I Am A Lesbian

hi! :)

i am:
socially isolated

i can join this group "i am a lesbian" but i cannot join the group "i had my first lesbian experience" unless kissing counts.

some people tell me "well you can't know you're gay unless you've had sex" but i know that's bull because it assumes heterosexuality. so that's obviously wrong. and i've tried things which have told me i'm not straight, or bi like i always used to think i might be... and i have a raging sex drive so i know i'm not asexual. by the way, none of this is meant as 'enticing words'. i'm quite stuck and not proud. it's like a rite of passage to adulthood that i'm denied. it's important to me.

i am in love.
but can't be with her.
(uk to australia with no income... it's not happening)
so we're both single until we can finally meet.

i've been in tears all today.
i just can't get past the idea that nobody nearby enough to actually go through with it wants to share the most magical closeness that can be shared with me. or that those who might will never know.

i try, i get out as much as i can afford, but it's not much.
there are no jobs for somebody with a sparse work history here.
not enough of them, too many other people going for them.

^ now, i'm doing something about that!
it might not "count" but i'm not sitting on my arse waiting to die.
i'm training in sports.
eventually when i turn pro, i'll get to travel.
i might not be rich but at least as part of the nature of the sport i'll get to travel and that'll lead hopefully to work.
so you know, i'm not just giving up.

with a job comes income, and with that will come social opportunity, and with that will come social closeness. hopefully. when i turn pro and start travelling. the bit i'm stuck on is that that's going to be at least a few months further down the line (only been training for about a year), and in the meantime i have this crushing feeling of loneliness.

a very strange loneliness because it's coupled with a feeling of far-off love. but nevertheless, loneliness. for sex. which is part of love. i am not whole.

anyway... i dislike this state i'm in because naturally i'm really bubbly and spirited. depression just plain isn't my wallowing ground. it's alien and strange and i don't like it. that's why i want rid of it.

anyone got any advice?
or, if no advice then... um... i guess this serves as an introduction anyway. lol.
Torthrodhel Torthrodhel
26-30, F
3 Responses Dec 23, 2011

Of course they are like you or me. They are different into sex because only don´t prefer opposite gender. They feel compatible inside the same ones. They have won or corrected to the nature laws living an existence against tide. The world commonly don´t understand and attacked them. However gays and lesbian are persons who fight hardly at life and get recognition in work. Great artists and scientists have been and are hidden or declared homosexuals. Don´t be afraid to be like them. Get out of closet. Falling into slump is stupid attitude. Make your best effort. Read a funny novel where gay and lesbian stand out in important roles. Open webpage: menoscal.com . A different experience will flood your life.

i don't follow web links like that. but i do like what you said before the web link. :)

I do hope you don't mind, but my Love and I had a little talk about your email. Money appears to be big problem. Have you considered having your own business. Could you possibly walk peoples pets when they are too busy to do so. Offer to water there plants when they are away. Are there many older people in you area? A very usful job where we live is being a personal shopper for the elderly. Picking up the medications, buying their groceries, just things like can bring in some decent money.<br />
Now, I am going to ask a very personal guestion that you do need to answer. Have you learned to satisfy your sexual needs by yourself. Sexual frustration can be very damaging to a persons view fo the world. <br />
We understand you disliking the term "sell youself" but the way you are living is not giving you any sense of fullfillment. The years will go by and before you know it, you will be an old woman wishing that you would of. <br />
You alone have to power to change you life.<br />
In the end, all we can do is to tell you the best of luck.<br />
Lizzy and my Love. (Let us know how its going)

I don't mind, certainly not. If I meant it to be private, I wouldn't be posting it up on a public forum without any kind of privacy note attached to it. :)

I have considered having my own business and have taken a course about that, but in the end I realised that I am far too naturally disorganised to make that work. I don't mean in a mamsy-pamsy kind of sense... I mean I literally would be taking a huge, not very good odds risk with serious debt even if I gave it my all and tried my best. I just don't have a head for business, as it were. But... it was good to do the course and discover that, rather than simply not knowing.

The only real kind of work around here that has any possibility of vacancies all the time is care work. But you don't get to pick and choose what you'd want to do, of course... it's all sewn up and of course you have to take what's available. Personal Shopper seems pretty cosy to me but it could equally or probably more likely be Personal Hygeine Helper. Not that that's a problem in and of itself. Just saying how pet walkers and personal shoppers aren't things that are waiting around for somebody to think of... they are occupied just like the rest of the positions. Until somebody gets fired and frees up the next space. Also, a Personal Shopper position would almost certainly require a driving licence around here so that's not an option for me.

I am going to look into care work more, though. It's about the only industry that's thriving around here. Competition's still fierce but heck I've fought above my weight class before, so-to-speak... so I'll keep doing that. Something's gotta turn up, surely. I say that, but it has been about 6 years since I last had a job (not counting 2 days for which I actually ended up losing money). Nevertheless, slowly I'm learning and improving how I look, I guess. Still, this is all unlikely long-term stuff... and if I got a job it might not even last very long, who knows. Something I'll still try for but nothing I can rely on. Gotta be realistic or else all I end up with is dashed hopes.

There is a training thing I'm going for that's for adults with autism to take, to train to be speakers or similar types of thing. Sounds fairly promising... nevertheless, a matter of months before it could possibly go anywhere. Still, worth going for so I've put my name down.

As for learning to satisfy my sexual needs by myself... that's a more complicated question, but overall I reckon not. I have got used to as much as I have just by practice... I have only fairly recently looked up stuff and tried to actually learn about it. Didn't know about the G spot before but like the article said it doesn't do anything for some women and I guess I must be one of those, if I'm touching it right (which I don't know). I get quite a good ****** from the outside, though, although it does take a fair while (I actually timed it once... took about half an hour). It's cold, though. The way that it's not another woman with me does bother me, does diminish it. Having never had sex, it doesn't really make sense that I would know that! So I don't know how I know that! Just instinct I guess, or ancestral memory, or past life residue or whatever else it might be... to describe, I tend to begin with rubbing above and aside, and rubbing over with inward pressure... sometimes gentle pressing on and off with the inner lower part of my finger especially if it's still a bit dry... gradually builds up to intense up and down rubbing with pulsating pressure above from my palm, and by the end it always ends up in a kind of side-to-side motion, exciting the inner labia. At the end I'm quite rough and my body will contort backwards a bit, with my head spasming rapidly to one side and the other but mostly staying on just the one side. Usually looking to my left. Afterwards I feel rather pleasant. Definately I enjoy it. But there's always something missing, something hollow about it. It's just me, I'm acutely aware and mindful of how it's just me, I long for it to be more beautiful than that. Sometimes in my dreams I get a suggestion of filling that hollowness and it causes me to near ******, sometimes for a little bit after I wake. Never quite gets there though, because I know it's not real, so it's a bit frustrating, yes. I have put up with sexual frustration for a long, long time. It feels like it's harmful, but I haven't had much choice in the matter. I try to stay positive, and confident, and manage to most of the time, despite the situation. I'm crafty, though, and I'll think of something. I always think of something. Sometimes takes a while.

By the way, when I said "it's cold" above, I didn't mean cold temperature, I meant empty-feeling. And, thanks lots for your concern and advice, I appreciate it! :)

I hope that you are letting your sexual desires hold you back. We have learned that there are many who are closet lesbians, afraid to talk about her needs. You are not alone, be discreet when discussing sex, but let out little clues and open the door so others can share their needs with you. Are there other women involved in you sport? Watch their actions, is one of them flirting with but you are not seeing it. Flirt back, discreetly.<br />
If being a virgin bothers you, do something about it. You will not go to hell because you discovered what you have been missing. Start showing a cleavage, wiggle that arse, sell yourself.

While I've always had a bit of distaste for the phrase "sell yourself"... I do know what you mean by it and I guess sometimes I do it... it just feels so futile sometimes. But... like you said, I'm not noticing everything so it might not be.

The one time I successfully got to do some flirting was actually with an audience member at a wrestling show I was there to watch (wasn't then yet ready to participate in it). It was a lovely little happening that I hadn't got to try before. But then it was gone... she said she'd catch me again at training since her and her guy were interested in bringing along their kid... haven't seen her since. I don't know if she meant for a secretive thing, but she was definately responding... I wouldn't go for a secretive thing, but there wasn't too much opportunity to make that clear, so I just had fun being a little bit cheeky.

I'm not hidden about my sexuality. I say it proudly and honestly. I guess sometimes I might be a little too open... not discreet enough... when discussing sex. I'll keep it in mind to try to be more discreet.

Hmm... I know of four women who take part in the training I do, although none of them on as regular a basis as me (although one of them has the rather valid excuse of having just had a baby!). She's happily married... another one is happily together with someone (which I found out by venturing a few questions)... the other two are good mates but too young for me (and one of them is happily together with someone besides). Lols, all tied up! Never mind though. Honestly, I think of my fellow wrestling trainees more as family than as potential sex friends.

One woman in the zumba classes I take catches my eye, partially because I *think* she's given me some signals... although since I decided it would be a fine time to mention it to her, I haven't seen her at the class. Although, I did mention it to the instructor. So who knows, she might give her a quick whisper in the ear when she gets back, or something. This woman... I don't know much about her, only her name really... she's very attractive, probably a bit older than me but that never seems to bother me as much as the other way around... she giggled with me in the breaks between songs a lot, said the way my miniskirt moved was really nice (without any prompting), seemed to grin a bit when I told her I had a girlfriend (which I did at the time)... hope she comes to the class again in the new year. About half the people seemed to drop out coming up to Christmas so hopefully it was just a temporary glut of drop-outs due to busyness who'll come back anew once January rolls around.

I have one offer of sex from when I was exploring a swingers site one time. She's lovely and her husband would just watch (which I'm fine with)... but I can't find a way of getting out to near where they are. It's understandable and reasonable that they only want to travel half-way. Damn I wish I had my own place and a job, then problems like this wouldn't crop up. Never mind. But yeah... that whole experience of going on that site gave me a LOT of confidence, because I got a lot of complements. So it was a positive thing.

I don't have much of a cleavage to show, but I do tend to like to put it on display nonetheless. :)
Oh I definately wiggle my arse! Love doing that. Love dancing, it's so much fun.
Difficult to get out partying very often, though. Transport, drinks, etcetera, all so expensive.
I'm gonna have a looksee if there're any new year parties going on, though.
If I could get a midnight kiss, that'd be quite a strong starting point for something sexier...

I have in the past been quite stuntedly afraid to talk about my needs. But my spilling on this website is part of that trend shifting. Thanks for the really cool reply!