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My Younger Sister's Getting Married

so i'm 27 and have been with my girlfriend for almost three years now. we live in california, and had just started dating when the state supreme court over turned the ban on gay marriage. gay and lesbian couples flocked to get married. my girlfriend and i talked about getting married but wanted to want until we were sure we were ready.

well, we all know what happened last year: proposition 8 passed... so now that we do want to get married we can't. now, my younger sister who has only been dating this guy for a year wants to get married... and as much as i am happy for her to find someone who isn't a complete jerk-wad like many of her previous boyfriends... i'm really devastated that she's going to get to have a big celebration where everyone acknowledges her relationship and i can't. i mean, my girlfriend and i could have a big fake-o commitment ceremony, but we want a REAL wedding like everyone else.

i am also not out to all of my extended family, but i am out to all of my sister's friends. my sister has told me that she doesn't want me to have to be closeted at her wedding and that she wants my girlfriend and her family to be invited, which is great... and very sweet of her. but man, that means being our to all of my extended chinese relatives the day of her marriage! can you imagine how fun that will be-- all 20 or so of my aunts and uncles and 40 or so of my cousins! jesus.

not to mention... i have to be her maid of honor. i'm doing this because since i live the closest to her, compared to her friends that have all moved away but are coming to town for the wedding, i can get things done like throwing her a bridal shower and all of that crap. i mean, i don't mind, but i totally do mind and am annoyed.

i want to be celebrating all of these milestones with my girlfriend... i mean, we totally love each other and want to be together forever... why do straight people get to celebrate and express their love in big public gestures but not gays and lesbians? not to mention... my sister's already told me about how she really can't wait to get all of those wedding gifts and money from friends and relatives so they can start their lives together. so i just need to put up with it and act happy, even though deep down inside i am soooooooo jealous and hurt.

it's just not fair.

msriot msriot 26-30, F 54 Responses Sep 30, 2009

Your Response


It isn't fair. There's been a big debate about whether to legalise gay marriage in the UK and so far I think the answer is no. It makes me annoyed too, love is something to be celebrated, regardless of whether it's a man and a woman, a woman and a woman or two men. I don't understand it.

I hope you will be able to marry your girlfriend soon.

It isn't fair

You go girls! Love who you want to love... more and more services come out on Internet focusing on Lesbian.such as Lesmingle。com . it's the world's first, largest and most trusted dating site for Lesbian.

Im in ohio and we have a state cinstitutional ban. I do not have a partner now but i should still have the same choice as "normal" people. My brother got hitch years ago which really killed me. I was in love with a man but could not take that step. I was also not out with anybody. I had to keep everything to myself even though i wanted to shout it from a mountain. In the end he left me because as he put it i did not love him enough to make him my life instead of hiding him from my life. Its been a few years and i still aint over it.

Indeed it's not fair, but if people stand up and prtest, things will change. Hope you and your g/f are able to get married one day!

hehe well did you get married? prob 8 was abolished

Have fun

I feel so sorry I hope things will change

I think people only "let" straight people marry because they think that gays and lesbians are unnatural. Even though I am straight, love is love, and people should support it all.

Weddings are always hard for us single girls. Just the other day I was feeling miserable, and just wishing that I had my soulmate, because I feeling so bad and I know that person would cheer me up. I think love in all it's forms should be celebrated everyday.

Why can't you just get some legal civil ceremony and celebrate that? I mean marriage was designed for the procreation of children which last time I checked gays and I'm talking about ALL same sex couples here cannot do with each other. No I'm not prejudiced just stating facts. Why do gays need the word marriage? Who says you can't celebrate your union?

head north to canada get married wish u love and happiness

Don't worry - you'll get over the envy and disappointment of prop 8 - eventually ...<br />
I am Chinese too - soo , chinese gal is what my gandma wanted for me - who did I marry ? Non- chinese with 3 boys... oops ! big mistake . Married , divorced 8 years later and $150,000.00gone; from my parents and myown hard work ..... plus .. wait for the kicker.. I like to wear womens clothes- yep - Ima CD- and still in the closet- well I try to wear something /anythng daily , bras, nylons , garters ,panties my hgh heels - love 'em.... :P <br />
So take your troubles in stride and be happy with your mate - things will come around / work out for you two . It happens for us all eventually.

you seem very conflicted and angry almost. two things to note: you mention you want a REAL wedding like everyone else. I'm not judging, but you are not "like everyone else", it just that plain and simple. I have plenty of friends who are homosexuals. I don't chide them, we've talked plenty, they understand they are not the "norm" or mainstream and will never be "like everyone else".<br />
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if you and your g/f can restrain yourselves a bit at the wedding, no one will notice you, sorry but its not YOUR day, everyone will be watching your sister.

Hey!!!!!! ‎​D̶̲̥̅̊ε̲̣̣̣̥α̲̅® u gat 2 take things easy and move on with Ɣ☺U̶̲̥̅̊я life

I know exactly how you feel. My brother's going to be getting married next year. I've only been dating the girl I'm with for about five months and my family doesn't know I'm with her. My family's Asian too so the idea of coming out to them and wanting my girlfriend to just be my date is never going to happen. They're very old fashioned and homophobic.

Are you allowed to get married out of the states? If so, Montreal, Quebec, canada is the most liberal valued territory in north America. Today is gay celebration day with mega parades and gays get married. Would that marriage be recognize in your country?<br />
<br />
As long as will be dealing with human beings, there will be ****** up **** twisted false values of all sort like that.

I would just like to say this: You say that you could have a fake celebration and so on, but it would not be real....<br />
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If you love her, and she loves you, then dose it really matter if the state thinks it official or not? That’s what it comes down to. It would still be a real celebration of your love if you had one. Just that the state you live in wont officially see it that way. That’s all.<br />
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They can stop you from singing a bit of paper that only means anything to the government. That’s really all the law dose. It won’t stop you from really celebrating. I mean, when it comes down to it, all that really truly matters is if you and your GF love each other enough to commit to each other forever. That’s it. That’s what a wedding is. It’s a celebration of love, not a celebration of a law that says you can get married. <br />
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As far as I can see, the only REAL thing stoping you and your partner from having a celebration is your own view on this law. If you want it to be REAL, then its real.<br />
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So, I give you this advice: HAVE a celebration of you and your partners love. You don't need a church or an ‘official’ person to marry you. All you need is the love you two have. That’s it. Nothing else matters but the love. :)<br />
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That can go for anyone anywahere anytime. All you need is love. Simple as that. :)

I can understand how you feel it is a very long time ago now but still...

Take a vacation up to Canada, everything is legal there. Plus it's an absolutely lovely road trip.

I do believe that love conquors all. If you do love this girl like you say you do then a ceremoy does not mean that much to you right now. You have her and she has you. What else do you need. You have warm nights, you can get a small bottleof wine or pop and sit by the coast or even by the window and just look at each other and tell her how much you love her and how some day soon she will be your best friend. When you both quit thinking about yourself and start loving each other and she becomes your best friend(after about 30-40 years) then you can go and see a preacher or get that big wedding. Yes, a big ceremonie is great and all that. But afterwards you are stuck with not only a hang over but a hell of a bill you two have to pay on for 5-10 years. Please just be greatfull you have eah other. When you start thinking of what you can do for each other instead of yourselves then you will know you are in love enough to get married. I know. We have been married 45 years with 3 daughters and 7 grand children. we are still goingn strong. We only had 1 day to get married and no big wedding or a honey moon. But we sit on the couch and look thru the phamplets and dream. we are both retired and hoping ....Solina.

I am experiencing the EXACT same thing. I feel your pain. My partner and I are both 27 and I have been together for 4 years. We are also raising a child together. We are openly gay and accepted as a family by most of our relatives. Missing one HUGE detail...we can't get married. Nor can I legally adopt our son because the state that I reside in does not allow same-sex couples to adopt jointly. Thus meaning that if anything ever happened to my partner, (god forbid) I would lose our son. Her family is what I like to refer to as the 'unaccepting accepters". They invite my to things, send me cards on holiday (except Mothers Day) and are very kind and friendly with me. On the flip side, they are completely against the concept of our family because they are 'dedicated Catholic' and it goes against the ways of God. My partner and I have been looking at engagement rings for two years now with the mindset that we will do one of two things, have a commitment of love ceremony with our friends and family here in the state we reside or have our ceremony in a state where it is legal and hope that eventually once Ohio laws change that our marriage will be recognized. <br />
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About a month after I started looking at engagement rings I get a call from my best friend of 15 years telling me that he bought a ring and is proposing to his girlfriend of one year. What can you do but clench your jaw and express how excited you are for the great news. My best friend is like a brother, my entire family will be involved with this wedding. No way I could propose anytime soon.<br />
<br />
Nearly 7 months pass, the date is set for this fall and I decide that it's time to start thinking about proposing again. Back to ring shopping. Then, my partner gets 'the call' and younger sister just got engaged to boyfriend guessed year. They're not even out of college and still living with their parents. We have a freakin child together!!!! Are you kidding me?? I thought I was being punkd. They set their date for January. My partner, my son and myself all have birthdays in January...not to mention Christmas...and the wedding is in the state that her sister resides, Florida. Not only does this mean the whole proposal idea is, yet again, out of the question...but it means that our savings will be going toward 3 round trip flights, hotel expenses and my partner and our son are in the wedding and will be required to purchase specific attire. Talk about a whole lot of AWESOME. <br />
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What can you do?

Hey I'm ema I'm 26yrs old I want to met someone that can make me come nd wet each time I set my eyes on her someone that suck me dry<br />
**** me real hard hint me

It isn't fair. I am not gay or lesbian but I was outraged that they took away the right for gay people to get married! It's a fundamental human right!! It is very unfair. You deserve to be celebrating your wedding as any straight person can and for everyone to respect that!! I was also mad that pot is not legal but it is not a violation of human rights the way removing the right to marriage (for ALL human beings, gay or straight) is. It just disgusts me how our country is still stuck in the uncivilized, primitive mindstate. Why don't we go ahead and enslave black people again while we are at it?

I'm a bit clueless as to the difference between a ceremony and a traditional wedding (I always thought it was just a lack of church), so forgive me if I come across as ignorant. I've never looked into the whole marriage thing myself - especially not the USA laws. But if I were you I would just arrange an even bigger kick-*** party for the two of you (with a giant champagne fountain because they rock - I saw one for the first time this year)! I'm an atheist, so a church wedding isn't really a priority for me. If I ever do get married it will be outside in the sunshine (maybe a forrest) and non-religious. So all the 'official legal thingamy' would be done seperately anyway. I would find a state where you can sort out the legal stuff (for the benefit of the government) and then arrange the important sharing/celebration/public vows part with everyone you love back home. Best of luck to the both of you and hope it all works out.

that just sux. i feel your pain. its not fair that boys and girls can be married but girls and girls or guys and guys cant becuase pepole are to intolrent. *cyber hug* i hope every thing works out and u can find some way to marry her. u dessev happiness like every one elase and if its with a girl who cares? as long as your happy does it really matter?

Stay hopeful, msriot. Prop 8 will, most likely, be challenged in court & eventually overturned. I cannot see California's lgbt community tolerating it. It just may take some time for all the legal wranglings & attitudes to change back to what we all know is right - for all couples (gay or straight) to be allowed to be married.<br />
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Here, in Canada, same-sex marriage has been on the books for about 5 yrs. The road has been long & trying to get to that point. Ocassionally, there's some right wing group (even sometimes our own conservative gov't) that tries to turn back everything, but we end up grouping together (gay & straight) and challenge the outdated thinking, etc. with mixed results, but sometimes having to take arguments to court (still!). Sometimes people are really slow to change (if they change at all) - but we carry on & keep working & believing. We won't go down without a fight - it's our very lives we're talking about here!<br />
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Hang in there msriot. It may take some time, but I believe you will get it back.<br />
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Take care & know this Canadian is hoping & believing......

I hope they overturn the ban on gay marriage because it's discrimination.<br />
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However, I hate to tell you that even if gay marriage was legal, it would not mean you would get the same kind of wedding as your sister, it's your friends and family who give you that kind of wedding. You could decide to have a fake wedding and if you had your friends' and family's support they would give you the same kind of wedding just without the piece of paper. It's not proposition 8 that's keeping you from the wedding of your dreams it's your family, friends and relatives who are keeping you from the wedding of your dreams - the fact that you don't feel you would have their support in having such a ceremony, and you may or may not be right.<br />
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That said, gay marriage should be legalized!

When I heard the pro-8 failed to go through, I was shocked. How could the most liberal state in the union, with the most strict environmental laws, ban gay marriages? It just doesn't make sense.<br />
I feel that the ban is in itself unconstitutional as it is against the definition of "Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" as proposed in the Constitution. Pro-8 might as well banned interracial marriage for as much sense as it makes!<br />
Some advice to you if I may, if you really love her, go to a state (and it would make a great honeymoon) that has same sex marriage, and get married! Be damned what California law says. <br />
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This life is short enough and harsh enough to be alone, unloved and miserable. The religious have no right to pass or enforce such laws (Separation of Church and State). <br />
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As a heterosexual male I wish you much luck in your endeavors with your life, liberty and pursuit of your happiness. Good luck.


oh god i thought i was the only one i came out 2 yearsbago after a bad marriage to a man and had my first girl experience.....not ready to marry her yet...but your story paved the way mentally if we do....god love you

I'm sorry to say but I don't think homosexual marriages are right..we are living in a sick world getting sicker by the year. Lust, perversion and immorality has made us blind. Some day we'll all see the errors of our ways...

My girlfriend and I live in the red-neck state of Georgia, so guess how we are treated! I empathise with you Soooooo much1

THUMBS UP @ THE COMMENT "We too are tax-paying, voting, citizens. There should be marriage equality in today's world, not inequality. Who gave the state the right to determine which adult should marry which other adult?" <br />
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I agree!

awww... <br />
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I'm sorry that you can't have a real wedding like your sister.

I can feel the way you feel in your words. But I feel that you should be grateful that you found someone that you know really loves you. That is the blessing of it all. I understand that having an event is fun and exciting but nothing can be better in life than finding someone that truly love and care for you. I am straight but I don’t think that I will ever have what you have right now. So it is grate to hear how happy you are with your special someone. .

JDwoman:<br />
1)Last time I checked God didn't write laws, Men and Women did. <br />
2) My life is not a "style"-- thank you very much. <br />
3) I have a heterosexual family that loves me very much !!! My mom and my dad raised me with lots of FAMILY VALUES, which is why I respect and honor my partner the way kind people do in relationships. My loving heterosexual family, with their AWESOME VALUES, believe that two decent people who are law-abiding, tax paying citizen have equal right under the law to get married... WOW. <br />
4) Our values are very different, but I won't step on your toes and say that heterosexual marriages should be against the law. Although over over half of all heterosexual marriages end up in divorce now. Where are the "values" in those broken holy unions?<br />
5) Lastly, why on earth are you trolling the "I am a Lesbian" section???

Have you and your girl got married yet if not move to Washington state

Oh for heaven's sake!!!! Marriage is a CONTRACT -- not necessarily a religious experience. I totally accept any given religion's right not to marry me and my partner. If the local Imam says two women cannot marry in his mosque -- fine. That is the right of that religion to limit marriage in any way they want. But what I do NOT accept is the right of the state to limit me and my partner's access to many rights and privileges that are awarded through marriage. That is just WRONG. We too are tax-paying, voting, citizens. There should be marriage equality in today's world, not inequality. Who gave the state the right to determine which adult should marry which other adult?

jdwoman, why do you think that same sex couples don't have family values? Also, why must gays/lesbians live under your God? What if their God accepts their marriage? Why don't you want gays and lesbians to celebrate their love like everyone else? You say the majority of your best friends are gay/lesbian yet you don't have enough concern or caring to allow them to celebrate their marriage. Why can't you let others live by their own beliefs? Whether you agree with someone's beliefs or not, as long as they aren't forcing those beliefs on you, why can't you let them live with their beliefs?

Marriage is a sanctified union between a man and a woman. Period. Family values have been ignored and/or changed enough in this day and age--we don't need to add the desecration of marriage to the list. Our society is on the verge of collapse because of the loss of focus on the family unit. <br />
Do I think you have the right to choose the lifestyle that makes you happy?? You betcha! Do I think you are "wrong" for your choice?--NO WAY! The majority of my best friends are gay/lesbian and I love all of them! What I do think is wrong is your desire to legally, under God, marry your partner. Have any sort of relationship celebration you wish..but it can't be marriage.

thanks... everyone for your sympathy and comments! a lot of this has just been weighing down on my chest for awhile... i talked to my beloved about all of my confusing marriage feelings, and she is super supportive of whatever we choose to do to show that we love each other-- whether its wait for that ban to be lifted, have a party just to celebrate us, or head to mass as suggested by intrepid traveler. it still sucks to know that we can't get married in our own state, but at least i have someone who really loves me. (blessed be)

California's Proposition 8, officially titled Proposition 8 - Eliminates Right of Same-Sex Couples to Marry. Passed November 5, 2008 with 52.1% of California voters in favor to 47.9% against.... <br />
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About six months prior to Prop 8 passing and ELIMINATING the rights of gays and lesbians to marry, the California Supreme Court overturned a previous ban on gay marriage (Prop 22) passed in 2000. <br />
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So for six months from June to November 2008 gays and lesbians were able to marry legally in California, and California now has about 16,000-18,000 legally married same sex couples. As soon as Proposition 8 passed in November though, all of the courts in California stopped issuing marriage licenses to same sex couples. <br />
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But what about all of those same sex married couples you ask? Are they still legally married? YES, they are. The CRAZY hypocritical supreme court ruled that all of the same sex couples who married in that time fr<x>ame are still legally married although... no other gay or lesbian couples can get married until the ban is over turn again!!! <br />
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So basically any gay or lesbian couple that didn't get married within those six months have to wait for the majority of Californians to vote to give their right to marry back. The insane thing is how much money was donated by conservatives to sway and confuse public opinion about the vote. All you have to do is to their brainwashing site to see their backwards advertising.

I am really sorry that you have to deal with this. It is truly unfair and sad when CA does not allow two human beings to marry one another. It is even sadder that they allow frivolous heterosexual marriages to be legal. I believe that one day it will be legal again and you and your girlfriend can have the wedding you always wanted to.

come on out to mass-not only can you get married, but i'll marry you myself for free ;) (i am an ordained minister) =)

Omg I am looking to marry my girlfriend and would be very grateful and would feel so blessed if you would do us the honor as well &lt;3 please email me..

{{{HUGS, sister}}} It's totally not fair and I totally know how you feel! My love and I have been waiting for our state to legalize marriage equality too.... but in a pinch we just may drive next door to one of the states where it is already legal and tie the knot there. I know it's a long way from California, but it is an option for you!

Hi all:<br />
<br />
Really sorry that I don't know about prop-8. What is it? I am not from state.<br />
Your explanation is much appreciated.

I agree! I don't think its fair that gays and lesbians are not "allowed" to express their love for eachother. I'm sorry you feel this way and I hope that maybe one day in the near future ppl will stop being so closed minded and realize that everyone deservs love and happiness no matter what their sexual preference. Plz keep your head up and keep hope alive that one day you and your girlfriend as well as the many other gay and lesbian ppl in our country will be excepted as you are. After all our pledge of alligence clearly states "and justice for ALL" I believe in my heart that one day ppl will realize that being gay isn't so out of the norm I mean you'd think that being in the 21st century we'd be more open minded. Again keep you're head up

It's not fair indeed! I need to google prop-8, I have no clue what it's about. Here in France is no option either. Just some stupid contract. Where is the promised equality? It's discrimination...<br />
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Thanks for posting your story! This problem needs to be more visible.

I hate it when sisters make you feel so bad.

That sounds terrible., not to mention the divorce rate is 48%. It's natural to be jealous, you deserve a wedding too. At least you know why you feel the way you do and have been able to control it around your sister. Prop 8 sucks.

It isn't fair! I totally feel for ya, girl. I'm not ready for marriage yet...but someday I defintely want it, and by then I'm hoping Gays will be able to. It will happen, it will! It's a movement...that has to happen. I know you are a bit jealous...just have to bear it, for now. :(

I hope you guys can have your wedding. :( Hopefully things will turn around and you'll be able to. I mean, shouldn't marriage be about two people who love eachother regardless of sex? You also have some people who get married at a drive through wedding in Vegas who don't give a rats *** about eachother but they get to do it because they're of opposing sex. Anyway, I really hope you guys can get married in the way that you want to.

another add on :)<br />
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be patient with the pro 8 it will come around.. look how things have changed .. we have come so far in this world from 10 years ago.<br />
everything takes it time.. I know its not fair and i agree its not right but the world is changing..we will have it all soon :))

awww hun , I feel your frustration from all the way over here in brother just got married saturday just gone <br />
( honestly ).......and I was so happy for him if a little envious.<br />
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you 2 love each other that should be are married in your hearts ,<br />
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you can have a blessing anywhere , you can still have all the trimmings with a blessing like a huge family get together and party.showing your commitment to each other in front of family and friends that should mean more than a wedding certificate right :))<br />
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and you can even change your surname by depol. and when we are eventually allowed to marry for real you can have another wedding if you want.<br />
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no matter what anyone says they cannot say your love is not real or even not genuine if you arent 'society married' <br />
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with your sisters wedding be true to yourself and your gf by being proud no matter what your family say or whisper about you two. Be strong and just concentrate on celebrating your sisters day , sod the family if they are judgemental!<br />
you have nothing to be ashamed of<br />
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hope it all goes well :)<br />
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