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I'm On The Edge Of Giving Up.

Sometimes I really question the meaning of love. I tried, I really did. I may not have fell in love many times enough times, but the times I did was enough to keep me from wanting more.

I am a closet lesbian. I had a plan, to come out of the closet when I met the one. This might sound stupid, but at least then I know there will be someone who would support me unconditionally, which I needed the most.

I have had countless crushes on people whom I know would never develop feelings for me, out of which I would say I've only fallen in love once. I didn't confess, I just didn't dare. It was too obvious she wasn't interested, but I can't help it. I kept the feelings for 3 years, and now, I feel like a complete idiot. This is what exactly kept me from wanting more again, I'm just really scared of the pain that comes. It hurts, too badly. And I'm not someone who lets go of my feelings well.

Until recently, I met a girl, I kind of see a future in her. I liked the relationship as it is now, we're close friends (but with a larger group of others as well). I told myself I'd wait and see how, and if she isn't the one, I should probably back off. But for some reason, every little crap she does makes me feel like ****, and it sucks more than ever. A single text she didn't reply makes me feel like killing myself for who knows what reason, and I'm very sick of tired of myself for feeling this way.

Then, I figured she is straight (or at least was). But she hadn't had a boyfriend since 2 years ago. And I'm using this as the very excuse to hang on with the relationship. This isn't healthy, and I know it darn well how it will end up.

But I really don't know what to do anymore. If I were to leave and find someone else, I'd face the same thing all over again, right? I'm just SO TIRED of trying. I'm 20 this year, young, maybe. I never had a girlfriend, and I feel I'm never going to have one.

Any advice on what I should do now? :(
schs2403 schs2403 18-21 3 Responses May 10, 2012

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I will be a lesbian with you xxx

unfortunately, your idea of only coming out to the 'one' once you've found them is going to be pretty hard to do, how are you going to meet them in the first place? haha<br />
i think the reason you're so hung up on this girl and the one before is because you haven't been in a real lesbian relationship before, and therefore you're craving for intimacy with anyone you take a liking to. You're 20 now, and as hard as this is to take, you're going to have to realise that the easiest way your going to find other lesbians etc is to come out. Just start with your friends first, hopefully theyre at a stage where they are mature enough to accept you for you..and some may even be in the same situation! <br />
i know its so easy for me to give all this advice and very hard for you to carry it out, but you need to start acting on your feelings or else you could still be in the same position 10 years from now.. hope this helped haha good luck :)

hey... DONT give up... like you said it yourself...you are young now... its okay you never had any girlfriend in past.... but thats your past not future... you have never been dated doesn't mean you will not ever.... so dont give up on LOVE this soon.... now about this girl.... again dont give up... i mean if you will give up on her you will think about her always that she was worth a chance.... or What IF she would have said YES... so try to get rid of this What IF... i am not saying that you jump on her saying I Love You.... but give it some little try...like let her know you like her... or you like spending time with her.... and then where things goes...and even if she says No... dont be upset.... there is someone made for you and you will find her sooner or later.... i am 29... had many girlfriends in past one but still single... and still looking for that one... because i know i deserve that love.... so never give up on Love... it will come to you.... and dont stop trying... cause you cant find Diamond untill you wont dig a lot of coal.... now chin up and make your mind and go for it!!! you will gonna get what you want.... :)