Wanting To Exhale

First of all, I want to greet all EP folks, esp my friends a happy new year. Many thanks too to those who keep on sending gifts and messages. I apologize for not replying. I just couldnt find the time. Anyway, thank you.

Here's what I want to say...

I am generally a person with positive vibes. I usually see the silver lining in every dark cloud. But it seems my positive energy is running out. I have begun to doubt myself. I have begun to lose hope. I am in a state of nonchalance meets paranoia. I feel that I have lost the battle.

However, all of these do not register on my face when you see me. I manage to hide it, but when I come home, reality sets in and tears fall. I remember writing something about being too tired of chasing my dreams and still not getting it. I question myself, my abilities. What is wrong with me?

As I write this, tears are about to fall. I wish each drop erases the anxiety I have had for the longest time. I dont know if I am just making excuses for things I am not, or have just. become a pessimist. Honestly, I dont know. I dont know which piece of my life to pick up. Maybe, I have given up.

I am beginning to think that certain people like me are meant to live life like this, mediocre. Afterall, life is practically unfair. I envy the woman who lives a satisfying life. I have to admit, I have seldom prayed, the kind where. you sit in a corner of the room and pour your heart out to God. Does God hate me now?

In less than a month, I will celebrate another birthday. And judging from what I have been writing, I dont sound mature. But maybe that is one reality in this earth, that while our bodies mature, we are in fact, babies in this world. Always hungry, never satisfied, whines and cries all day.

I hope I dont sound weird or anything. I just hope you understand what I mean.

msjones2 msjones2
41-45, F
Jan 16, 2013