I Don't Look Like A Loner So I Eventually End Up Disappointing Everyone

Ok so, I look completely different that how I truly am on the inside. I am a very funky, some consider me attractive and stylish looking person. On the times when I am pressured to go out, I am the life of the party. I drink, socialize, chat it up with random people and know how to start/ keep a conversation going. So what's the problem?, you may ask. Well, I don't like going out. I'd much rather stay at home all day painting, sculpting, reading, researching, watching documentaries/ movies and just relaxing. Even though I'm a great conversationalist and am not shy when speaking to people, nothing that we talk about really interests me. I hate small talk with a passion and make a quick dash into my apartment so as to not run into my neighbor for the usual 'Hey, how are you? How's it been? Oh, god this weather, right?'
I have only one friend but she has no idea who I really am. And that's sad because she's my best friend. She only knows the outgoing, fun and witty side of me, but there's so much more to me than that. I'm a very deep person and I can't seem to find anyone who doesn't want to talk about shopping, or the newest phone or song to come out. I know so much about so many different topics, yet it somehow seems useless when I have no one interested in talking about them to.
Sometimes when I just don't want to be bothered, if someone asks me about the weather I'll just ask them if they know about weather modification technology just to shut them up. I'm tired. I'm tired of people's hypocrisy. I'm disappointed in the fact that everything revolves around money. That if you tell people that money doesn't mean a damn thing to you and spending time with your loved ones and yourself is one of the most important things you can do, they look at you as if you're the craziest thing they've ever encountered. I'm deep about absolutely everything. I can have a light hearted conversation, but where's the fun in that? Don't people like to think anymore? I get that all the time when I mistakenly let down my guard and actually talk to those I consider close. 'Oh god, please not now, I'm not in the mood to think. So, how about this weather huh?' Or the blank stare and a subtle shake of the head, uncomfortable shrug of the shoulders, accompanied by the infamous 'Uh... well I don't know, you know'. Well, what I don't know is when I'm finally going to get a decent conversation out of somebody about things that actually interest me. And it's not so much talking with someone who knows about everything that I'm talking about, but how refreshing would it be to speak with someone who is actually really interested and genuinely curious, without thinking I'm nuts. Which I'm not by the way, but I am different. But I'm so different that I feel alone. I used to pride myself in not following the crowd, but aloneness is a very high price to pay. I do enjoy my own company, but there are times when the loneliness is just too dark for too long.
On top of everything else, I'm ridiculously optimistic about everything. And my thinking goes along the lines of, 'Well, if I exist, then there must be others out there who are like me.' So I'm always on the look out for someone new and similar to myself. Unfortunately though, the people that I have encountered who could potentially be interesting to talk to, end up being too crazy for me. The other day a girl randomly started talking to me, she looked like any other girl and she was very upbeat and friendly. We were speaking for a while and just when I thought that I had finally met someone like me, she dropped the Jesus bomb on me. She told me that she was Jesus. Don't get me wrong, in all of the studying and meditating that I've done, I firmly believe in a higher being. That higher being is simply us and we are all connected to one another and to every living thing around us no matter how insignificant it may seem. And could this girl have simply been going through a mania phase, when you get a glimpse into eye opening epiphanies? Perhaps. But, she still was not stable enough for me to want to pursue anymore conversation.
I know that the best thing to do with all of this time to myself, is to work on the spiritual side of who I am. It just would be wonderful to know that I'm not the only one. What I wouldn't give to know that there are people who are very close to where I am right now. I'm not looking for a solution, because I don't consider this a problem, even though I know that those closest to me do, but I'm reaching out blindly in the hopes for understanding. Understanding... wow, that's all I would like. Someone to tell me that I'm not losing it. That the things that I'm looking for in other people are so ridiculously simple that it's them who have lost it.
This side of me is costing me my best friend. Since I'm so close to her, it's hard for me to keep up the mundane talk for too long. Now I'm just avoiding her and flaking out on her all of the time. I'm hurting her in the process, but I just don't know how to explain this to her. I guess at the bottom of it all, I must be afraid that she won't like me anymore. I'd rather she think of me as a flake instead of being crazy. Sounds silly, but I know that that has to be it. She thinks I'm so much fun, and I am, but I really just want to be what everyone else may consider boring. I know I don't. If I met someone like myself, it would be the most exciting thing that has ever happened to me.
sphinx2die4 sphinx2die4
26-30, F
15 Responses May 26, 2010

You have eloquently described an all-too-familiar feeling.

You're quite an amazing person, and maybe you're really too smart to socialize with the average crowd, like other commenters said. Personally, I wish I had your skills, being able to chat with random people smoothly. All in all, I think you're doing just fine, eventually people who share your interests and characteristics will understand and gather around you, for you.

Wow, I wasn't expecting those comments lol.. all I wanted to say was I hear you, I live it so "I get it". I seek truth in everything and even in relationships have been dissapointed to not reach the kind of depth I seek from a partner. A true intelluctual. I have no interest in materials rather I live to observe and discover what makes people become who they are. Being a loner has been a trying adventure. Sometimes it's easier to accept but there are times when I'm amongst a room full of people and feel completely alone and while I'm also very social it just feels like a lot of work.

You're not "losing it". In fact, I can relate to a lot of the things you said. Whenever I talk to anyone, it is always about mundane, superficial, surface stuff. I have stopped talking about my "deeper issues", because there is no way I CAN talk about them without being subjected to a lot of ignorant, patronizing comments, and having people think I'm crazy. I'm afraid of letting my guard down and confiding too much in anyone; in the past, whenever I've done this, I have ALWAYS gotten hurt. It is not depressing for me to talk about my "deeper issues"; in fact, I have a sense of humor about them, and it really makes me happy when I talk to someone who "gets it". I'm to the point where I've given up ever finding someone like me. Like you, understanding is all I'm looking for. If I ever meet anyone like me, it will be the most exciting thing that ever happened to me. But if not, I am happy with my life the way it is. I get along well with everyone, even if I can't relate to them. I think that's as good as it will ever get, and I have accepted this. Thanks for sharing your thoughtful story. Take care!

i feel the exact same way.<br />
people are so blind to the world around them & when i talk about my interests everyone looks at me like i am crazy, so i just listen to what they have to say and get out of the conversation as quickly as possible.

Cool!!!, let'ss se more particpation then, it's always nice to know new people ^^

Wow, all of you guys absolutely rock! I checked back in a couple of days after I posted this and there weren't any comments at the time, so I thought no one would ever read this. I decided to check it out one more time and was SHOCKED to find so much positive feedback. You guys have no idea how good I feel now :) I truly believed I was losing it. Thanks so much, all of your comments have motivated me participate more in this community :D

Wow, all of you guys absolutely rock! I checked back in a couple of days after I posted this and there weren't any comments at the time, so I thought no one would ever read this. I decided to check it out one more time and was SHOCKED to find so much positive feedback. You guys have no idea how good I feel now :) I truly believed I was losing it. Thanks so much, all of your comments have motivated me participate more in this community :D

Wow, all of you guys absolutely rock! I checked back in a couple of days after I posted this and there weren't any comments at the time, so I thought no one would ever read this. I decided to check it out one more time and was SHOCKED to find so much positive feedback. You guys have no idea how good I feel now :) I truly believed I was losing it. Thanks so much, all of your comments have motivated me participate more in this community :D

Cool, I'm not the only one who thinks you are perfect girl ... but they are a bit ... oh, whatever, I'm just like them or even worst XD<br />
OK, the improtant thing, girl, you are searching for people in the WRONG place<br />
(yeah, had the same problem for years and now prefear to be alone), you know=?, if you go to parties, or go to chat with big groups of people, you'll end up disapointed. in groups, people talk about stupid things, in parties,m there are only silly people, if you want to know people who is smart, then go to a geek place where everyone else who has no social life cohexists, and really I think THIS is the perfect place, everyone is so weird, dissapointed of society, or lonely, that this makes the perfect place for people like you,m the guys above me, and me, to meet new people, to find really smart people (yeah, smart people is always alone because they can't find a real or interesting conversation in the mundane world that sorounds them) or people wh feels just like you (there is a reazon all the lonely guys are reading this, right), so, you are not wrong, you are totally rigth, but you are searching for people in the wrong place, that's your problem<br />
<br />
ok, I'm in a public computer and my time jsut run out, will read this topic again next week when I ahve Internet again, wish you the best luck of the world girl, and don't worry, here you'll find real friends, people to chat with, and people to feel comfortable with, good luck, bye ;)

You are so not alone! Today I just "hid" almost everyone on facebook because I'm sick of reading their mudane bullshit and don't even want to go on there anymore. I end up feeling left out when I read everyone's ****- I'm a loner and becoming less embarrassed about it- I also socialize very well when out, etc and no one would know how I really am- but most of the time when i go out, i look forward to coming home!

I know exactly what you are talking about. This is why I hate holidays. I am forced to spend it with my inlaws that just want to talk about the weather, their yorkies, and some sale they went to at Ross.

you are one powerfully rich human - a humbling read indeed. Thanks for your post

I'm the same way. I actually had to LEARN how to make small talk because I felt it was so unnecessary and boring. I wanted to talk about things that mattered. Later I realized I had to force myself to engage in small talk to get people to open up about things that really mattered. Conversation truly is an art form. I suppose though if I were to meet other deep thinkers, we could just skip the BS eh?

your story is great. i avoid people sometime just cause i know they are gonna talk stuff i don't wanna hear, or get off on the weather trip when i know they could really care less about the weather. u seem fun and outgoing to me.

YIKES, I read your ******* story and I fell in love with you. You are such a beast seriously. I can tell that you are freaking hot as hell and smart and witty as hell too. You are seriously like my DREAM GIRL which is why I hope I never meet you in real life because that would just be insane, I would seriously be ultimately head over heels for you. Anyhow, about feeling lonely, its not that you are boring, you are just HONEST WITH YOURSELF, people can't handle other people who are completely honest with themselves, like you acknowledge that you have the skills to socialize and be butterific but you do not care care about popularity or repetitive, hypocritical people because they just drive you insane. You hate small talk because, damn kid, you're basically wasting words which are so precious in discussing things you don't give a flying crap about, SERIOUSLY YOU ARE DAM AWESOME JESUS. I'm like exactly the same way. I can be a super funny and charming person but people are so goddam boring it drives me crazy sometimes. I would much rather hang with an honest, stupid person than a snobby, narrow, and hypocritical standard person you know, its freaking ridiculous. I really hope you find some great friends who you find interesting and independent sometimes soon. I also recommend that you "The Fountainhead" by Ayn Rand if you havent read it yet, it will make you feel better trust me. And no, I'm not an ob<x>jectivist, and yes, i love you for who you are and thank heaven that you wrote this crazy post because I felt like i was looking in the freaking mirror!!!!!!