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I Finally Understand...

I've been on and off for various reason with a girl, my love.. my everything... for a little over 3 yrs..she's amazing, beautiful.. intelligent.. loving.. kind.. but Just recently.. meaning about 2 hrs ago.. I realized something... She's been keeping to herself and staying away from emotions for awhile.. n we talked about it and I knew why.. she has alot of memories of her childhood pent up and she needs counseling, and the fact that our families are not even remotely okay with homosexuality is more stress added on top.. I've made a promise to her that I'll stay by her every step of the way, but the truth is there's a large enough possibiltity that after everything she'll move on, and decide that she wants men.. I do everything in my power to make her happy, and make her feel loved.. but.. im not, because im understanding... and im struggling to be understanding that she needs time to find herself.. although I may be alone in the end.. I'm..letting myself down and I didn't even know it.. I JUST realized it.. I've felt flints of love towards her, but it wont manifest, I wont allow it.. why would I?.. give her my world when she only looks at it unknowing if she really wants it. I kinda don't have any fight left in me.. and I'm not looking at another soul.. woman or even a man.. just her.. other women are fun to flirt with, and that's where the buck stops.. I'm tired of lending out my emotions on the premise that MAYBE I'll show her that I love her so much that I'm worth keeping.. I can't prove anymore and she gets all of me for little to nothing in return... she loves me, and she kisses me.. I know she cares, but love without commitment is heartache n I'm kinda sick of that...I'm REALLY sick of that.. idk what tomorrow holds.. but, I'm just living for me.. although I'd much rather love her and live for us.. its not in my hands, i've chased her as far as I can.. I'm numb now, not angry, or disappointed, just tired...
Thumpur Thumpur 22-25, F 1 Response May 6, 2012

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I feel the same way :(((