I Miss My Mama

I really wasn't sure which group I wanted to post this in, so I figured I would post it here since this is where the majority of my friends are. This is kind of a confession, kind of me just needing to talk kind of story. Naturally I welcome any and all comments.

I miss my Mom. Its been a crazy week for me at work with flip flopping between 3 different shifts in order to fit my Dr's appointments in and I'm pretty sure I have only gotten 6 hours of sleep all week. I didn't get home from work until midnight last night and had to be up by 4 this morning to be at work by 6. I couldn't sleep. I kept seeing my Mom's face and hearing her voice and I wanted so much to reach out to her. She knows nothing of the events that have occured over the past month and the only communication I have had with her was an intense fight via text message where she proceeded to tell me what  a horrible sexual deviant I am and to remind me that I am not welcome in their home.

So why do I miss her? I haven't been able to come to terms with her feelings towards me, even after all these years. The thought of being held by her and breathing in her scent and hearing her voice literally brings tears to my eyes as I write this. I ache so much for my Mama. The last words I said to her were, you no longer have 3 daughters. She said she would grieve for me but she would not change the way she feels and that she stands firm in her convictions.

If you have read my story, The Life and Times of Little Brother, you know I state that I am not happy about being gay. This is exactly why. I love my Mother so much and I just pray that I have the strength to stand firm in my convictions and not break down and call and denounce who I am just so I can fill that huge, gaping void in my heart that is her. I hope that she will someday understand who I am and ultimately just love me back.
texastomboy texastomboy
36-40, F
4 Responses Aug 3, 2012

I am sorry for your pain and emptiness. To still be able to think of and talk about her in such loving terms shows what a beautiful and warm person you are. My sexuality has placed some distance between me and my family, but I would be terrified at the prospect of never seeing my Mum again. We all need a Mama to hold us. Stay strong my love. xx

Ultimately I want to come to a place of forgiveness for her and for me for holding on to this pain it's only hurting me she drinks so much to not feel her own pain; then she is 'gone'....<br />
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I do know that I don't want the relationship to stay in this void. <br />
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The last time I saw her she was so vile and full of hatred and depreciation towards me , even dad apologized on her behalf.

Wow, Babe, that is awful. You know in your heart that you are capable of forgiving her. At the end of the day, you are responsible for you, not her. Like myself, you have done nothing wrong. I forgive my Mom, I simply wish she could forgive me. But it's crazy to think that because as I just said, I have done nothing wrong but I still feel this overwhelming need for her forgiveness. I don't know...I thought prayer was the answer, but I'm not so sure anymore.

*hugs dear*<br />
I've ached for mine for roughly 32 years, I feel it's enough blood, tears and hope spilled on my part. <br />
I am in a numb and void place re my mom now. <br />
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She 'sides' with my ex abuser.

I'm sorry to hear that Sweetie. It sucks that you and I have to have that of all things, in common. You know I'm here for ou. **hugs**

me too waiting for your prayers.all the best