Confused And Torn

I have never posted on here but honestly just need to get opinions on a situation and I apologize in advance for my kinda sloppy writing style.... I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 3 1/2 years and we lived together for about 2 1/2 of those years. I lived out of state and we started off having a long distance relationship and then after about a year she moved to live with me. We got a long really well at first and only really had the standard issues that most couples have. In the last year she has had a hard time with losing a job and kind of started becoming depressed and sort of distant. I tried very hard to be there for her and supported her financially for 6 months but then one day out of the blue she told me at the end of our lease she was moving back to her home town to live with her parents. It kind of turned my world upside down because she never even talked to me about it and just made the decision without me. It hurt...I mean I get a person needs to do what is best for them but this was someone I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with and I was not even part of this huge decision. I felt like I didn't matter. She said she wanted to stay together and that she just didn't want me to have to pay for everything and that if she lived with her parents she could go back to school without worrying about bills and such. I respect the fact that she didn't want to live off of me but still nothing was even discussed with me. So I started looking for jobs back in my home town which was in the same state as where she was moving back to and luckily I found one. I moved back at the same time and currently live by myself and she lives about an hour away with her parents. We have both been back here for 2 months and we were supposed to see each other all of the time but after 2 months I have not seen her at all and we barely talk through texts/phone and it is not for my lack of trying. She tells me she loves me and that she wants to be with me but she also says she is not a very good girlfriend and that she doesn't feel like she gives me the attention I about mixed signals and feelings for me.

I really just don't know what to do. She is my best friend and I love her but she is right in the fact that she is not a very good girlfriend right now. I am not sure if it is just her depression and all the stuff she has been through in the last year or if that is just how our relationship is going to be from now on. I mean do I wait it out and will it get better or do I say goodbye? See I tend to be the person who puts others before myself and also I have a hard time meeting people so I am not sure if maybe I am holding on for the fear of losing my friend and the fear of not finding someone else or if I am holding on because I really truly want to be with her. Either way the question still remains if she really wants to be with me as well?

So yeah I am confused and torn....
LK99 LK99
8 Responses Dec 11, 2012

It's a hard place to be in when your girlfriend is depressed, distant and saying things to hint to leave her. Some women may be doing that to test you to see if you're gonna stick around through the bad times or will you leave them in their time of need. I'm going through that and it's hard to leave a clearly obvious dysfunctional relationship because it will be on your shoulders and you'll be guilty about it. But if she wanna act how she's acting I say leave her alone for now and wait till she comes to you and when she does sit her down and both of you should really have a heart to heart and both of you have to put everything down on the table, talk about what you both won't deal with and what you both will not tolerate. Or if you have gotten deep into that point of not wanting this relationship, tell her that and tell her the reasons and close that door and offer friendship until you two can get to a point where you both are communicating and being there for each other and comfortable reaching out to each other when either of you aredown in the dumps. Don't feel guilty for not being there for her cause she's not allowing you to. At this point no one's looking out for you so you have to do it, be selfish and think about your well being.

That's how it is between me and my girl. She'll want me to talk to her and express myself to her while I shut down and shut off. But reason I don't is cause it turns into a debate or argument so it never feels like I'm being heard. It kinda feels like "I'm right, you're wrong" situation. I just feel so intimidated by her and I never used to get easily intimidated. The only person that ever intimidated me was my dad. So, I don't know what to say about that. I would just say for right now wait till she comes to you, you may get frustrated and wonder why you're sitting around wasting your time waiting and chasing, but I think what the girl needs is comfort, knowing that someone is listening. Or maybe she just is that selfish and don't care about her actions affecting you, I don't know. For now only time will tell.

I think no matter how much you care about her you should take some time for your self. I would call this a break for now. Be single. Do you for now. I'm sure she really cares about you. But if you guys want to get back together then you will. For now I wouldn't worry about it. It sounds like she is trying to figure some things out. If I were you I wouldn't sit around and wait to see what happens. I know it seems easier said than done but that's the best advice I can give you.

you know I think this story relates to many people. taken for granted and stuff. the other person making herself as an excuse sayin' " its not you, its me" haha. I think she is in a confused situation right now. about what she's feeling for you. it doesn't look like she loves you so much to choose living back with her parents when back then she wanted to be with you. and chose to stay with you. there must've been something that was lost between the 2 of you and no one know what it is and when it vanished. better settle know and focus with your life and yourself. let her figure out what she needs to know. the more you put focus on these things now when both of you don't know a thing about what's happening, the more things can be lost. just maybe live your life w/o worrying about your relationship, focus on your work and how to better your life and living. probably when she realize the things she had a hard time finding she can come back to you, just tell her you're leaving your arms and your heart open, :) <3

Wow the way your relationship started is similar to my relationship with my girlfriend, the only difference is my relationship as soon as I moved from ny to Michigan it was a disaster, it has gotten a lil better but there's still issues that I think is due cause we don't know anything about each other. The thing is I feel both your pain. I feel like maybe she's afraid to tell you how she really feel maybe out of fear of how you would react. I'm intimidated by my girlfriend so I don't typically open up to her. I keep a wall up. I'm not familiar with y'all's dynamic so it can be a number of reasons as to why she will just leave. Do you make it easy for her to talk to you? Do you get defensive? Yell at her? Intimidate her? Put her down for how she feels? ... Also depression can make it hard for a person to communicate, she may be pushing you away and she may be moving on impulse and she may know that she's wrong but she may feel that after how deep she's in she may be afraid to talk to you cause of how you will respond to her. I'm just putting a few things out there to work your brain cells a lil and go "oh ok, maybe that's it" you know? Hopefully I helped.

I just moved back to Michigan too! I am the person who always tried to get her to talk or tell me the issues and she is the type of person who holds everything in. It is just hard to know if she really wants to be with me or not because what she says is confusing.

Aww I'm sorry about the way she's treating you :( I'm a lesbian but in the closet and I recently met a wonderful girl but she doesn't know how I truly feel because i'm so scared people will find out.. I respect you for having the courage to be with another woman. It takes a lot of bravery! Maybe she is just confused about how happy she is making you and feels like you deserve better, even if she is great.. Sometimes people can't see that. If you'd like to talk you can message me. I'm a good listener! Best of luck :)

Maybe she is pushing you away....meaning, she isn't sure how to end things so she is pushing you away so you'll be the one to end it. And maybe it's her low self confidence that is what is making her feel like this is what she should do. I'm just speculating, but that is what it looks like to me....none of this is fair to you though. She needs to be more honest with you.

Yeah it definitely is not fair. It is just hard hwen you do not know which way is the truth. :( Thank you though

You're welcome! If you ever need to talk send me a message. I'll listen. :) good luck to you :)

I agree with that to a point but then why is it that she barely ever calls me or texts me and when I try to make plans to see her she just changes the subject. She at one point recently said she was not good at showing emotions and that she thinks I deserve better and acts like she is pushing me away....but then said says she wants to be with is just weird.