Should Have Known

I should have known. I married a girl in kindergarten and had a major crush on my first grade teacher. But when I finally came out to myself, I was 21 and it scared the hell out of me.

Funny thing is, when I gradually came out to other people in my life, almost everyone said "I knew that" (one said "Really? I always wanted to do it with another woman" and my best friend said "Are you in love with me now?"). So why did no one tell me? Because I really had no clue.

It was a movie for me. One that showed a woman telling another woman the things she loved about her. Very poetic and beautiful and I sat there with my mouth open and just one thought in my head: That's possible between women? I have no excuse for being so naive and unknowing until then. Maybe I grew up too sheltered. Maybe it's a catholic mother and a father who is incapable of showing emotions.

I'm married for real now. I openly introduce my wife as my wife and to my total amazement, nobody makes a fuss about it. Not the landlord when I checked out this apartment, not the people at hospital when my wife broke her ankle. Not a flinch when we walked into the registry office in this tiny country town where we live and said that we want to get married.

When I was 21, I could not have foreseen where I would be today. When I was 21, I was confused and overwhelmed. I had crushes on every half-decent looking woman who I laid my eyes on. Oh, that first year was ... weird. But I knew - finally - what was up with me. I knew - finally - why it had just never felt right with boys.

I remember the name of the girl I married in kindergarten. Alexandra. I put a handful of sand on her head and announced we were married now. Saying "I love you" and really meaning it years later was much harder. Saying "I will" just a few months ago was easy. I've arrived home I guess.

Being a few years older sure helps. Different things matter. I no longer think in lesbian categories because I know we come in all shapes and sizes and the one thing that unites us is that we all love the ladies.

I'm sitting here tonight reminiscing and blabbing because my wife and I had a couple of rough days with a major dispute about something that really wasn't that important.

I need to go and apologize for being an idiot and blowing it out of proportion and tell her I love her.