I Don't Look Like A Loner So I Eventually End Up Disappointing EveryoneOk so, I look completely different that how I truly am on the inside. I am a very funky, some consider me attractive and stylish looking person. On the times when I am pressured to go out, I am the life of the party. I drink, socialize, chat it up with random people and know how to start/ keep a conversation going. So what's the problem?, you may ask. Well, I don't like going out. I'd much rather stay at home all day painting, sculpting, reading, researching, watching documentaries/ movies and just relaxing. Even though I'm a great conversationalist and am not shy when speaking to people, nothing that we talk about really interests me. I hate small talk with a passion and make a quick dash into my apartment so as to not run into my neighbor for the usual 'Hey, how are you? How's it been? Oh, god this weather, right?'
I have only one friend but she has no idea who I really am. And that's sad because she's my best friend. She only knows the outgoing, fun and witty side of me, but there's so much more to me than that. I'm a very deep person and I can't seem to find anyone who doesn't want to talk about shopping, or the newest phone or song to come out. I know so much about so many different topics, yet it somehow seems useless when I have no one interested in talking about them to.
Sometimes when I just don't want to be bothered, if someone asks me about the weather I'll just ask them if they know about weather modification technology just to shut them up. I'm tired. I'm tired of people's hypocrisy. I'm disappointed in the fact that everything revolves around money. That if you tell people that money doesn't mean a damn thing to you and spending time with your loved ones and yourself is one of the most important things you can do, they look at you as if you're the craziest thing they've ever encountered. I'm deep about absolutely everything. I can have a light hearted conversation, but where's the fun in that? Don't people like to think anymore? I get that all the time when I mistakenly let down my guard and actually talk to those I consider close. 'Oh god, please not now, I'm not in the mood to think. So, how about this weather huh?' Or the blank stare and a subtle shake of the head, uncomfortable shrug of the shoulders, accompanied by the infamous 'Uh... well I don't know, you know'. Well, what I don't know is when I'm finally going to get a decent conversation out of somebody about things that actually interest me. And it's not so much talking with someone who knows about everything that I'm talking about, but how refreshing would it be to speak with someone who is actually really interested and genuinely curious, without thinking I'm nuts. Which I'm not by the way, but I am different. But I'm so different that I feel alone. I used to pride myself in not following the crowd, but aloneness is a very high price to pay. I do enjoy my own company, but there are times when the loneliness is just too dark for too long.
On top of everything else, I'm ridiculously optimistic about everything. And my thinking goes along the lines of, 'Well, if I exist, then there must be others out there who are like me.' So I'm always on the look out for someone new and similar to myself. Unfortunately though, the people that I have encountered who could potentially be interesting to talk to, end up being too crazy for me. The other day a girl randomly started talking to me, she looked like any other girl and she was very upbeat and friendly. We were speaking for a while and just when I thought that I had finally met someone like me, she dropped the Jesus bomb on me. She told me that she was Jesus. Don't get me wrong, in all of the studying and meditating that I've done, I firmly believe in a higher being. That higher being is simply us and we are all connected to one another and to every living thing around us no matter how insignificant it may seem. And could this girl have simply been going through a mania phase, when you get a glimpse into eye opening epiphanies? Perhaps. But, she still was not stable enough for me to want to pursue anymore conversation.
I know that the best thing to do with all of this time to myself, is to work on the spiritual side of who I am. It just would be wonderful to know that I'm not the only one. What I wouldn't give to know that there are people who are very close to where I am right now. I'm not looking for a solution, because I don't consider this a problem, even though I know that those closest to me do, but I'm reaching out blindly in the hopes for understanding. Understanding... wow, that's all I would like. Someone to tell me that I'm not losing it. That the things that I'm looking for in other people are so ridiculously simple that it's them who have lost it.
This side of me is costing me my best friend. Since I'm so close to her, it's hard for me to keep up the mundane talk for too long. Now I'm just avoiding her and flaking out on her all of the time. I'm hurting her in the process, but I just don't know how to explain this to her. I guess at the bottom of it all, I must be afraid that she won't like me anymore. I'd rather she think of me as a flake instead of being crazy. Sounds silly, but I know that that has to be it. She thinks I'm so much fun, and I am, but I really just want to be what everyone else may consider boring. I know I don't. If I met someone like myself, it would be the most exciting thing that has ever happened to me.
sphinx2die4 26-30, F 15 Responses 3 May 26, 2010