Nothing Will Ever Be Ok. Nothing Will Ever Be The Same.

i realized i was gay while i was deeply involved in a straight relationship.
i didnt know what to do. he and i had a lot of problems, so i thought i would let our love be broken by one of any number of our desperate issues, and i would move on to women. he knew i clamed bisexual, and probably wouldnt think much of it. coming out to him as gay however, i knew he would blame himself somehow. he would hate himself, wonder what he did wrong, and it would perpetuate his and his familys ignorant notions.

a while later, our problems, as they frequently did, split us up. instead of rolling over under it as i always had before, i left. rented a local room, changed my address. i purposely ignored most of his calls and texts, because i was trying to leave him and put distance between us. i didnt even bat an eyelash at his pleas for my love and attention, he was always a dramatic and emotional person and had always talked about wanting to kill himself, and used his over the top emotions to manipulate me into staying. this time i even went so far as telling him that i refused to let his outbursts sway my clarity and that i would not be manipulated.

he had been hanging on to us since i left. calling upwards of 20 times a day leaving 5 or more messages, running on and on until my cell cut him off. he kept saying that even the slightest chance that we could be together was all he wanted, and that hed wait for me. about a month into this, i was losing my patience and getting sharp with him. finally one day, thinking he was far enough into this to handle a blow, i came out to him. he was, after all, my best friend.

he texted me some garbled goodbyes, and a few minutes later he called me at work. i was annoyed and gently told him i couldnt do this right now. he sobbed 'it HAS to be now'. he said he needed to know if that was the end, he wanted to hear me tell him it was really over. i wouldnt. he said he was lying in bed with a gun to his chest, and wanted to say he loved me and goodbye. he had done this type of thing before but this time my bones were cold, i knew something was very wrong. he hung up on me, i called 911.

nov 27 2012, taylor killed himself because i came out to him.
his whole family blames me, his mother screamed at me 'you killed my son you selfish *****!!'
they dont know what really happened yet. they think it was just because i wouldnt take him back; he had bought me an engagement ring just before i left him. soon his suicide letter will be released to his mother, and his cell phone. everyone is going to know that he died because i took for granted his emotions. i ignored him, i thought he was throwing a tantrum and i came out to him when the chance at my loving him again was the only thing keeping him from ending his life.

the guilt is too much to bear.
i dont know if i can live with this.

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4 Responses Nov 30, 2012

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Just know that it isn't your fault. I'm here for support. If you want to talk, just message me :)

it was not your fault believe me!!! i am a med student and i know about this add me and message me i dont want to talk about this in a plubic forum

dont blame yourself..its not your fault that he cant handle who you truly are..even if you did stay with him you will just realize in the end that everything is just a lie and he will be more hurt, and thats even worst than before..

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Sounds like he had a lot of emotional issues. For what it's worth, please don't blame yourself.