Never Been Happy Eversince...

hello everyone i'm 26 y/o nd dis is my story i'm just an introvert kind of person and this is the reason why its hard for me to tell what i feel for almost 26 years of my life, i came from a broken family and never realize that it will affect my identity at my early age.I started to have crush on a girl when i was 7 y/o i thought its just a normal feeling so it dont bother me at all until my mom saw the changes on my attitude then suddenly told me that being lesbian is like living with an abnormal and shameful life. Sometimes everytime that they can see some movies accidentalyy on tv about lesbianism it makes them uncomftable and show me me how disgusting it is so that i'm afraid to tell them that i once have a crush on  girl. When i reahed the age of 10 its become a good news to me that i had crush on a guy and i think that it wont bother me anymore and  forget my first crush i consider this as my puppy love with a guy. Because we both shy we didn't even confess our feelings for each other and also because we are too young to be together and my parents not allowing me be into relationship of course. Unfortunately, again i fell in love with my friend who is a girl and i'm afraid because of my parents, i know that if they'll know that im a lesbian maybe they never accept me so i keep this feelings until a began college. Like what i'm said i've been inlove for girls and boys alternately without letting anyone of what i feel so that  consider myself as a bi but now i never felt anything for a guy not the same with a girl because until now i'm so much attracted to girls. What's hurting me is that until now no one ever know that i'm a lesb only god knows who i am, it also disappoint me because i feel so much pity for myself and my friends wonder why im not entertaining some guys though theres a lot of guys who's got crush in me i'm physically 100percent woman but not the same as the woman must have to feel to a man.It has many negative effect on me when it comes to work and my family, i always come to the point that im always finding a new job because everytime i fell in love with my offcmte a decide to resign without them knowng what is my reason to leave... still now im struggling with this feeling because im afraid that what if my family know? they are persons that i only had and i cant afford if i lose them and reject me, we are facing so many family problem and i dont want them to know this because they will get angry and hurt because of me.... i need help please me myself also struggling with this feeling its affects the whole me because of not coming out, sorry for bad english....

jenazzhir jenazzhir
26-30, F
2 Responses Feb 21, 2010

tnx for ur advice softspoken i really appreciate i! tnx a lot, i'll consider your advice...

Sorry to hear that you are struggling with this situation, sometimes it can be pretty overwhelming if you feel you don't have anyone that is supportive in your corner. In my opinion, if you are not ready to come out to anyone then you shouldn't. Only do this when you are comfortable with being who you are and not before. I can definitely understand the family situation and not all parents are accepting of the situation. If you are worried about losing your friends because of this then you should not tell them either. You say that you like men and women but you don't want to marry a man. One thing you could do is for appearance sake only is, when you are with your friends have one of the guys that like you be your date. The only problem with that is, if you are dating a woman and have feelings for her she won't be accepting of that. Either way you have to do what is best for you and what makes you feel comfortable. <br />
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I am not sure if I was any help but I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.