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Window Dressing: I Thought I Was Butch!

OK, I am sharing this story because a few of my friends have shown interest so here goes:

I knew I liked girls from a very early age. At 5 I swear I had it bad for my best friend in Houston but my heart was broken when we moved back to Georgia.

When I turned 11, I met Angie who would end up being my best friend and girlfriend until I was 20. She was rather tomboyish at the time and I really liked that but then she went through this "femme phase" for a few years and I felt like I HAD to assume a role as a butch girl.

Ang grew out her nails(EEK...BAD flashbacks..Don't ask!) and began to wear miniskirts and did the whole girly thing while I got rid of my own feminine things and started to dress in baggy jeans and high-tops.

Kids today don't realize how difficult it was just a generation ago as I am sure we didn't before us...My visible gay role models were only butch and I assumed that I HAD to choose..Since my girlfriend was "going femme," I had no choice..I also assumed that butch equated with "top" and was unpleasantly surprised once I started sowing my wild oats in my early 20's but that's yet ANOTHER subject.

So I decided I would be the butchest thing on 2 legs and I worked at it! I kept my hair cut short and spiked and started working out more. I wore flannel and hiking boots. I wore sports bras  to keep my chest flattened. I avoided anything that would make me look too feminine.

When Ang and I broke up at 20, she decided her femme phase was over and I (happily) started looking less and less butch. I guess we'd call it "tomboy" chic these days.

My 21st birthday came and my boss and his partner took me out to my first gay bar. I butched it up again..I was vegan, so I donned fake leather Doc Martins and a fake leather jacket,white t-shirt, and spiked hair. I ordered a Jack Daniels & Coke simply because I thought it was a "butch" drink. I stood there and felt pretty cool after the 2nd drink.

I spotted Deborah and went up to her in my buzzed state and said,"You look like you could use a drink." She looked me up and down and laughed. That turned into a 3 year learning experience which included me discovering I was NOT butch and I didn't have to be anything I wasn't. (Cue the amens from the back of the room!)

Since then, I have never had a problem reconciling my femininity and my sexual orientation. I am a proud femme who can go from a cocktail dress and stilettos to a ball cap and jeans...I can do whatever I want and the rest is just window dressing.

choctawgrrrl choctawgrrrl 41-45, F 83 Responses Jan 8, 2009

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There is absolutly no need for you or your g/f to be butch. Sally and I are both 'femme' and always have been. We just dress however we want at the time. It is amazing how many times we dress similarly without dtalking about it with each other before hand.

Be yourself, don't do anything because youm think it is expected.

Love Sandra

Brilliant story. I always wondered why it was assumed that in a stereotypical lesbian relationship one girl would be butch and one would be feminine. Love doesn't need labels or role playing (unless it's for fun!) There will always be people who have a preferred "type" but that is rarely a deal breaker except for the very narrow minded. Have fun and be yourself!!

Thanks for sharing your story.

Love this post! I feel like we (lesbians) are too wrapped up in these abstract labels. The only thing you need to know is that I like chicks. i've had several friends tell me that they thought I was a certain thing, but my personality is totally different. I always tell them, I'm just me.

Loved this! Rock on girl!


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btw if i was in a bar and u came over to me even as a "butch" n said i needed a drink id of been like hell yeaahh haha :)

Trust me..that seemed to be the general

i found that really funny but totaly understand it as some one who only likes the "femminie" type i thought i must be the butch one but since being with girls iv learnt am both i like male tops and hoodys but prefare girl jeans a girl converse pump types lol but thanks for sharin your story its true people feel like you need a male and female in the relationship but u dont :)

~~Choctawgrrrl...<br />
Thanks for sharing. Too often folks forget that being who you are is a journey, and until you are no longer among the breathing you are still traveling. I applaud you for taking the time to provide a springboard for discussion. It is a sad fact that there are still cultures where being yourself is denied.

Thank you Cajun! Indeed so much puritanical bs keeps some afraid...I feel that we must experience authenticity to grow...even when we stumble a lot like me! :)

You would have given me butterflies even as a butch stud!

LOL smoooth texa haha!

I couldn't have said it better!!! That's so me... . I've been struggling with that for a while it's like... ok... I'm Femme but not to femme. I'm strong and assertive at least at work. I love hills and sneakers... lipstick and boxing. I cant believe how u just hit it all on the head for me..Add me when u get a chance....take care.

thats a really good story and its real as well so that even makes it better

Thank you!

Is this actually allowed? No one gives you **** for it? Sorry if this sounds ignorant, I'm young and stupid and would love to try and do the same.

Hi there Quackle..I don't think we have to stay within "allowed" boundaries. Sure I've gotten **** but there will always be small minds attached to big mouths! Carpe diem!

I was with a girl and<br />
Iam more of the femme type<br />
and she is more of a soft butch or tomgirl.<br />
now this is purley apperence , personality wise IM more of the butch role<br />
and she is verrrry femme personality wise.<br />
I found it odd, sometimes i felt the need to literally " butch up" in apperence just to meet this role fully (plus all her exes where butch, which was odd to me that she wanted me ,as a femme) somtimes i felt as tho , I would have to be somone else just to make her happy.

this is sorry to say but ridiculous you don't have to assume any stupid role its lesbian aka homosexual as in into same sex as in no stupid male wannabe's preferrably for a real lesbian with no feeling below the belt for masculinity. you can do all the things guys do if you want but ffs don't dress or look like one or its like saying i don't like being female or I feel i have to be something other than female to keep a lesbian mate wtf more like bi if she ever insisted you dressed masculine like.

Lovely story and lovely comments!<br />
Let's jus be ourselves without any labels. Because isn't identifying with butc or femme yet another try to fit into norm...? Who said that a couple should have butch and femme roles, why not two femmes or two butches.... Let's leave the norms for the "normal". We are here to "shake the world" :). <br />
Love to you all xx

Loved your story. I used to be just like that trying too hard to be something I am not. My butch phase ended when the girl I was dating broke up with me saying " I was not butch enough". She wanted the manly man and I was so not that.

you are soo cool!

Always remember you should'nt forget about your happiness it it's doesn't care who are you lesbian,gay what ever .Love is best option to avoid a lonely and uninteresting life .It is a fun and enjoyable activity. Still cant find someone just 'Link me up'

You go et em girl. :)

long as youre happy with your decisions then dats all dat matters...

howd you know you were gay? ive always been pretty "dykish" i guess you could say...just because i have a very vulgar mouth and i like to act like a freak in front of boys. not like freak, like **** or anything, freak like INSANE, like seriously chaotic. and ive had a LOT of girls hit on me and attempt at seducing me and it really just ****** me off. like i feel like they want something with me. hah, maybe im asexual. who knows. help?

i knew i like women from an early age too! but its a lot easier for me! a straight male?

Forbidden, glad you liked it and congrats on coming out! <br />
Wopper..Thanks :)


choctawgrrrl thank you for the add and support your choices of how to live your life,have several friends who are lesbians and love them ,

DLander..I applaud your courage to be yourself..isn't that a wonderful gift we can give ourselves? <br />
<br />
Pariah, Thank you :)

great experience to share! its awesome to see that you were able to come to terms with yourself and just be you.