I Am A Lesbianhi! :)
i can join this group "i am a lesbian" but i cannot join the group "i had my first lesbian experience" unless kissing counts.
some people tell me "well you can't know you're gay unless you've had sex" but i know that's bull because it assumes heterosexuality. so that's obviously wrong. and i've tried things which have told me i'm not straight, or bi like i always used to think i might be... and i have a raging sex drive so i know i'm not asexual. by the way, none of this is meant as 'enticing words'. i'm quite stuck and not proud. it's like a rite of passage to adulthood that i'm denied. it's important to me.
i am in love.
but can't be with her.
(uk to australia with no income... it's not happening)
so we're both single until we can finally meet.
i've been in tears all today.
i just can't get past the idea that nobody nearby enough to actually go through with it wants to share the most magical closeness that can be shared with me. or that those who might will never know.
i try, i get out as much as i can afford, but it's not much.
there are no jobs for somebody with a sparse work history here.
not enough of them, too many other people going for them.
^ now, i'm doing something about that!
it might not "count" but i'm not sitting on my arse waiting to die.
i'm training in sports.
eventually when i turn pro, i'll get to travel.
i might not be rich but at least as part of the nature of the sport i'll get to travel and that'll lead hopefully to work.
so you know, i'm not just giving up.
with a job comes income, and with that will come social opportunity, and with that will come social closeness. hopefully. when i turn pro and start travelling. the bit i'm stuck on is that that's going to be at least a few months further down the line (only been training for about a year), and in the meantime i have this crushing feeling of loneliness.
a very strange loneliness because it's coupled with a feeling of far-off love. but nevertheless, loneliness. for sex. which is part of love. i am not whole.
anyway... i dislike this state i'm in because naturally i'm really bubbly and spirited. depression just plain isn't my wallowing ground. it's alien and strange and i don't like it. that's why i want rid of it.
anyone got any advice?
or, if no advice then... um... i guess this serves as an introduction anyway. lol.