Trying To Figure Out The Truth

So I turned 40 this year and it really got me thinking and evaluating myself. First I am married with 3 kids. The youngest being 17. This is my 3rd marriage and we have been together for 12 years. Over the years I have found myself attracted to women but ignored it. More then a few times have met someone that I thought I could be with them. My parents are extremely against gay and I guess I felt guilty? Its odd but since i have turned 40 I feel like I have missed out on something, like I wasn't fair to myself. I think about having a girlfriend,a best friend and it hurts to think about. I am married and he wouldn't understand. He comes from a strong catholic family. I feel so confused. I love him but I feel more like great friends. Sexually its ok, but lets just say I have better sex with myself =-) Guess I just need to actually say it aloud and not hold it in so much. My friend was joking with me about going to a gay bar. She said they are so fun and part of me was thinking she was testing the waters to see what I would say. Since then she moved and it hurt to think I didn't try and see what happens. I asked my husband once would you consider it cheating if I slept with a women. He laughed and said no, can I watch. I was like NO. He said well if you wanted to try that's fine but I wouldn't want you to have a relationship with a women but if you were curious I would be ok with you trying it out. It would be hot. I found myself with mixed feelings. Part of me was like ok he would be ok with me exploring these feelings even though I didn't really tell him about my feelings. The other part of me was like I am so not sharing this with him because it would be for me not to turn him on and then it irritated me. I don't know guess I should just stop stressing so much, not like I know anyone I could explore with and it wouldn't be fair to someone to try to go on dating sites.

Advice would be great,
lifelongconfused lifelongconfused
6 Responses Aug 3, 2012

I was in a very simular situation. I always had these feelings for women but I hid it from everyone including my hubby. Shortly after our marriage, he told me his fantasy was to see me with another woman. Of course I said never but on the inside, I was like ...hell yes I want to be with another woman but I don't want you to watch! For ten years he stayed on me about this. I thought that if I did it, It was only fair that he could do it too! I didn't want that. One day I was telling my friend about this fantasy, she got a strange look on her face but didn't say anything. The next day, she comes to me and tells me she wants to do that but not with him watching. I of course said thats his fantasy not mine. long story short, one night we got drunk, did it and I went straight home and told my hubbie. I was very excited and said great, now, do it again so I can watch. I went back to her and she said she would do it again but not with him watching. It was the beginning of the end of my marriage! He felt as if I betrayed him, in a way I did, but I think he just used that as an excuse to do what he wanted to do and of course I liked what happend with this woman and Have been with quite a few since! oh..and my marriage did end in divorce. I mighta shouda made that a story! Sorry!

I love your honesty with self, first off. Not many women can admit to themselves that something is missing, especially in a relationship that's been solid for so long. I would be the first person to say go for your gut feeling. If you have this curiosity and it's this intense, then it's something you want more than to experience with. I can't wait for the update.

Oh boy, a married woman came after me a few years ago. It took some time for her to get me in bed because shi was married. We carried on for several years and you story sounds like hers. So now it been five years since she first slept with me and she had two more girlfriends. She cant stop, she loves girls and she needs to divorce her hubby. Once you do it and like it there is no turning back

Thanks so much Midnitrozei & yungdoc for you comments. I do feel like I would like to go there but not sure where to even start. I have a wedding ring on so I that would scare a lot of women away =-) I feel so out of my element. I think i will keep my eyes open and see how it goes. I just dont want peopel to think because I am married that I must want a ********* because that is no not what this is about. Not sure what the next step would be after that but I think I need to follow my heart instead of living for others. My kids are all grown up now and at this point in my life I dont care what my mom thinks any longer.

If your woman's intuition is telling you that its ok to have these feelings then guess what?, it really is ok to have these feelings. Now the big question is do you infact want to take this to the next level? Personally speaking ....... you should. You need to get it out of your system so you can move forward in your life. Now, the next question you have to ask is, what happenes if and when I do try it that I like it way too much and wnat to keep doing it? Then you should ...... because you will like it ...... and afterall your hubby said it was ok with him. Just make sure you are doing it for the right reason when you do actually have g/g sex ..... and that would be the only reason (YOURSELF). No guilt should be associated with this act because you were given the OK sign from your hubby. No guilt should be associated with this act beause the sexual pleasures enjoyed by two women are deffinately not the same as between a man and a woman. So, stop the game playing in your mind and look for the cues and signals from other women around you and go for it. Picking up another woman is easier then you make it out to be and you will infact be suprized at how many women will want to be behind closed doors with you. Have fun and good luck, Stephanie

I'm married and have very similar feelings. I asked my husband the same question. He was ok with me "trying things out" with a girl. <br />
Sexually I find her very amazing. It's incredible. I'm glad I have explored my feelings. However, I still don't know what or who I want. Being with another woman is awesome. With both of us being women, it's very easy to know how to please each other. <br />
On an emotional level, women can be very challenging. But I'm glad I've had the experience. Not sure which direction things will go, but at least now I have facts to support my decision either way.