Last One To Figure It Out

This is going to be a very long story but it is my story.

I am 24 now and coming to terms with the fact that I am and always have been a lesbian. Lesbian in itself is a word I am actually not comfortable with, I have never liked it, and I don't really know why.  I will happily call myself a gay woman though because now I am coming to accept that how I always felt was fine. 

From the top.

I grew up in a very strict Ukrainian Catholic family on my dad's side, and a less strict but still very much church-y Anglican family on my mom's side.  I went to a Catholic school from the time I was in grade 1 until I graduated.  I never remember having crushes on boys when I was growing up, the boys just didn't interest me.  I do remember playing spin the bottle and secretly hoping it would land on one of the girls.  Or how we would get drunk in high school and make out it always meant more to me then I could admit.  Quite honestly it never dawned on me that I was attracted to the girls, I just thought how I felt was wrong and I was supposed to be with the boys.  Since I was about 16 I have considered myself a non-religious person and it likely has something to do with how I always felt a little repressed and insecure but I never knew why.  Now I know why.

I had a friend growing up from grade 3 (who is still my best friend till this day) that openly came out when she was 15.  In the school we went to this was a bad idea, it made her life a living hell.  Every teacher would stop her and ask her to speak with someone about the "phase" she's going through and ask Jesus for forgiveness.  Looking back I feel very bad for her.  That must have been awful and at the time I didn't understand how to help her.  I presented as quite homophobic typical of what a Catholic school will raise.  I was taught to fear being gay so I couldn't help her.  I haven't been that way for a long time now though.  As soon as I left high school and saw what they had indoctrinated us with I knocked that **** off.  Anyway, her and her girlfriend are getting married this coming summer.  Suck on that Mrs. C.

When I went to college I did get hit on a lot by a lot of guys.  I am attractive and while the attention was flattering it never really did it for me.  However, this is where I make an obvious mistake, I met a guy, dated him, and married him.  I was with him for five and a half year, married for two and half.

Here's the thing;  I never really wanted to.  And people always ask, "Well then why did you?", with a tone in their voice akin to blame or guilt.  I don't have a good answer other than I was embarrassed to call the whole thing off.  People had traveled from far, everything was set up, my dress was done.  As much as I did love him I knew we shouldn't and as soon as I put that ring on I knew I had made a huge mistake.  I wasn't happy at my wedding but I was terrified at the reasons that I wasn't happy.  I could never put my finger on what it was though.  Shortly after we were married I went back to university and we only saw each other on the weekends, a clear subconscious sign that I was trying to stay away.

I never particularly enjoyed sex with men either. I remember having sex one time a couple years ago with my now ex-husband and thinking, "I really wish I had a woman here right now instead."  It just popped into my head all by itself.  I was shocked and confused and didn't know what to do so I turned to the internet and this is how I found EP almost two years ago.  I crawled the web and started to read up on how I was feeling.  Looking back on my life, what I have shared and what I have not, it makes a lot of sense that I'm quite gay.

So as I slowly began to come with terms with my new found sexuality, I moved to the city and began the process of online dating with the specific intention of meeting women.  I figured that it was never going to happen if I never tried.  To my surprise it actually worked and I did meet someone who, much like myself, is wanting to explore her sexuality as well, although we are both fully aware that we're a little more than just exploring. 

This childhood friend of mine, we hadn't spoken in a few years and reconnected about a week ago via FB.  She sent me a picture of an old memory and I broke down and told her everything.  I needed help to make sense of what was going on, I needed guidance, advice, and just someone I could talk to.  I could never be there for her because I didn't know how but I can never thank her enough for being there for me now.  It sucks because she lives in another province but it was nice to finally talk to her again.  And you know what she told me?  She said that since grade 12 when I did not capitalize on a teenage sex excursion with my then boyfriend she knew I was gay.  She also told me that a friend of hers who had met me once three years ago recently asked if I was out of the closet.  This year I started noticing when women would flirt with me so I started flirting back.  I really was the last one to figure it out. 
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Dec 8, 2012