Lol, I Thought I Understood

Me and my ex have been playing around with the idea of moving in together.. starting over.. falling in love again.. all kinds of things.. all the while having ground breaking sex.. at first I was 100% not there.. just.. idk going through the motions.. any flint of love I felt I would through out the window. Then she started to kinda show me that she wanted this for real.. not a relationship.. but if I could just wait she could get there... she needed to get herself together, emotionally and mentally.. she needed time out of a relationship.. but she didn't mind being intimate with me.. which took some time for me to understand.. but I did.. I was finally okay with being emotional with her.. without the title.. Forgive me, but I like insurance and guarantee.. why invest if you can leave when you want? But then love started speaking and it said, "if you show her how much you love her, then she'll see and want to stay.. ".. so thats what I did.. I was completely understanding and patient.. Then it got to be too much.. so instead of stressing her out I pulled away.. she started to notice.. and I wasn't doing it to be malicious.. I was just protecting my heart... She decides that she doesn't want me to pull away and puts in a little more effort.. as far as making big decisions go.. so lately me her and two other friends decide we should move out and move in together.. the problem being tht me and her would have to share a bedroom.. because 3/2 apts are all that are in florida.. and all that are available for the price we can afford. I love her, but that was really risky.. first off our parents know we're gay.. found out about it.. blew everything up.. and now we're not even suppose to be speaking to each other.. but we've been having sex.. we're both 20 almost 21.. but very ruled by our parents. But I said fxck it, I want her, she wants me.. lets get this done.. I kidd you not. Just as I start to feel that love for her coming back.. and resurfacing, and letting my walls and barriers go away completely.. she tells me that she's thinking of enlisting in the reserves so it can pay for schooling as a child psychologist and for people who go away to war and come back with PTSD.. I can support her in this decision.. but not as a her gf.. or even a lover.. I clammed right back up.. and I knew this was going to cause a problem.. I love her, but I cannot do that.. the weeks away.. the possible deployment overseas.. I'm already allowed for this to be a no title commitment thing.. which im JUST coming to terms with.. but idt I can do this.. n she's angry because she would support me.. But she's never been sure of the gay lifestyle.. to walk away by default is easier for her than me.. She's saying she doesn't want to do a student loan and FASFA wont pay for all of it.. which I totally understand.. but I swear if my dreams came in the way.. which they have multiple times, I alter them.. *shrug* maybe I'm stupid, but love doesn't happen for everyone.. why would I throw it away for ONE career? Because the job will forever be there? and the relationship might not be?... yeah, that won't hold u close at night.. Love just means more to me, career means more to her.. I could've left for college n I didn't I stayed in state.. because I wanted to be with her.. i can't see anything wrong with what I did.. ppl say I limited myself.. but she's the only thing in the world that makes me so happy.. the only person who loves me inside n out.. Why would I walk away from that.. in hopes to find it elsewhere?? Why?????? its right here!!!! I really do give up though.. I'm just gonna do what I have to.. I can't hold on, n compromise, and hold back emotions, n understand this feeling, and understand that action.. I've been waiting for 3 years for her to at least be serious about being with women.. or with me.. I can't invest n wait around for her to decide she wants to go to the military or mayb just go to school elsewhere.. I just can't. and call me inconsiderate, idc.. but I have my limits.. I would love her forever, but she's either pushing me off, or running away.. *shrug* she may not be doing either.. but that's what it feels like..
Thumpur Thumpur
26-30, F
May 15, 2012