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Operation Tell Mama I’m Gay - Failed

I know from the title alone it says I’m a complete loser already.. hahah but what the heck, I’m still telling this to get this off my chest! So yeah, I know a week ago, I’ve told my life changing plan to come out of the closet.. Well, was coming out of the closet as good as it sounds while I was planning it? Or was it a wrong decision? Hmmm.. Let me start..

Okay, so far, I have told 5 of my closest best friends I’m a lesbian.. And I have my fair share of “Whaat?” “Are you serious?” “But you look like a girl!” “You’re kidding right?” “How can that be?” “When did you become one?” LMAO.. it’s funny, to see their reactions.. I have to answer all their questions about it.. And the great thing is that, they still love me!! Awww… im lucky to have them..

But what I didn’t know is that, when I told each of them personally.. They revealed something to me.. So yeah.. 1 is a lesbian.. 3 are bisexuals and are in a relationship with a girl.. And 1 is straight.. Well, you can tell, coz she’s pregnant.. LOL I was surprised too.. I was keeping a secret from them, and they were too! Well, im not focusing my story here although this would be a funny one! LMAO! But naaah, this is my coming out story with my MOM! bum BUM bum bum! LOL

I still remember it like it was yesterday, well, it did happen yesterday..lol.. September 7, 2012, 11 in the morning. I was having a great morning when my mom visited me in my apartment.. I was in a good mood thanks to Jade..*special mention* haha Since, I don’t cook, I have no food there so we decided to walk a few blocks to buy something to eat for lunch.. I know I was planning to come out to my mom on my birthday, which is next month, but the countdown was painful! I feel like I’m going to be HANGED on my birthday,. So I decided to ruin the plan and go for today.

After buying our lunch, I was eating fruitcake.. and we were walking back now. I can see now in a far distance the apartment I’m staying in.. the pressure was building up.. I need to tell now or never.. So this is how the conversation went..

Me: Mama? I want to tell you something..

Mom: What is it?

Me: I think I’m going to stay single for life, I don’t want to get married..

(She’s so against same sex marriage so I said this)

Mom: Oh, okay.. If you happen to meet the man you’ll marry please get to know him first so that you won’t get hurt..

(I was like, wtf? I just told her im not going to marry but she says this thing)

Me: Ma, I had a relationship with Dave.. I gave it a try but it didn’t work out for me..

Mom: Oh, why did you break up with him?

Me: It’s coz I didn’t feel anything for him.. Not a single thing..

Mama: Okay..

Me: Ma? Do you want to know why I have no plans of getting married?

(We were getting close to the apartment and the pressure was so building up! I need to say it soon before we reach the gates)

Mom: Why?

Me: It’s coz………(long pause, my heart was pounding, sweating, difficulty breathing..Should I tell or not?)…. It’s coz, …I’M A LESBIAN…

Mom: *cursed*, No, you are a girl. You are a girl..

Me: Mom, I am a lesbian.. I tried having a relationship with a guy I didn’t feel anything and when he held my hand or acted sweet? I feel like im going to throw up! THROW UP!

Mom: No you are a girl.. Your acting that way coz you haven’t met the right guy for you..I was like you before, I thought I was a lesbian but you haven’t met the right man yet.. You are a girl..

We reached the gates.. I couldn’t push anymore because she was so busy pushing im a girl.. ima girl.. im a girl! She wouldn’t let me talk.. hmmm…I don’t remember saying I was a boy.. Wow! That was disappointing.. when I reached my room, I cried like a baby! It was hard enough opening up to her about this, but she didn’t believe me.. it was a big OUCH! My first rejection, coming from mom..I cried.. All I wanted was my mom to accept me.. I wouldn’t care if the whole world hates me for being gay, as long as my mom accepts me? I’ll be happy!! Super happy! She’s my mom!

I guess it wasn’t time yet.. I realized it took me 22 years to finally accept myself being gay.. And it would be unfair if I expected my mom to accept me this instant after I tell her im a lesbian. I know I didn’t get the reaction I expected so I was disappointed. But I won’t give up on my mom.. I know I failed once.. But the first is the hardest right? I’ll still continue to tell her I’m a lesbian until she believes me! I know those words are running in her mind right now when she remembers me.. She’s in denial.. But I’ll still make her understand.. I guess she just didn’t expect to hear that from me.. I won’t give up on you mom, I will still tell you I’m a lesbian even if I have to say it a million times! Hahaha So yeah! I failed but it doesn’t mean I can’t try again! Hehe
deleted deleted 26-30 33 Responses Sep 8, 2012

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Why does she keep saying your a girl. Thats a key factor of being a lesbian. I came out to my parents(2004) about being mostly gay and they still don't accept me. Science even proves that you can't change your sexual orientation. Hope it all turns out alright ;-)

wattle 2--I feel your pain--I went through precisely that same emotions as you. I am miserable about my bisexual 28 year old daughter choosing life with a woman. My devout husband cannot tolerate it and my very elderly father will be devastated should he find out. Grieving is really the word. I am not sure I will ever get over it. Yes, I felt suicidal at times, too--if I upset her and I could not change, should I even stick around? Would she be better off without me? I am amazed at how little I care about most things now. I am trying to keep up a relationship with my beloved daughter but she knows how deeply upset I am. It is very difficult. Please tell me it gets better.

Dear poopiemama and wattle2,

I see on this website you made a reply to a person who posted about their experience of coming out to their mother, as a mother of one who had let you know about their identity:

http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Am-A-Lesbian/2558292

Can I say, I read your reply and agree wholly. That is precisely what my own mother would think.

Thank you for sharing your experience and feelings on what I can imagine is a very difficult, painful, emotional, wearying, sore, insoluble, wrenching ordeal.

I am writing because I would like to seek your anonymous advice.

My mother, as I described, is the same - and she would have such great difficulty with my identity as one who is same-sex attracted.

I live with my partner, who is also female. I am 28 years old this year. We have been together for 2 1/2 years, and celebrate every month the date that we met. We are very happy together.

However, a regular struggle for me is an incessant grief.

I feel a terrible guilt that I hide my life. I tell my mother that my partner is my housemate (it is only the two of us together). If I tell my mother that I even had a wonderful time at the theatre or at a party or event with my friend (which usually always is my partner), I have to change which friend it is in my account of the event each time. Because I can't be imagined to be spending my time this 'friend' only.

I feel an extreme unworthiness that my feelings and experiences are wrong. I value what my mother thinks and I don't want to disappoint her and make her ashamed and worried (and as you say, as well, of becoming part of a discriminated minority).

I feel belittled and reduced down to one thing. That, everything else that I am - a respectful, loving, kind, hard-working woman and doting daughter - will be all at once diminished just because another thing that I happen to be - one who is in love with another person that isn't expected to be the kind of person for me to be in love with - is not seen as the right thing.

Tell me, please. I struggle with this weekly. I imagine her disappointment when I am on the train home to my loved one, when I do the dishes, when I think of words like these. These are words for the first time that I am writing in a message that might see some response from the other side.

Should I remain silent on this matter to my mother? And pay for counselling to help me through it on my own?

Should I let my mother know now and start on some path of understanding and healing?

Should I create distance between me and my family (by working and living overseas) so that it becomes an easier transition as I become a 'stranger' to them first through distance and then through my life choices, as they will eventually come to know?

Should I wait until my partner and I have been together for longer, so that our commitment is more apparent?

I understand that every mother's response is different.

What would have you wanted?

I hope to hear from you for your help. If not, writing this has helped me anyway.

Kind Regards,
A

Give her time

My daughter recently came out to me; my reaction was somewhat similar to your mother. Being in denial was my way of coping. I was able to continue my relationship with my little girl. However, she became frustrated with this as I would not accept her long term friend as anything but just that, a friend. She tried to tell me they were in love. She now ‘pushes’ me to accept this. I am now trying to accept my daughter is in fact a lesbian. At 55, I know nothing of these things and have difficulty coping.
I feel as if my daughter is dead but cannot grieve, cannot attend a funeral, cannot get support from my friends, cannot bury her. I have to live with the ‘death’ of my daughter without the usual ‘closure’. We love our children unconditionally and I love my daughter. But is this ‘stranger’ my daughter? What has happened to the little girl I brought into the world 27 years ago? What did I do to cause this? Was it my husband's fault? Didn't we hug her enough? I can only remember both of us being the best parents we could. Is it because she has a twin brother and they spent so much time together? If it happened in the womb, did I do something during my pregnancy? Whatever, my hopes and dreams for her have now, in one foul swoop, disappeared. She has turned into something no mother would ever go out of her way to plan or want for her daughter. No parent wants their child to assimilate with a minority group unless they had to. We know this is not an easy life for them. Why has she made this choice? Is it a choice? Why didn’t she just leave me to my denial? A least I coped then.
Now, I have difficulty living with this. I was even suicidal, briefly, but have a husband and son also and I could never do that to my beautiful family. This is not anyone’s fault. My husband is going through the same self-recriminations, but is coping better than I. Having said all this, I am slowly getting there, I am an intelligent, well-educated professional and know that this wallowing in self-pity and that this depressive state will eventually kill me and is hurting my daughter. I am learning to accept what I cannot change. Everyone tells you that you are brave to 'come out' and that is so. But your mother, when she eventually accepts this (and she will) will truly be the brave one! You are being very responsible and caring by considering the difficulty your mother is having. Many people like you do not seem to stop to consider what this does to their parents. All I ever hear is about wonderful, brave homosexuals ‘coming out’. All homosexuals have a mother; they are the brave ones in my mind. If you truly love your mother as you say, let her live in denial for now if that's her way of coping. Don’t devastate her and destroy her life just yet, give her all the time it takes. Good luck xx

Seriously??? It's is hard for anyone to come out. It's not about you it's about your daughter. She has as much right to be happy as anyone else. If that means she's with a woman then so be it. all you "ever hear is about wonderful, brave homosexuals ‘coming out’. That's because it is probably the hardest thing a Lesbian or gay man will ever do. The thought of losing your family and the people who love you yet we do it because it's who we are and we are tired of living a lie.

Would you rather your daughter got married and had 5 kids just so you could feel better?

When I told my Mum I was a lesbian she said you're my daughter and i love you no matter what!! and gave me the biggest hug in the world. I was so scared of telling her but am so glad I did.

Please be kind to your daughter.

Dear wattle2 and poopiemama,

I see on this website you made a reply to a person who posted about their experience of coming out to their mother, as a mother of one who had let you know about their identity:

http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Am-A-Lesbian/2558292

Can I say, I read your reply and agree wholly. That is precisely what my own mother would think.

Thank you for sharing your experience and feelings on what I can imagine is a very difficult, painful, emotional, wearying, sore, insoluble, wrenching ordeal.

I am writing because I would like to seek your anonymous advice.

My mother, as I described, is the same - and she would have such great difficulty with my identity as one who is same-sex attracted.

I live with my partner, who is also female. I am 28 years old this year. We have been together for 2 1/2 years, and celebrate every month the date that we met. We are very happy together.

However, a regular struggle for me is an incessant grief.

I feel a terrible guilt that I hide my life. I tell my mother that my partner is my housemate (it is only the two of us together). If I tell my mother that I even had a wonderful time at the theatre or at a party or event with my friend (which usually always is my partner), I have to change which friend it is in my account of the event each time. Because I can't be imagined to be spending my time this 'friend' only.

I feel an extreme unworthiness that my feelings and experiences are wrong. I value what my mother thinks and I don't want to disappoint her and make her ashamed and worried (and as you say, as well, of becoming part of a discriminated minority).

I feel belittled and reduced down to one thing. That, everything else that I am - a respectful, loving, kind, hard-working woman and doting daughter - will be all at once diminished just because another thing that I happen to be - one who is in love with another person that isn't expected to be the kind of person for me to be in love with - is not seen as the right thing.

Tell me, please. I struggle with this weekly. I imagine her disappointment when I am on the train home to my loved one, when I do the dishes, when I think of words like these. These are words for the first time that I am writing in a message that might see some response from the other side.

Should I remain silent on this matter to my mother? And pay for counselling to help me through it on my own?

Should I let my mother know now and start on some path of understanding and healing?

Should I create distance between me and my family (by working and living overseas) so that it becomes an easier transition as I become a 'stranger' to them first through distance and then through my life choices, as they will eventually come to know?

Should I wait until my partner and I have been together for longer, so that our commitment is more apparent?

I understand that every mother's response is different.

What would have you wanted?

I hope to hear from you for your help. If not, writing this has helped me anyway.

Kind Regards,
A

My mother never had even the slightest problem with me being gay. She said I love you and when one day you find the girl for you I will love her too.

It's nothing you did. Believe me, I tried to "change" and be straight and I couldn't do it. Your daughter can still give you grandchildren someday and get married and everything else you thought she would do.

The worst thing you could do is try to make her pretend that she is something she is not. In the end, when your life is a lie it can destroy you.

thumb's up for your bravery girl...wish I could have the same guts as you do..haha my mom would always make parinig of "tanggap ko naman kung bakla or tomboy ang tao basta hindi sya papatol sa same sex" then I would answer her back "yun nga confirmation ng pagiging gay eh ang pagkagusto at pagpatol sa same sex" ...then she would turn silent.....then for about 4 years ago my brother couldn't take it anymore so he jumped out of his closet and revealed who he really is..then our mom got shocked at first then nagged at him LOL! and that's the start of her undying sermon about him being a gay.it's annoying coz even he's just with a guy "friend" our mom would assume that the guy is my bro's boyfriend...and because of that swore to myself that I will never ever disclose the real me to her because she will never accept it and I don't want get bugged by her sermons about that issue for my entire life....

dun sa sister mo na Queen of Homophobes?hahaha good luck...

well she has nothing to do about it but to listen...haha after saying your words wala na syang magagawa haha narinig na niya ang kagimbal-gimbal mong revelation! hahaha BOOM!

Telling our mom that we aren't planning on getting married, and that we like girls instead of boys, its hard.. Just a little piece of myself... 4 years ago, I had to tell her that I moved with my girl and she stopped talking to me for like 3 months, it was very hard, because she wasn't with me, and she still isn't with me, but finally things got better and we talk now, it was pretty sad...

so eventually you mom, will understand the situation

You did everything right and that you could have done. If i was you instead of pushing the idea any more with your mother just let it be for now. If she brings it up to you then worry about talking more. But live your life the way you want. Eventually she won't have any choice but to believe you when you have a girlfriend.

I'm proud of you. If you read my stories, you'll see I'm a middle aged married father of 2, grandfather of 3 who finally realised after 40 years of wondering, that I am bi. And happier for that realization.

Her denial won't change the fact you are gay. Hopefully, once she sees you are still the same daughter she's loved all these years, she'll accept that fact.

My daughter hinted she may also be bisexual, and I am both happy and relieved.

Keep the faith, lean on me if you need to. Jade is a beautiful, sweet lady who I love too, and am happy to have in my circle. Love to you both.

Hang in there! **** Chaney has a gay daughter, and if he can come to terms with it, there's still hope for your mom.

Don't label your self. your are just at typical confused girl with 0 clue what the real world is like. I am guessing you still live at home and barely work. I bet you are going to college and wasting time. trust me when you go out in the real world, start to work and live on your own your view of men will improve and you will realize how badly you want one. All you hear about these days are lesbians, what do you expect.

People dont become lesbian becausen they hear about it, they are born it. So don't talk about things you don't understand

I started laughing my *** off when I read mantion's comment.... I was like... "Wait..soo.. Did I miss something or did someone just not read the story...?" Like hell.. I read the story fully and I even knew that: 1) She did not live at home; 2) She's not confused; and that 3) mantion is an idiot... I hate people who think they knew what in the **** they are talking about.... You don't BECOME a lesbian.. You don't become anything.. You are born the way you are... And, FOR ****'S SAKE MAN, she's 22 (or 23 o.o don't know what day of October your birthday is..)... I'm sorry but that "confusion" stays in the teens... I remember being confused when I was around 12-14.. It's puberty ffs.. Your body goes through a lot of changes and you start growing up and realizing things about yourself.. For a close minded bigot to simply stroll in, completely disregard the entire story and then pull a comment out of their ***... -_- It's like, seriously? ... Sorry... I get really irked by idiots like mantion.. I do wish you luck though. :) You're a lot more courageous than me - to which case, I'm not sure that I'll ever get around to talking about orientations with my mom.. She's an extreme bigot.. Yelled at me and threw a fit when my grandpa logged on my grandmother's facebook (rare occasion there) and got peeved at me because of the fact that I made it a publicly known fact that I am supportive of the LGBTQIA as well as Pansexuals (which aren't mentioned, but I'm more than sure that I am one..but it's more confusing than just putting a name on it). I found out that day that my mom was severely anti-gay-marriage and she's too far past talking to. Whoops! Got off my train of thought. XD Anyways, I wish you lots of luck love. (:

Judgemental much? I love it when people talk about things they have no idea about! STFU, seriously, you sound like a moron!

Don’t know where to find a single lesbian ? you can go ~~~~ Lesmingle ~~~( bing it). it's the world's first, largest and most trusted dating site for Lesbian.enjoy it~~~~

I’m a lesbian

I posted a story abot my first gay lover and I was inspired by you to come out here thanks Crimson

I'm sorry telling your mom didn't go the way you wanted it to. But hey, way to go on coming out! Sooner or later I think your Ma will except it, she'll have to, she can't deny it forever.

Just keep telling her, eventually I think she'll go from, "You're a girl" to "You're a lesbian"

She's the one who gave up on you. Tell her you're that way probably because of all the pressure she put on you when you were a kid. Prepare a few "pressures" such as wanting you to look beautiful, scaring you from guys with all the protective sex talk. You get the idea. Make her be the one to blame, shes weak, have fun with it. Shes trying to pick on a weakness you have by repeating you are a girl.

I support you Crimson I am a Bisexual so I know how it feels to come out, my parents are accepting so it was easy. Friends and sister... not so much. But you gotta keep going. Support Gay, Lesbians and Bisexuals

My Sister and (former) best friend are major homophobes so i dont talk with them very muc, i miss them tho :(

Hey, you did your part. Congratulations on coming out, and I hope your mom will see the light some day.

Congratulations to u for talking to ypur mom and for coming out to her!! That was hard but not a failure! Your mom was and probable still is in shock, and she really isn't sure how she feels about her daughter being gay. It takes time and patience and you can not put a time limit on her accepting you being gay. And no, not all moms brains are wired the same way. My mom was awesome when I told her I was gay. And this was done when I was married and ended up having two kids. I have two wonderful kids, and I am in an awesome relationship with my partner of 12 years. My oldest daughter came to me and said mom, I have a girlfriend. I hugged her, and told her that I was proud of her for coming to me and if this makes her happy then I am happy for her. So like I said, moms minds are not wired the same. Give ur mom time to think about what u told her about u being gay. I know that u coming out hit her like a ton of bricks, but she loves u and wants u to be happy. Show her that u are happy in being u and u being gay has not changed who u are, u are still her daughter. Good luck to u, ur mom will come around. <br />
Oh, btw, I am 40 and my daughter is 17. U are a courageous woman, keep ur chin up, and be u!!

CrimsonRedd, there is no need to "sorry". Everybody is different in their way of thinking. Just remember that just because u are gay does not change who u r on the inside. U r still ur mothers daughter, and something else, when u talk to ur mom again, she may have questions just has mine did. My moms question was " how can u be gay and have been married to a man and have his kids?". Well, I wanted kids. And I love them both. But with ur mom the questions will be different, just reassure her that u r still her little girl and that u r happy with who u r and u just want her to be happy for u. And u have to give her time to adjust. It may not happen over night, but ur mom will come around, especially when she sees that u are happy. And the thing is, ur mom probably had a feeling that u were gay, an u just confirmed it for her and she is just having a hard time with it. She still loves u, if not, she would have said that she was disowning u. And she didn't. Tell ur mom that u love her and That u care about and respect her as ur mother. And just make sure that u give her has much time as she needs to digest the news. Good luck to you, and everyone here is here to help.

"but you're a girl"<br />
**** that makes me angry. Probably because this is my fear, that someone will say something like that to me if I tell them my secret(s)... I don't dislike your mom or anything from reading this, but I hate that idea. She's basically saying "sorry, that doesn't work, you're a girl so therefore you like boys, silly child". I hope she comes to accept you

yeah, one day we'll realize she can't change

I know it is easier said then done, but Don't worry so much! As you get older and you don't have boyfriend stories to share with your mother she'll get the picture. She may not like it but she'll get it! <br />
Good luck! Keep smiling!

It went better than it could have! Your mom is in denial as was mine but you still have a relationship with her. One of my friends was immediately disowned from her family and to tho day, she id not allowed to step foot in her childhood home.<br />
Just be patient and KUDOS for having the courage to share the real you! Hang in there! xoxox

I hope things mellow out with your Mother. It may take some time and patience. You have to remember that all mothers look forward to their daughters getting married and having babies. When next you talk with your Mother on the subject ask her what about it worries her. <br />
My seventeen year old granddaughter is gay and the entire family excepts it, with the exception of her other grandmother who is being kept in the dark because of her deep religious views. <br />
As I said, time and patience.

My parents didnt believe me either. They said " You're not gay ; youre just trying to hide how much you really like boys" lmao . what type of **** was that? We're cool now though. They know I'm gay and they've even been out with me and my gf. We're like family now. Everything will be fine. Just keep living your life, and she'll come around.

Keep at it and keep your chin up. You are correct that you shouldn't expect your mother to accept this aspect of you immediately, but if she loves you she'll come around. Find yourself a partner you feel love for and be happy. your happiness will go far to convince your mother.

Well am a mother and my daugther is a lesbian she came out to me bout 2 years ago And I Want mad because she is my child and I love her no matter what. And I told her I will always love her just like your mom loves u just remembrance that it might take time to understand it. But just hang in there.

No problem I was glad to put my two cents lol

While I can not relate to being gay because I am a heterosexual male, I am a father and you should know that parents love their children and make plans for them (even after they are grown and supporting themselves) and your mom is probably having trouble seeing that your path in life is not the path she had visualized for you. In her mind you have thrown her a curve ball and she is not quite ready to accept it, therefore she may not have really understood that you are truly a lesbian.<br />
<br />
I can only hope that if my daughter ever surprises me by taking a path that I do not expect (dates women or dates men that I am not prepared to see her dating) that I can be supportive regardless of how I feel inside. It sounds like your mom loves you but doesn't know how to react to the fact that you will not marry and bear grandchildren.<br />
<br />
I hope this does not become a rift between you and your mom.<br />
<br />
Jeff

it doesn't seem like a fail to me, as you did what you said you would do :). it seems to me like your mom just didn't WANT to understand what you were telling her? <br />
<br />
I find this story a bit cute. 'i'm a lesbian' 'no, you're a girl'<br />
:)

It wasn't a failure. You told her. As nerve-wrecking as it probably was. Maybe your mom was in shock and should come to terms with it. The bottom line is you did what you wanted to. You didn't keep it away from her. You were quite brave

Awwwww wow, :) love your story. As quick as I read at times I couldn't tear my eyes from the screen. I'm happy that you have no problem getting through this and that you understand that it can take time and she will always love you! Way to go :) best of hopes to you

heh ^_^ :P you're blushing? :) I know you'll get through it, ;) will all pay off somewhere at sometime right?

haha :) right on, exactly. The support lays with your loved ones! :)

:) anytime