I Am A Living Contradiction....

I am a living, breathing, walking, talking contradiction. I believe what I believe, but I also believe otherwise from the things that I believe. For example: I believe in God, the creator of the universe. There is simply too much repetitious patterning to the universe for me to believe that it just evolved out of chaos by random occurrence. However, I don't see how a loving GOD, an omnipotent being, can allow such suffering to exist in his/her creation. (Oh yeah, since I just typed it out, I believe that GOD is female, since throughout history, it has been the FEMALE of every single mammalian species that gives birth to new life. But, I always refer to God as a male, because THAT was conditioned into me by the people that believe that GOD IS male, including my own father.)
I believe that this omnipotent being created the universe, and then basically left humanity to its own devices. I see no positive proof of God's influence in the modern affairs of man. BUT, at the same time, I know absolutely that I was put here on this Earth to accomplish certain tasks, and that I will not be ALLOWED to leave this Earth until all of my tasks are complete.

I know that certain foods and drinks are extremely bad for me. But, knowing that, I still eat and drink them. I don't believe in taking stupid risks, but I gamble with my own health in this way.

Again, I do not believe in taking stupid risks, but I have a proven "Superman complex" that forces me to put myself in danger when I see someone else in danger and I know that I can help them. I have done this multiple times. A fireworks display goes crazy and I deliberately set myself as a human shield to protect those that were screaming and running and NOT looking at where the rockets were going. I have braved an inferno in an attempt to save a persons car from the very same blaze.

I have recently had a BAD BAD BAD breakup. But even though I really want to hate her for what she did, I find myself missing her and wanting to apologize, just so that we can be friends again. DAMN IT!!! SHE hurt me! She caused the fight that started the whole mess. She refused to apologize because she didn't see that she had done anything wrong.... And I want to apologize.

I am a salesman. And any salesperson out there can tell you that paperwork is the bane of a salesperson's existence. Your paperwork can make you or break you. Every salesperson HATES doing paperwork. Some of them hate it because it takes time away from selling. Some hate it because they aren't good at crossing their t's and doting their i's. In the beginning days of my sales career, I disliked paperwork. But I decided that I wanted to get good at it so that I wouldn't have to devote so much time at it. Now, 20 years later, i love being able to do my paperwork in record time and with zero errors. It is a source of pride with me. I wouldn't go so far as to say that I LOVE it, but i actually do kind of like it.

The list goes on and on. these are just a few examples. There are many many more. And I am positive that there are examples that I have forgotten about to. It seems to me that everything about me has two sides. And I see both of them in perfect stereo vision. It doesn't make sense. But then again, I guess it sort of does.

See what I mean,... another contradiction.
Maagrath Maagrath
41-45, M
May 22, 2012