that I might be a lesbian. I was seveteen when she and I met. I lived with her for three months (at her parent's house. They did not know). Then I moved out of town to live with my father a couple of months before attending the University of GA, in Athens. While I was away at school, I had sexual relations with two men. I still did not identify as gay and I was too young to want to settle down with anyone. During that time, my father found a love letter my ex wrote to me. He opened it and read it and "was disgusted and threw it in the fireplace". He gave me an ultimatum, either stop seeing her or I will cut you off financially. My stepmother told me, "your father did not raise a daughter all these years just to find out she is a man." I told them to shove it and I went home to my dysfunctional mother and sister and brother. I did not continue seeing her and then I met a young man I was interested in. From that time forward, I knew I was bisexual but I would never act on it.
In retrospect, I believe I repressed my sexuality for over twenty years out of guilt. I did not want to disappoint my father.
Well, two years ago I wrote a fantasy, romance novel where females had intimate relations together. The feelings were finally starting to surface. I told my husband that I wanted to see women. He let me..... as long as I did not see men. Okay!!!!!
Well, it has been two years and that occured on and off during that time. Four months, ago I left him. We were arguing for years. And yes I had sex out of guilt and obligation. But with certain women (esp. more butch women) the sex was phenomenal.
Now that I am separated, I know that I am really a lesbian and I have no desire to be with a man again. They are attractive, but not what I want in a partner.
Now, I am free. I do not want a relationship. I just got out of a fifteen year relationship/ marriage. I want to have fun and meet people. I need time to get to know myself.
And now, I am happy. My parent's know now. My father is still not happy but he has acknowledged that he loves me and he tries to take care of me as best he can (he is 79 and retired). So Life is good. I am thirty-nine now. I just wish I had come to terms with this earlier. But all is good. I have a long life ahead of me, Goddess willing.