Trying To Figure Out The TruthSo I turned 40 this year and it really got me thinking and evaluating myself. First I am married with 3 kids. The youngest being 17. This is my 3rd marriage and we have been together for 12 years. Over the years I have found myself attracted to women but ignored it. More then a few times have met someone that I thought I could be with them. My parents are extremely against gay and I guess I felt guilty? Its odd but since i have turned 40 I feel like I have missed out on something, like I wasn't fair to myself. I think about having a girlfriend,a best friend and it hurts to think about. I am married and he wouldn't understand. He comes from a strong catholic family. I feel so confused. I love him but I feel more like great friends. Sexually its ok, but lets just say I have better sex with myself =-) Guess I just need to actually say it aloud and not hold it in so much. My friend was joking with me about going to a gay bar. She said they are so fun and part of me was thinking she was testing the waters to see what I would say. Since then she moved and it hurt to think I didn't try and see what happens. I asked my husband once would you consider it cheating if I slept with a women. He laughed and said no, can I watch. I was like NO. He said well if you wanted to try that's fine but I wouldn't want you to have a relationship with a women but if you were curious I would be ok with you trying it out. It would be hot. I found myself with mixed feelings. Part of me was like ok he would be ok with me exploring these feelings even though I didn't really tell him about my feelings. The other part of me was like I am so not sharing this with him because it would be for me not to turn him on and then it irritated me. I don't know guess I should just stop stressing so much, not like I know anyone I could explore with and it wouldn't be fair to someone to try to go on dating sites.
Advice would be great,