No Idea What To Do ... ?

I am a lesbian in my 40's and am totally unable to find a gf, let alone one I can trust ! Let me explain ...

My last gf was the most wonderful, kind, loving woman I've ever met. My soulmate. She was quite a bit younger than me but we had some great times. I moved from my home town to be with her. Not long after, I became very ill and also received the news my dad was dying. Due to this, I may not have been the best gf but I knew things would slowly get better.

Then my dad died just before Christmas and a few days later, my gf dumped me. To say I was devastated would be an understatement. I found out there was more to it than me not being myself. Her family, cultural differences and emotional blackmail etc all played a part. She got someone new within days ! Many nasty texts and emails also got sent. Not from me, I hasten to add.

This is as much as I can say here. It is now 3 yrs later and I have never got over it. My mind can't work out how someone can change so much. How could I have been so wrong about someone ? I still have nightmares and am becoming increasingly isolated. The isolation bit is largely due to my health. How do I move on and find someone new ? If so, how can I trust them ?
Engel234 Engel234
41-45, F
3 Responses Dec 15, 2012

You have to learn to let the past be the past && realize that not everyone is the same .. she wasnt the one .. so qet over her & find the one you were meant to be with , Good Luck dear ♥

I am hurting since losing my girlfriend 4 months ago. I am somewhat depressed making it harder to get out and find someone new. I feel isolated at times also.

I hope things look up for you soon :)

I'm not sure where you are, but getting some counseling might be your best first step so you can get over the break-up. Lesbian or straight, there are divorce-type groups that help with this. I went to one where some poor guy was still not over his ex, who dumped him 10 years ago. There are exercises and behavior modification techniques to help with this. Next, find the closest LGBT center. They will have activities like board-game meetings and bingo and dances and lectures. Try; there are meetups of all kinds. This is NOT a dating site. It is for finding like-minded people. Get some friends first before worrying about dating. has Lesbian discussion groups, surfing groups, real estate groups, hiking groups, movie watching groups, bottle-cap collecting groups (probably!) They also have groups that have nothing to do with sexual orientation. Get out in circulation. Learn to be social. There are other people who will understand. But I'd first focus on what you like to do. You will be more likely to meet someone romantically if you are a balanced person pursuing your own hobbies and interests.

Thanks for a wonderful and helpful reply. I live in the UK and have tried counselling, maybe I wasn't ready then. Also, I couldn't relate to the counsellor at all. I will try again :) Not long after the break up, I went out alot and made a fool of myself trying to find someone new. Not a good idea in a small scene where most knew my ex !

I am going to try and get out more in order to make friends. Not sure how I'm going to do this because my health/mobility isn't so good now. I do have some hobbies, am sure there must be more for me to do out there.

Having the right counselor can make all the difference. You might want to find one who specializes in behavior modification. I'm not sure of the technical lingo for the technique, but the idea is that you use activities to "reprogram" your mindset rather than extended, probing self-examination to understand your motivations. Don't get me wrong, knowing thyself is important but also expensive. In addition, outcome studies have shown that people with neurotic behaviors (not saying you) showed no appreciable gains in coping with day-to-day situations after years of conventional psychotherapy. In comparison, people who went to shorter-term modification therapy were able to overcome phobias and obsessions at least to the point of functioning more normally. Some of the techniques seem almost silly, but they seem to be effective. For example, one for people obsession over a lost love is to where a loose rubber band on your wrist. Every time you catch yourself pining over them or the injustice or whatever, you give yourself a big old snap of the rubber band. It's rudimentary conditioning, but it has reported great improvement in peace of mind and getting on with your life. Just an example. Sorry to go on so long. Best wishes with your health and mobility. I hope things get better or that you find healthy coping mechanisms to make the best of positive things you have..

Thanks for another great reply. Don't worry about it being long, it made for interesting reading. I think behaviour modification and/or a proactive approach is for me.

I just have to get to the New Year all in one piece now. Tomorrow is the 3rd anniversary of my dad's death. It wasn't long after that my ex left me. I think that's why all the feelings are so intense.

Thanks for your best wishes :) I have already made some appointments for January. Will see where that takes me !

I am sorry for your loss. I understand that such anniversaries are even more difficult around the holiday season, regardless of your belief system. You sound very proactive. Here's hoping for a better next year! (P.S. sorry for the awful word misuse above (where >> wear, etc.) I'm appalled! I think I was tired.)

Thanks for your responses. Don't worry about word misuse, my brain does very odd things when tired !

Hope you have a good holiday season :) I will be on my own with some good food and DVD's.

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