The Girl Made Of Stone

To admit to being lithromantic is like admitting to being diseased. Scarred. Broken somehow, wrong. I stumbled upon the term while browsing the asexuality forums. Even to the asexuals themselves we're somewhat of a puzzle. To be romantically attracted to someone yet not wishing for those feelings to be reciprocated...that's some form of masochism, isn't it? If only things were that simple. If only society were that simple.

I love people. I fall in love with them- far too often for my own good. The presence they bring to those around them, their character, that peculiar way they bite their lip when they're nervous or how sad they look when they think no one's looking. The little things. I fantasize getting to know them better, having them open up to me. Maybe even sharing a kiss or laying in bed all morning together.

But to me, the purest form of love are all the unspoken moments. The shared glance, the feeling of camaraderie. Knowing you both love each other to the extent that you don't even have to voice it. It's the light touch they give me on the shoulder as they pass me by, the way they glance at my lips briefly before shifting in their seat and nodding. To me, as a lithromantic, these moments are just as emotionally fufilling to me as most normal romantic relationships are to people. While I might fantasize about kissing you, to actually consent to doing this in real life would be horrifying.

I don't need you to need me. I don't need you to text me constantly and feel obligated to me specifically. I don't need you to woo me over with flowers and doo-dads and trinkets. In fact, it would make me uncomfortable. It goes against the grain of who I am. Suddenly, I feel trapped. Obligated to play out the role society has chosen for me as "the girlfriend". How do I explain this concept to you without hurting you? How do I explain that this unspoken love between us is all the I need or will ever need? You call it "limbo". I call it "perfection". They gray area between friends and more than just friends is where I've always been most comfortable, but it never lasts. Someone always stumbles, trips, falls. Asks me to be their girlfriend. Makes some grand romantic gesture. Suddenly where our conversations were once deep and philosophical, even affectionate, they're now awkward and forced. Where our interactions were once natural, they're now stiff. And thus begins the "watching each other phase". Is she approving of me? Does she think I'm sexy? Is she being friendly with someone else or just flat out flirting? Suddenly I'm suffocating, and I don't know how to tell you I can't handle this. Questions begin to arise. Did you ever love me at all? Why are you doing this?

I fall in love with people. The way they glance out of the corners of their eyes and breathe out dreams. The way they glance to the stars and count their lovers on fingers and toes. But society does not love me. We fall in love and they tell me I'm a heart-breaker. A sexual deviant. A **** and a flirt and a commitment-phobe. Is this who I am? Guys eye me leerily because they think they can get sex from a girl who doesn't want a relationship. Girls glare at me because I cheat when it comes to love- getting all of the magic and none of the realities. But it hurts every time. Because every time I hurt someone else at the cost of being true to myself, I begin to wonder what it all comes down to. Will it always be like this? Or will I turn on the TV one day to watch a romantic comedy only to find my life has turned into one? No...it will never be that way.

I don't want your trinkets. I don't want your toys. I only want the areas in between. And when you ask me to be your girlfriend, I'll look you square in the eye and say "no".
fortressmeadow fortressmeadow
18-21, F
11 Responses Dec 19, 2012

This is exactly how I feel! But I've now had 3 boyfriends that have lasted maximum 3 days and I keep thinking maybe it's the boy but it's not it's me!

Can you ever stop being lithromantic?

omg this is so true. i thought i was the only one while my friends are all in their relationship. they keep asking me how the hell i am still single and i just can't tell them how i feel. Thank you so much for posting this <3 now i understand who am i. i'm a lithromantic too!

hey message me!

This was posted on my birthday!

Wow!! Beautifully described and written. I love this. Especially the part when you described the grey area - that's where I want to live too, somewhere between friends and more than friends. I also love the unspoken little moments that aren't overtly romantic, a slight touch on my arm, a look across the room, a smile when you're talking to someone on the phone. It's those moments that I treasure.

I too don't want to be with him romantically, but I love crushing on him from a distance.

Thank you for sharing this, it's perfect.

Beautiful writing and something I can relate to which as a fellow lithro is so rare, I'm very glad I've read this :)

Dear God. It's like you kidnapped me when I was unconscious and peered into my brain. This is what I've been trying to understand about myself for years, because my problem is that I can't say no. I always think that maybe I'll find my happy ending, the ideal romance that I daydream about. But I only like to daydream.

I'm always fooling myself each time, because each time I break up with decent guys. Really nice guys that deserve girls who spend their whole lives seeking them.

I'm in a nearly six month relationship with someone and I've "broken up" with him over four times, this is my longest relationship. I really don't know. I really can't stand breaking any more hearts because of how monstrous and contradictory I am.

MYGOSH! You're so in point. Its so accurate, really I thought I ws the only one with this "feeling" and the last paragraph you metion I yse to always say to my friends they thought of me to be a weird person but now I truly know im not the oonly one.

You really described it perfectly! I've looking around everywhere for a more clear definition of what is a lithromantic, and this is almost exactly how I feel. I still have some figuring out to do, to know what I really am, but thank you for this! <3

I haven't been quite sure if I really am lith, but these words could have come from my own mouth. Thank you for sharing.

From a fellow lithro, this is beautiful. <3

You explained that really well. Definitions I found for lithoromantic didn't really get the point across...