I'm On The Edge Of Giving Up.Sometimes I really question the meaning of love. I tried, I really did. I may not have fell in love many times enough times, but the times I did was enough to keep me from wanting more.
I am a closet lesbian. I had a plan, to come out of the closet when I met the one. This might sound stupid, but at least then I know there will be someone who would support me unconditionally, which I needed the most.
I have had countless crushes on people whom I know would never develop feelings for me, out of which I would say I've only fallen in love once. I didn't confess, I just didn't dare. It was too obvious she wasn't interested, but I can't help it. I kept the feelings for 3 years, and now, I feel like a complete idiot. This is what exactly kept me from wanting more again, I'm just really scared of the pain that comes. It hurts, too badly. And I'm not someone who lets go of my feelings well.
Until recently, I met a girl, I kind of see a future in her. I liked the relationship as it is now, we're close friends (but with a larger group of others as well). I told myself I'd wait and see how, and if she isn't the one, I should probably back off. But for some reason, every little crap she does makes me feel like ****, and it sucks more than ever. A single text she didn't reply makes me feel like killing myself for who knows what reason, and I'm very sick of tired of myself for feeling this way.
Then, I figured she is straight (or at least was). But she hadn't had a boyfriend since 2 years ago. And I'm using this as the very excuse to hang on with the relationship. This isn't healthy, and I know it darn well how it will end up.
But I really don't know what to do anymore. If I were to leave and find someone else, I'd face the same thing all over again, right? I'm just SO TIRED of trying. I'm 20 this year, young, maybe. I never had a girlfriend, and I feel I'm never going to have one.
Any advice on what I should do now? :(