I Know Now

O.k. deep breaths... Hi! I'm Alichia, I'm 16(ignore the age sign). this is my first time sharing a story, bit nervous, but it helps knowing no one will judge me here.

Ever since i was little, i've always had back-of-the-mind feelings for girls. Of coarse, raised catholic/christian, i had no understanding of the words, "gay" or "lesbian". I experimented around the age of seven, i can't really remember if i enjoyed it at all, or maybe i was to young to recognize the feeling of enjoyment running through my head.

As i grew up, i noticed(now) how much i hung out with the guys more than the girls. I was like one of the guys played football, dug in the dirt and even picked on the girls with them. I first blamed this on being the only girl and raised with two brothers, but i always felt it was something more.

As a girl, i never liked girly things like tea-parties, barbies, and make-up, but those things were forced upon me by my father and mother, cause i was the only girl. Surround by the choking pressure of the church, i always had to act normal, seem normal, be normal, so i "liked" all those things as not to be outcasted.

I did the same throughout my life, "liking" boys, and make-up, and all that stuff. Even as i became a teenager and learned of things such as gayness and homosexuality and bisexuality, i became to understand what i was and why i was different, but again, like in my childhood, i pushed those thoughts back to the back of my head and focused all my energy on being normal. I practically programed myself to think "total hottie" and "soo cute" when i saw a boy, and to make faces and bad comments towards anything gay.

I got so good i brainwashed myself to do it even when no one was around, i even said those things in my head without even thinking. Even now(as i know i'm a lesbian) i can't stop doing it, its like a knee-jerk reaction. In the back of my head i had absolutly no intrest in guys, but i had to program myself to say the right things at the right time to keep my friends in the dark(thank god for acting camp)

When the twilight craze flew in(imma twihard, bite me) i had to, once again, train myself to swoon over the acters, have minni panic attacks when they came on tv, fan myself, check my pulse, and fan girl scream whenever necessary(i'm telling you the acting camp paid for its self). Even going as far as to faint when shown a particually hot picture of taylor lautner(team jacob b!tches).

Of coarse i was sick of it, but i didn't have the guts to come out to my christian home-school co-op(can't get more conservative than that). My brain felt so numb, I felt numb! Like i was no longer human, just a robot, programed with every straight response i would ever need.

The reason i started thinking about coming out was because of my 4-year long friend Erin. It wasn't cause i fell in love with her(it started out that way but we became more like sisters). But she had gotten a boyfriend, and i was jealous, not of her boyfriend, but of her relationship, i felt bitter and envious that i never share a relationship like that with a guy. I've had several boyfriends, but they turned out to be more like brothers. One day i was lying down and started seriously thinking. I think i secretly already knew that i was a lesbian, i had to face the facts, i was never intersted in guys, i have no problem talking to them, i don't get nervous around them, but when my gal pals would touch or hug me my skin crawled and my heart went through the roof. Now looking back i've never had a real conversation with them, its always been about guys, jonas brothers, harry potter acters, or twilight acters, never a real talk, the only one i did that with was erin and it was just because she was my sister.

Even though the facts were there, i couldn't accept it, too many years of "boy" brainwashing, and shoving my true feelings down had made me reluctant to admit it, truthfully i was afraid that if i did the world i built with my lies and awesome acting would come crashing down.

I don't remember how i decided to accept myself as gay, it was partly because of Erin, i felt like i betrayed her by not telling her, we shared everything secrets, messed up childhood, and candy, how could i be so selfish as to keep the biggest part of my life a secret from her? i knew she wouldn't judge me, and she wouldn't tell my secret till i was ready(that acually proved wrong but i forgave her)

Finally i was able to do it, i accepted my self as a twilight loving sexy awesome and proud lesbian, i came out to my parents(didn't really say much true story i just handed them flyers i printed out with the title"how to cope with a gay child" and basically told them to figure it out), i went on several websites and found the girl of my dreams(^.^) i mended my personal relationship with God(actually our relationship had never been stronger than the moment i realized i was gay). And my head is finally starting to clear out all my programmed "boy" answers.

Right now only my family, erin, and dustin(her boyfriend, the one she spilled the beans too) are the only ones who know of my sexuality. My only obstacle is to tell my school(20 people including teachers). I'm very afraid i'll get kicked out or shunned, i know many of my friends would accept me and have no problem, but its the parents i'm worried about, they all come from very strict christian/catholic/methodist back rounds and look very badly upon gays and the gay community, i know, my parents, who i thought were very liberal christians, came down on me,HARD, with the whole "we don't condone this kind of lifestyle sh!t. Even going as far to say i was making it up to get attention(never yelled sooo loud in... my... life)

so i'm wondering do i tell my school, my mom's telling me to wait, but i want to take my girl to school things like science fair and prom. would it be unfair to leave her alone just to keep up my reputation?
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3 Responses Jul 20, 2010

i only say wait b/c you are young. i didn't come out till i was 25. not saying you should wait that long. lol! but HS can be a hard place for kids. and if i came out that young i know every day would be hard at school. then to come home to unsupportive parents, would only make it that much harder. To know who you are is a very powerfull thing. and you should feel great about that! just wait untill you graduate, feel as that day is your coming out party! once your free to enter the new world with rainbow eyes, you'll see who your true friends are and the new ones you get to meet!

Yes you need to wait. High School is neither the place nor the time. So many things change from 16 to say 20. The discrimination you will face is more than any one person should try to handle - and youll be better equiped to deal with it when youre slightly older. I cant remember 16 and i can remember how fragile you are emmotionally. Wait until your older and out of school and surrounded by more open minded individuals.

Normally I would say the best things in life come out of the closet but, in your case i would hold off. I think your mom is right for you to wait. Only beacuse you have such a small community and the values they hold may not allow them to accept you. It would not benifit you in anyway. Infact it could be a danger to you. You know who you are, and the people you care about support you in your lifestyle. Isn't that all that really matters? Once you get out of that place I would gay it up girl!