Make Yourself Proud,dont Worry About Anyone Else.

When I was 4 the idea that I would be anything other than what I was seemed silly to me. I was so shy in one respect,but had the strongest will I have ever known. If I wanted to wear something because I was comfy in it I didn't care what it looked like,or what I looked like in it. I would say what I wanted (without being rude or disrespectful ) and if I wanted to play with something or someone in the playground that made me uncool I didn't care because it made me happy. I was like that for a long time,until my late teens. Thats when I realised I was attracted to girls and ultimately gay. That little four year old would look at me now and be ashamed.not because im gay,or even because im hiding it but because I did what was so unimaginable and became something other than what I was. I stopped doing the thing that made me comfy in all aspects of my life and became unhappy,which,on past form is not me. Instead of going for a walk in joggers and no make up to cover blemishes like I used to I found my self putting on jeans and using concealer....all because of what other people would think if they saw me 'slobbing it'. It does't sound like a big deal and its not,if jeans and concealer was who I am but its not. I guess,though im no psychologist, I guess that being uncomfortable with my sexuality as a young woman,slowly made myself uncomfortable with all of me. Self doubt is like a cancer and it spreads to every part of you in the end. I think what I have always struggled with is that I didn't want to be gay. That sounds stupid but its the only way I can explain it. I've had a difficult life and just for once,in one area of my life I wanted ease and not having struggles.it took a long long time to accept myself and although I am still not 'out' I have come to terms with my sexuality.but, because of the years of not being myself I fear that little four year olds bravery and strength is lost and im not sure I can ever fully get back to being nothing other than me.comfy. I just wanted to say to any young girls reading this who are struggling with them selves,please,please dont do what I did. You dont have to come out if you dont want to but please dont let anyone stop you from being you.if you wanna wear jogging trousers and no make up then do it! Dont worry what other people think,its what you think about yourself that matters. Just be yourself.like I said,that doesn't mean having to announce to everyone your gay but just dont let others make you fell bad for being that way,or any other way you may be. So,next time I feel like going out in jogging trousers and no concealer im gunna do it, it wont be pretty to anyone else but it will be pretty comfy for me! Just trying to make that four year old me proud!:)
heartholdshope heartholdshope
22-25, F
1 Response May 4, 2012

Good for you!