Window Dressing: I Thought I Was Butch!
OK, I am sharing this story because a few of my friends have shown interest so here goes:
I knew I liked girls from a very early age. At 5 I swear I had it bad for my best friend in Houston but my heart was broken when we moved back to Georgia.
When I turned 11, I met Angie who would end up being my best friend and girlfriend until I was 20. She was rather tomboyish at the time and I really liked that but then she went through this "femme phase" for a few years and I felt like I HAD to assume a role as a butch girl.
Ang grew out her nails(EEK...BAD flashbacks..Don't ask!) and began to wear miniskirts and did the whole girly thing while I got rid of my own feminine things and started to dress in baggy jeans and high-tops.
Kids today don't realize how difficult it was just a generation ago as I am sure we didn't before us...My visible gay role models were only butch and I assumed that I HAD to choose..Since my girlfriend was "going femme," I had no choice..I also assumed that butch equated with "top" and was unpleasantly surprised once I started sowing my wild oats in my early 20's but that's yet ANOTHER subject.
So I decided I would be the butchest thing on 2 legs and I worked at it! I kept my hair cut short and spiked and started working out more. I wore flannel and hiking boots. I wore sports bras to keep my chest flattened. I avoided anything that would make me look too feminine.
When Ang and I broke up at 20, she decided her femme phase was over and I (happily) started looking less and less butch. I guess we'd call it "tomboy" chic these days.
My 21st birthday came and my boss and his partner took me out to my first gay bar. I butched it up again..I was vegan, so I donned fake leather Doc Martins and a fake leather jacket,white t-shirt, and spiked hair. I ordered a Jack Daniels & Coke simply because I thought it was a "butch" drink. I stood there and felt pretty cool after the 2nd drink.
I spotted Deborah and went up to her in my buzzed state and said,"You look like you could use a drink." She looked me up and down and laughed. That turned into a 3 year learning experience which included me discovering I was NOT butch and I didn't have to be anything I wasn't. (Cue the amens from the back of the room!)
Since then, I have never had a problem reconciling my femininity and my sexual orientation. I am a proud femme who can go from a cocktail dress and stilettos to a ball cap and jeans...I can do whatever I want and the rest is just window dressing.