Experience Project iOS Android Apps | Download EP for your Mobile Device

Window Dressing: I Thought I Was Butch!

OK, I am sharing this story because a few of my friends have shown interest so here goes:

I knew I liked girls from a very early age. At 5 I swear I had it bad for my best friend in Houston but my heart was broken when we moved back to Georgia.

When I turned 11, I met Angie who would end up being my best friend and girlfriend until I was 20. She was rather tomboyish at the time and I really liked that but then she went through this "femme phase" for a few years and I felt like I HAD to assume a role as a butch girl.

Ang grew out her nails(EEK...BAD flashbacks..Don't ask!) and began to wear miniskirts and did the whole girly thing while I got rid of my own feminine things and started to dress in baggy jeans and high-tops.

Kids today don't realize how difficult it was just a generation ago as I am sure we didn't before us...My visible gay role models were only butch and I assumed that I HAD to choose..Since my girlfriend was "going femme," I had no choice..I also assumed that butch equated with "top" and was unpleasantly surprised once I started sowing my wild oats in my early 20's but that's yet ANOTHER subject.

So I decided I would be the butchest thing on 2 legs and I worked at it! I kept my hair cut short and spiked and started working out more. I wore flannel and hiking boots. I wore sports bras  to keep my chest flattened. I avoided anything that would make me look too feminine.

When Ang and I broke up at 20, she decided her femme phase was over and I (happily) started looking less and less butch. I guess we'd call it "tomboy" chic these days.

My 21st birthday came and my boss and his partner took me out to my first gay bar. I butched it up again..I was vegan, so I donned fake leather Doc Martins and a fake leather jacket,white t-shirt, and spiked hair. I ordered a Jack Daniels & Coke simply because I thought it was a "butch" drink. I stood there and felt pretty cool after the 2nd drink.

I spotted Deborah and went up to her in my buzzed state and said,"You look like you could use a drink." She looked me up and down and laughed. That turned into a 3 year learning experience which included me discovering I was NOT butch and I didn't have to be anything I wasn't. (Cue the amens from the back of the room!)

Since then, I have never had a problem reconciling my femininity and my sexual orientation. I am a proud femme who can go from a cocktail dress and stilettos to a ball cap and jeans...I can do whatever I want and the rest is just window dressing.

choctawgrrrl choctawgrrrl 41-45, F 82 Responses Jan 8, 2009

Your Response


Lol nice! I've done similar over the years. Starting off really femme lol. But now work has me living in jeans! I am not sure I could go back to skirts and dresses, I'm afraid I might feel like I'm in drag lol

Check out my Lebian Ladies stories on my page! Like and heart for more(:

There is absolutly no need for you or your g/f to be butch. Sally and I are both 'femme' and always have been. We just dress however we want at the time. It is amazing how many times we dress similarly without dtalking about it with each other before hand.

Be yourself, don't do anything because youm think it is expected.

Love Sandra

Brilliant story. I always wondered why it was assumed that in a stereotypical lesbian relationship one girl would be butch and one would be feminine. Love doesn't need labels or role playing (unless it's for fun!) There will always be people who have a preferred "type" but that is rarely a deal breaker except for the very narrow minded. Have fun and be yourself!!

Thanks for sharing your story.

Loved this! Rock on girl!


Don’t know where to find a single lesbian ? you can go ~~~~ Lesmingle ~~~( bing it). it's the world's first, largest and most trusted dating site for Lesbian.enjoy it~~~~

btw if i was in a bar and u came over to me even as a "butch" n said i needed a drink id of been like hell yeaahh haha :)

Trust me..that seemed to be the general

i found that really funny but totaly understand it as some one who only likes the "femminie" type i thought i must be the butch one but since being with girls iv learnt am both i like male tops and hoodys but prefare girl jeans a girl converse pump types lol but thanks for sharin your story its true people feel like you need a male and female in the relationship but u dont :)

~~Choctawgrrrl...<br />
Thanks for sharing. Too often folks forget that being who you are is a journey, and until you are no longer among the breathing you are still traveling. I applaud you for taking the time to provide a springboard for discussion. It is a sad fact that there are still cultures where being yourself is denied.

Thank you Cajun! Indeed so much puritanical bs keeps some afraid...I feel that we must experience authenticity to grow...even when we stumble a lot like me! :)

You would have given me butterflies even as a butch stud!

LOL smoooth texa haha!

I couldn't have said it better!!! That's so me... . I've been struggling with that for a while it's like... ok... I'm Femme but not to femme. I'm strong and assertive at least at work. I love hills and sneakers... lipstick and boxing. I cant believe how u just hit it all on the head for me..Add me when u get a chance....take care.

thats a really good story and its real as well so that even makes it better

Thank you!

Is this actually allowed? No one gives you **** for it? Sorry if this sounds ignorant, I'm young and stupid and would love to try and do the same.

Hi there Quackle..I don't think we have to stay within "allowed" boundaries. Sure I've gotten **** but there will always be small minds attached to big mouths! Carpe diem!

I was with a girl and<br />
Iam more of the femme type<br />
and she is more of a soft butch or tomgirl.<br />
now this is purley apperence , personality wise IM more of the butch role<br />
and she is verrrry femme personality wise.<br />
I found it odd, sometimes i felt the need to literally " butch up" in apperence just to meet this role fully (plus all her exes where butch, which was odd to me that she wanted me ,as a femme) somtimes i felt as tho , I would have to be somone else just to make her happy.

this is sorry to say but ridiculous you don't have to assume any stupid role its lesbian aka homosexual as in into same sex as in no stupid male wannabe's preferrably for a real lesbian with no feeling below the belt for masculinity. you can do all the things guys do if you want but ffs don't dress or look like one or its like saying i don't like being female or I feel i have to be something other than female to keep a lesbian mate wtf more like bi if she ever insisted you dressed masculine like.

Lovely story and lovely comments!<br />
Let's jus be ourselves without any labels. Because isn't identifying with butc or femme yet another try to fit into norm...? Who said that a couple should have butch and femme roles, why not two femmes or two butches.... Let's leave the norms for the "normal". We are here to "shake the world" :). <br />
Love to you all xx

Loved your story. I used to be just like that trying too hard to be something I am not. My butch phase ended when the girl I was dating broke up with me saying " I was not butch enough". She wanted the manly man and I was so not that.

you are soo cool!

Always remember you should'nt forget about your happiness it it's doesn't care who are you lesbian,gay what ever .Love is best option to avoid a lonely and uninteresting life .It is a fun and enjoyable activity. Still cant find someone just 'Link me up'

You go et em girl. :)

long as youre happy with your decisions then dats all dat matters...

howd you know you were gay? ive always been pretty "dykish" i guess you could say...just because i have a very vulgar mouth and i like to act like a freak in front of boys. not like freak, like **** or anything, freak like INSANE, like seriously chaotic. and ive had a LOT of girls hit on me and attempt at seducing me and it really just ****** me off. like i feel like they want something with me. hah, maybe im asexual. who knows. help?

i knew i like women from an early age too! but its a lot easier for me! a straight male?

Forbidden, glad you liked it and congrats on coming out! <br />
Wopper..Thanks :)


choctawgrrrl thank you for the add and support your choices of how to live your life,have several friends who are lesbians and love them ,

DLander..I applaud your courage to be yourself..isn't that a wonderful gift we can give ourselves? <br />
<br />
Pariah, Thank you :)

great experience to share! its awesome to see that you were able to come to terms with yourself and just be you.

wonderfu story... I to am in my 40s and was fortunate to never have to do the whole label try to fit in to a fem butch or whatever... i was just me a lesbian trying to graps that with all other life issues.... I knew i was gay when i was 7 came out to my one friend when i was 13 and my uncle who is Rev. at 16 plus my cuz his daughter. then some more friends in my 20s and my folks when i was 33... but thru all that i never really put myself into any box and had a hard time doing it when asked "what i was" it always came up as "soft butch" which i am cuz i guess its in the middle of everything which i am for im everything depending on my mood.... but then again i see others the same way... thanks for sharing

wonderfu story... I to am in my 40s and was fortunate to never have to do the whole label try to fit in to a fem butch or whatever... i was just me a lesbian trying to graps that with all other life issues.... I knew i was gay when i was 7 came out to my one friend when i was 13 and my uncle who is Rev. at 16 plus my cuz his daughter. then some more friends in my 20s and my folks when i was 33... but thru all that i never really put myself into any box and had a hard time doing it when asked "what i was" it always came up as "soft butch" which i am cuz i guess its in the middle of everything which i am for im everything depending on my mood.... but then again i see others the same way... thanks for sharing

wonderfu story... I to am in my 40s and was fortunate to never have to do the whole label try to fit in to a fem butch or whatever... i was just me a lesbian trying to graps that with all other life issues.... I knew i was gay when i was 7 came out to my one friend when i was 13 and my uncle who is Rev. at 16 plus my cuz his daughter. then some more friends in my 20s and my folks when i was 33... but thru all that i never really put myself into any box and had a hard time doing it when asked "what i was" it always came up as "soft butch" which i am cuz i guess its in the middle of everything which i am for im everything depending on my mood.... but then again i see others the same way... thanks for sharing

Absolutely!! You can define your life as you see fit. :)

well said, Samantha! i think it's wonderful that you've discovered this in yourself. thanks, your story helped me realise i can be a femme who dresses the way she wants to as well. stereotypes don't fit every body.

I agree. I just came out about 5 years ago. My life experiences? I never comformed, I do not believe in exact definitions, one size fit all, etc. people are too diverse, we come from so many differnet levels. When I was growing up , lesbians were butch, that was it. But I am a femme and love femme women. I use to go to clubs, organizations, etc. Everyone telling me I was not butch, therefore, not really gay.Whatever. I do not listen to anyone definitions of me. But I do listen to my own voice. Sometimes going through life, we forget to listen to our inner voice.

Jorzette, while I am most flattered, I must decline. This is a group for lesbians, which means; women who love other women. I am certain you may find what you seek in a more appropriate experience group. Good luck! :)

What u think of men who love women, but like also dress in lingerie? Do u think, u can make such a relation? Such a man can be a good partner, and cherish your desires, no? He will be happy if you are happy !!!!! If u want, contact me. Thanks.

Watermelon098...I will be 40 in less than 2 weeks and have amassed a bit of life experience ( the hell did I get so old?!?) Anyway...My best advide is to be true to who you are..Don't worry about what your friends think and enjoy being a girl! There are tons of gay women out there that love us "girly-girls" so have fun with it darling! I look forward to reading YOUR stories here too. *hugs 2 u!*<br />
<br />
Forgivin23...Thank you too for your kind words! Nope..Look at me and NOTHING screams "****" in any way! The male-produced (and some female-produced for that matter) are fantasy. I love my heels and my pearls. I don't wear long talon-like nails (Can you say "Edward Scissorhands" in your "lady business??" Not fun!!!)<br />
Like I told Watemelon true to who you are...Try to go beyond your small town's borders if you are looking for women...I met a wonderful woman on here!<br />
<br />
Good luck to you both!!! **smooches**

I live in a small town in New Hampshire and all I ever see anywhere in the state is butch women if gay and to be honest it is such a turn off. I am bi-sexual but have not had any romantic relations with any women in like 3 years because I am not interested in women like this. I like the fem women who is down to earth. Just a normal everyday girl. So thanks for sharing your story. It's nice to know true women like you exist and it just not in fem ****.

I love this story! I'm in my last year of high school and one of the few lesbians at my school. It's kind of awkward since the other 3 or 4 of them are EXTREMELY butch and I'm EXTREMELY feminine with my skirts and dresses, long curly hair, little makeup, cute bag, classical guitar, I could go on and on :] My friends (all of whom are straight) were and still are wondering why I'm not like them, but I never know how to answer. I'm just...not masculine and could very easily pass off as a straight girl according to stereotypes. Your experience just reminded me of myself for a little bit :D me some Rob! **hugs**

People should always be who they want to be, screw societies pressures. For a long time I didn't want to dress feminine because I hated the way the guys would treat the other girls at school that did. Like they were pieces of *** and nothing more, so I started to dress more sporty and put on a facade that seemed to keep them away but I wasn't happy. There is definitely something to be said about being the way you want to be.

Thank you LLuvcat! :)

I love this story!

Karen,<br />
I am so honored that you liked the story. <br />
Coming out is a wonderful gift you give to yourself and I encourage all to do so when they are ready. <br />
If you want a friend to talk to, I am here<br />
Many blessings honey! :)

oh my god what a lovely experience!! like so many comments have said,i also have the biggest smile right now,your so strong to not worry about what other people think,im 43&still havnt come out yet but with stories like yours im finding so much encouragement thank you xx

Thanks dorobo..I agree that we can do more in this country in terms of acceptance..but slowly we'll get there! :)

Thank you babylezza and welcome to my circle sweetie!:)

i really like ya story

i really like ya story

Right you are, Betty!!!<br />
It's a whole big ol' mess really..<br />
Even within the lesbian community, it is debated if the butch-femme dynamic is a "poor imitation" of heterosexual relationships and some I know even doubt the mere existence of B-f!!<br />
<br />
I don't think one of us has to be the "wife" and the other the "husband." (unless that's your kink for the evening..Oh never mind!)<br />
<br />
I liken it to yin/yang..It's a balance for me to find a woman as butch as I am femme..We compliment one another.<br />
<br />
Ps...Looove our "Straight but not narrow sisters!!"<br />
hugs sweetie!!:)

Flour...thank you hon!:)<br />
<br />
Jeng, I am so glad you liked it and even more so that you have found comfort in your own skin. Glad you joined the circle!!:)

way to go girl you wrote a great story!!

Satire,<br />
I applaud you hon! Acceptance is the backbone of unconditional love!<br />

I have met so many lesbians due to the fact that my ex wife came out!..Life is too short to complain so I accepted her sexuality!...We are still best Friends

haha, I've been inspired before, but never inspirational. I'm glad I can count on you to buy my future greeting cards. ;)

I will buy them too ;)! Love comment - just be YOU :).

ohnude, I currently don't have a partner but you never know what the future may bring..I am thankful for your understanding and it sounds like oodles of fun!!!<br />
<br />
Serena, That was a wonderful! You should write inspirational greeting cards..I would definitely buy them! :)<br />
<br />
CoffeeMate..You are funny!! I almost spat my smoothie across the keyboard!! <br />
At my first acceptance speech,I will thank all the "Little People" on EP...*batting lashes* tooooo funny!!:)

aww, this was a really good story. I'm glad you realized you don't have to be butch because you think its whats expected of you. You should just always, always be yourself and never let anyone put it into any kind of stereotype, otherwise you'll fall into that stereotype. Dress how you like, act how you like and date how you like, so long as its what YOU like, not how its expected.

He has. He has found a wonderful man, and his parents have ended up embracing him and becoming closer as a result of his honesty with himself and others. <br />
<br />
Maybe we can get you and your partner to join for our next nudist outing. Nudists are very open and non-judging.

intrepid..Right you are sweetie!<br />
<br />
nude..It seems harder for some more than others..I hope your buddy has found happiness and love. At the end of the day, that's all that matters. (feeling the overwhelming urge to slap myself before I sing "Koombayah")lol

Good for you for being able to understand your preferances. A good friend of mine was married for fifteen years until he admitted to himself he was gay. None of us were surprised when he came out, but he sure was.

Sara,<br />
Weeeellll..I am hoping for at least an "R" rating honey! *wink*

I can't wait.... "Bella's Butch Journey" ... coming to a theater near you....<br />
<br />
(I hope it's NC-17!!!)

I LOVED this story! kudos to you for finding yourself, sis, and sharing this with the rest of us! Your confidence and radiance is an inspiration for all women, regardless of their sexual orientation!<br />

flour and americanwoman,<br />
thanks ladies:)

nice job girl- i enjoyed it!

Josie..You are the epitome of beauty honey and I am blessed to call you my friend:)<br />
<br />
Warrior...You can join me on the movie set..We'll keep 'em straight-er-gay!! *wink*<br />
<br />
Confusedone..Nothing wrong with having a soft side. A butch woman who can temper her strong butch energy with a gentle demeanor is very sexy. <br />
Some women that I know and a couple I dated, seemed to have a major chip on their shoulders...I can't stand that arrogance!<br />
I am glad you have a soft side of you and aren't afraid to admit it.:)

actually going back from butch to femme is even more rare. you go girl.

yes, going from femme to butch is rare indeed, I guess i could be considered a butch with a soft side. kind of in between a little, but more on the side of a butch.

Beautiful Thanks for sharing yourself.<br />
<br />
i don't care what anyone else says ... i like you. <br />
<br />

I would be 1st in line to watch "Bella's Butch Journey". Your right, butch to femme has to be rare. You Go Girl!

Samantha, Beautifully spoken, well reasoned and wonderful to hear!!! When???

Samatha,<br />
Beautifully spoken my friend:)

Isn't amazing, the silly things we do when we are kids.<br />
<br />
Now if only our society would quickly grow up and legalize same gender marriage. We all know it is going to happen someday, so why do certain people seem determined to push that day further off into the future? Sooner or later it's going to happen. Why not just grow up and accept that love is real and should be legitimate?

Now Sara, that's yet ANOTHER

I loved reading this and just like WM had this grin on my face as I did! It really is funny... my partner is a little bit butchy, very "soft butch" is how someone else put it... not baseball cap or spiked hair, but jeans denim jacket, and short hair and a lower voice and stuff, and I find that I am very femme with her. With my last bf, I was a nut-kicking butch of a girl! Funny... now I cook for my girlfriend, let her do all the driving, (OK, less let her than she insists!), and do most of the shopping, but would never have done these things for a guy!<br />
Your story was really wonderful to read... but you still have to fill in the part about the "unpleasant surprise" when you were sowing those wild oats!

Warrior,<br />
Isn't it interesting how we evolve? I have met MANY butch gals who used to "femme it up" simply because of family or societal pressures but never have I met anyone with my experience(butch-to-femme.) Maybe I can write the Lifetime Network and they'll make a movie of the week about me...."Bella's Butch Journey" starring Nancy McKeon!! (Remember her as Jo on "The Facts of Life?" yummmm!) I want to be on set to keep her *wink*<br />
<br />
While I adore wearing cleavage and kitten heels as accessories, my typical daily attire is more in the middle . I am quite happy throwing on a ball cap(if my naturally wavy hair is being a pain in the ***) and hitting the coffee house or the movies. Of course, you couldn't mistake me for butch with my ever-present silver hoops and purse!:)

I love it....what a great life experience to share. I've got a warm smile on my face. I find it cute too because for me it was the complete opposite. Once I became aware of who I truely am, I went from super femme to somewhere in between. It really depends on who I want to be with that brings out different sides of me. My femme comes out when Im with a butch, my butch comes out if I'm with a femme. I would love to find someone who is also in between.

You know me - just calling it the way I see it! <br />
Hugs right back atcha! : )

Awww Rob..You are always so supportive and sweet!<br />
hugs Darlin!:)

Beautiful story... from one of EPs beautiful people! :-)