My Best FriendOk, how I really started to figure out who I am. I didn't really care nor was it my concern before about my sexuality. I grew up with my mom's teaching's of, "if it makes them happy, why make them stop" that kind of deal. Love is love basically. I am open to whatever.
Anyways, I met my best friend when I was 14/15ish kind of deal and she's a year and a half younger than me. I first seen her and instantly I was drawn to her. I'm a make friends everywhere type of person so I wasn't exactly surprised but this was a little different. I was young yet and just made it out as, "I'm supposed to know this person." I've dreamt about her before even meeting her. The friendship with her was always a déja vu kind of thing. I remember even talking to my mom and gran about some of these dreams, I knew I've dreamt about her. I didn't even know her at the time so these dreams were confusing! When I finally seen her for the first time I immediately knew that I had to get to know her.
There was nothing sexual about it. One of those great people that you know will influence you amazingly throughout your life. She had/has a tough life yet she strives to make it through everything. She's strong, strong-willed, strong-minded, level, smart, loyal, loving, caring, amazingly beautiful. Everything. Who wouldn't be so drawn to her, everybody she encounters is drawn to her. Of course I fell in love with her. She is the most level headed friend I would ever have. Being around her and it made me that much more level headed and in every aspect of myself that I love I drove to be better for myself, she inspired me to be the best I can be.
We started hanging out a lot because we shared friends and a new school year was just starting. I was already in high school (grade 8-12, small town) and she was just entering high school. We are both easy going, love to make people laugh, loving, caring, there for our friends, naturally we were there for each other. I found that later...well I was addicted to her. I can't exactly place when that happened but the realization slowly hit me. The more me and her hung out and the more things we found we had in common, well, the more I needed to be around her.
I loved making her laugh, having deep conversations, ranting about our lives while laughing about it (which we did a lot, even if 5 minutes earlier something made us punch a wall or cuss our heads off, we laughed about things all the time), playing video games, walking around town, listening to music. Eventually a lot of the time it was me, her and her family around. There was a summer where I would bike (which is about an hour bike ride because I live on a rez, she used to live in town) everyday to go hang out with her. Even when absolutely nothing was happening, I still loved just being around her. I wouldn't admit it to myself for the longest time, I really loved her. I wanted more with her. I hid it for as long as I could. We spent so much time together, I wasn't ready to risk space from her. I didn't want to scare her away from me because even if she said no, I didn't want to lose the friendship.
One summer, I think 2 or 3 years into our friendship, we went to a camp called Power of Hope. An amazing, unforgettable time there, all three years me and her went. Anyways, our first time to this camp. We aren't really feeling it, felt kind of cheezy at first and halfway through we start clicking in with everybody else. We had lots of fun, made some friends, teased people as we met them and told them we were twins, they always fell for it. Another year goes by, we go to the camp a second time. This is well into my addiction with her and we are sharing tents this time. She keeps me close, especially as people are trying to get closer. Links her arm with mine, lets me massage her back, wrestle around in the water, leans on me all the time, bugs me more hardcore than she would back at home (poking, pinching, all around bugging me). Third year (I'm 18, going to be 19, she's 17) at camp, I get to hold her here and there throughout the week, she keeps me closer than the year before. A lot closer, a few times when I've held her she's linking her fingers with mine as my hands are around her waist while we sit on the floor. Every time one of those moments would come along my heart would race, my mind would blur, my imagination is telling me to kiss her, to whisper in her ear that I love her (which I did once, she did like it, she smiled and kind of snuggled closer). Then another part of my mind is telling me to get back in the world again, we are at camp, she gets like this at camp. She gets like that when people are trying to be close with me. She insists on being near me (which I am always a sucker for in anybody). I don't know what to do. I want so badly to let my hands wander, treat her how she deserves to be treated, show her just how beautiful she is. I can't though, I don't know where she really really really stands. I want to so badly though, I keep self control as best as I can and just hold her tighter and nuzzle my cheek into her neck while I close my eyes and remind myself that there's people in the room. When I open them again I am able to listen to the person speaking in the front of the room, I look around and there's people cuddled here and there. This wasn't a sexual camp, this was just a loving, open, caring camp. No religion, no racism, no electronics, not even swearing (which is actually amazing to have a week with no swearing anywhere XD). Although I still badly want to pour my heart out to her and admit to her that she is driving me crazy for her...I don't.
She has moved, her life has changed but once I've finished high school I move to the same town as her, just to be closer to her. We do the same thing, we hang out almost every chance we got. We walk around all the time, take a basketball with us where we go, play hack where ever we can. Now I end up back home at my moms for a night or two. I am missing her like crazy, neither of us has a computer. We have to go to the library to check emails and such (2005, I was too broke haha) so I am sitting at my moms and I can't stop thinking about her. I end up emailing her this long letter of me confessing my love for her. I am so nervous for about 2 weeks, I seen her 2 days after I emailed her and spent everyday with her still. We are sitting at her new place and she's checking her emails on this older guys laptop (her gramma's friend) and she gets real quiet for a while, I kind of look at the screen and there's my email, my face goes >.< and my heart starts pounding. It's late at night, I don't know what she's going to do or think. I make myself fall asleep eventually, she sat there on that screen for a long time...I check my email later on, I don't remember when exactly but my heart drops. She has turned me down but that doesn't mean she's going to stop being my best friend.
She still is my best friend, I still love her with all I've got but I actually view her as my best friend now. Our lives have vastly changed and we live like a 12 hour drive away from each other but we do our best to be there for each other. I had to stop kidding myself over her, I taught myself that nothing has changed between us, she didn't change her attitude towards me one bit. We hung out everyday that we could, we shared a 2 bedroom apartment together for over a year. We visit each other when we can, chat when we can, catch up when we can. She has a family now, two sons and is still with her man. She used to tell me she wonders what would have happened if we ever could have gotten ourselves an apartment in the town we were trying to move to next. If she would have stuck with her man if our plans fell through. I don't know exactly what she was saying but I don't know if she knew either. I miss her, with all the distance between us now. She was my rock. My best influence on life. I hope to really reconnect with my best friend again soon, we need it
There's a small fraction of my best friend story there. I have so many stories with her <3 (: I feel so lucky to have such an accepting and loving person in my life that isn't blood family