I Feel Unwanted
I've always been the quiet type. I'm not very outgoing and I don't talk a whole lot. Big groups of people are fine, but I'd much rather spend my time with a close friend or two. 6 years ago while I was in high school I had an unusual reaction to the strep throat bacteria. Instead of the typical sore throat, my white blood cells attacked the part of my brain that involves social interaction & anxiety. I missed 5 months of school & was acting quite strange (unable to leave the house without having panic attacks/ being deathly afraid of non-family members/ unable to talk to people). Needless to say I lost pretty much all of my friends during this time, as I was unable to talk to them or communicate at all. Over the past 5-6 years I have been "growing up" and learning how to be social again (almost like reliving Erickson's developmental theory). As a senior in high school, I had the social skills of a toddler basically. I was still very smart (received full academic scholarship) & did well in my classes, but I didn't have any real friends my age. The closest thing I did to being social was volunteering at a local middle school twice a week (I'm a music education major, I would tutor and help out in band classes). Being around younger people/ people closer to my social development was not as intimidating, so I felt moderately normal there. As I've grown back up, I have retained a few friends from that experience, although it is awkward at times & is unusual for a college student to have close friends 5-6 years younger than him. Now, I struggle with being alone frequently. The friends I have rarely will talk to me if I don't initiate contact & I rarely hang with anyone at all. I get jealous when I see people I know having a great time with friends...especially when the people I consider friends do stuff without me, it makes me feel quite left out. This past week has been especially frustrating: I have been home the practically all week (except for a part time job). My brother returned from JMU this week, every day he has had a friend over or has gone out with friends. At the same time, everyone I try to talk/text ignores me or simply doesn't answer. Two of my best friends, who would normally talk most every day, also have been forgetting about me. I just want to have friends that remember I exist & would actually treat me like a friend for once.