My Partner Died Four Months Ago

I wrote this three weeks after she died.  The original title of the blog post is "Losing My Split-Apart"

We talked about it sometimes. ‘Don’t die and leave me!’ I promised that she could die first, since it would be easier for me to survive her death. Nevertheless, we hoped, like Stephen from Family Ties, that one day we would say “One, two, three, die” and leave this life simultaneously, never having to be separated by death.

I wondered if it would be a yawning black void that would swallow me up. If the breaking of the connection would leave a gaping wound. Would I die of that wound? Or limp along sadly for many years with some vital piece of myself missing. I feared that I would be too strong to die.

She had filled all the big and little spaces in my life. There wasn’t much room for anyone else. We raised each other from cubs. Where she had bumps, I had grooves. We knew each other’s family and had been part of their lives since our mid-twenties. We were practically joined at the hip. Sometimes we could read each other’s minds. We were each other’s split-apart.

When I realized that she was no longer alive, I felt a sense of disbelief. She had really done it. She died and left me.

As I stood there, I knew with absolute certainty that she was gone. There was no trace of her. There was no void, there was an absence.

The first day was hard. But each successive day was a little better. It will be three weeks, tomorrow.

I cannot help but miss her. She made me who I am. Even if I were to leave this house that we bought and fixed, in which so many of our memories took place. I could not leave her behind. She is built into my molecules.

I think I will be able, one day, to live comfortably on my own. Today, for the first time, I was able to enjoy a solitary breakfast. I was down at the marina, in a fabulous little café, with good food, and lovely music playing.

So this is the new phase of my life, without her. Life must go on. After all, what is the alternative?
sdbear sdbear
6 Responses Jul 18, 2010

My partner died 2 1/2 weeks ago, and I can't feel that she is gone for real.I know it in some ways, but in so many other ways I just wait to se her coming in thru the door - I hear her coming. I was just looking around and then your story popped up, and I just want to say thank you for sharing. Thank you.

I am sorry you lost soemone you love.. I am sorry that has happened to you. It sound so beautiful that you loved each other that much. U are blessed to have had that in your life, truly blessed. My heart goes out to you and can only, love and be still. God bless u.

You are a strong woman and I admire you spirit

Sdbear, so sorry to hear about your loss. It seems that even though you have lost your partner, she will never be far from you. With you two sharing much of your life together there could never be a void because she will live in your heart forever. The many years you shared together will be what keeps you going as if she were still with you. Hopefully you can enjoy a little more of life because that is what she would want for you. I wish you the best and take care as you continue to heal.

I am sorry for your loss sdbear. It sounds like you have a strong spirit and want to live a happy life. I wish you the best. Take Care,

I am really sorry to hear you lost your partner in life, it must be a difficult thing to go through. We sometimes take our loved ones for granted then we read a story like yours and realize exactly what is important in life. Show the one we love how much we care on a daily basis because it may be one of our last days. You seem to have found inner strength and that is wonderful but I know you will see her again one day !! I hope you will be able to find happiness again one day soon !! Bless you !!