Coming Out...

so a couple of weeks ago i came out for the first time, to probably the closest friend i have, V.  funny thing is that i've just met him this semester. i would have never expected us to connect to easily and quick, but we did. before we knew it, we were hanging out and studying for tests together all the time. i will never forget the day i came out to him. we were at school, we were both finished with classes that day. the morning was quite sunny, hot, and humid (typical of florida lol), but ironically, by the time i ended my conversation with him (it was quite long) it was quite the opposite: cloudy, then rainy, windy, and cold.

keep in mind that i've been meaning to come out for the longest time, to someone that would trully care. the night before i had hanged out with my other closest friend that i've known since high school, W. i was actually planning on telling him, but then he started updating me on all these other people we've known from high school,  some that have turned out being gay. he's not a homophobe though i'll admit he does make jokes about them. so that basically ruined it for me. W actually had a crush on me since 9th grade, i tried going out with him once (i'm too nice: something i hate about myself), but it didn't work out (obviously lol), luckilly were still pretty tight though. however, this night, as we were talking alone together outside of his apartment, i just got this feeling that he still has feelings for me. i can tell by the way he looks into my eyes and the bearhugs he gives me. coming out to him would just break his heart, i thought. but then at the same time, he's my best-friend (besides V). so i didn't tell him, and i haven't seen him since.

this urge had been eating me up. it was really starting to take a toll on me, i was cranky, emotional, just plain out unpredictable. i couldn't hold it in much longer. so i the next day i told V. i thought telling V would be the best option, since we've become quite close and i've only known him for like a month or two (the first real friendship that has developed the quickest). i figured it would be harder to tell W since we've known eachother for 4 years, i thought he might have reacted negatively (and emotionally), maybe even thinking i had deceived him for not letting him know earlier (a form of lying). so i saw telling V as a new start for me. Anyways, I didnt even know how to begin. But by the time i did, i had already begun crying. he was silent throughout the entire thing (which is not his usual self). i couldn't even look at him while speaking, i was just looking off onto the horizon (we were outside). by the time i finished, i looked back at him and he had this sorrow look on his face, as he was looking deep into my eyes. he was very accepting and supporting. however, he then confessed to me that my telling him made his heart drop because apparently, he was planning on asking me out. which i sort of saw it coming, it also made me feel bad. then he basicly started pouring me down with compliments. he is trully the sweetest guy i've ever met. i then, told him how i only saw him as a bestfriend. he then said he found it hard to believe for a guy and girl being bestfriends without any sort of physical attraction. then he said something about how not all guys are the same, hinting he wasn't. *stupid me! i should have been clearer with him! my direct quote was, "I'm not sure if i like boys." I KNOW I DON'T LIKE GUYS, ONLY GIRLS. but the reason why i had said it that way was because i wasn't sure how he would have reacted if i would have just come out with it directly.* then he asked me if i would give him a chance. i didn't give a direct answer to that, 'cause i was afraid of hurting his feelings more than i had already done. so i just told him that whatever happens, happens... which he was completely ok with. so even though it was a bittersweet moment, i couldn't ask for anyone better to tell my secret to.  

from that point on, i was feeling so relieved. the following days i had this feeling of surrealism, like i just couldn't believe i had finally done it, it sort of felt like a dream. however, it's something i constantly think about, day in through day out, and i sometimes think that either way (i really don't know where my life is going) i'll never be completely happy. my family is pretty homophobic, if i choose to live a life of lies, by never coming out to them and end up marrying some guy, i know i won't be trully happy, just for the sake of my family's happiness. and if i was to come out to them, i have a feeling they would deceive me - but i really long for a relationship with a girl. i really don't know what to think about myself now.


newstart02 newstart02
18-21, F
6 Responses Mar 1, 2009

congratulations! you took a huge step. i really hope things work out for you. thanks for the add.

typo correction "and the desire to feed" should read "and the desire to flee"

Davis,<br />
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Naa things don't run smoother, well at least in my 20 something year experience... people are people and we fight about the same things... money, no cap on the toothpaste, laundry dumped 4" away from the basket, that you used the last tampon and didn't buy more.<br />
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But there is a different level of relating... I mean imagine walked up to your boyfriend and talking in detail about the cramps you are having with your period.... and the resulting look of horror and the desire to feed.<br />
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Same conversation with another female and before you even finish the story... you are on the way to the store for some ice cream, chocolate and the latest tear jerker movie.<br />
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it's different but it's not different.

I wil tell you that is pretty much amazing. Trust me you need to go with your instincts and make yourself happy. I think in time family accepts it and if they dont well its their loss...(this concluded with my current situation as well) I'm married and have four kids but I love girls and I'm only attracted to girls...I tried to be the typical all american girl...straight susie homemaker...not really my thing :D go girl, your doing good :)

I work with alot of woman who like woman and I was just wondering if the relationships run a little bit smoother than us woman who date only men? I think that is great that you are are being honest with yourself. I have a friend who still denies that she is a lesbian to all of us but we kind of know I mean we love her just the same.

well congrats on coming out to your first person! That's a huge step and you are right it feels kind of surreal and your feet aren't quite touching the ground yet.<br />
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Just my .25 on coming out to family etc... cut yourself some slack. No one ever said that you had to come out over sunday dinner after finally figuring out what path you are headed on. Trust me.. "Mom, pass the gravy to your lesbian kid." never quite works out well... especially if it's a good gravy day *W*. <br />
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My advice is to enjoy the positive experience you just had. You will know who to come out to next when it comes up. You don't need to run a full page ad; coming out is a process and savor the positive might need them when the negative reactions come around.<br />
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And again.... Congrats!