I Really Am A Loner

So it has come to this, I have spent my whole life as a loner. Even worse, I have been moving and leaving behind the people that were my friends. The first time I did this I left my whole family and my best friend, and I never looked back. I was only 14 at the time, I left to protect myself from bad people and the shame I would live was worse than the decision to leave. I lived with my father and his 4 children for about two years, alas the abuse from my father was far too much for me. I was never able to help the other children, I have not seen or spoken to any of them since, it has been 11 years now. I have been following this pattern of leaving and never looking back for these past 11 years, but this time is different. I wanted to start my life anew, I have been hiding my career as an adult entertainer for about 9 years now. In an attempt to straighten out my lies and get a different job, I again moved and left everyone behind. I am now in worse place then ever, I moved here with my beloved husband who is really the only person in my life these days. To his home town, which is close to mine and his whole family lives here. I had to go back to entertaining after my hubby suffered a heart attack, I had to make money some how. I really do enjoy dancing, the customers are always complimentary and sweet to me. It`s just that, I feel I have no choice but to be very quite around everyone else. Almost every word out of my mouth has to a lie, everyone always asks, hows work. Every ******* time, like they can`t think of a better question to ask. Very stressful to me, sometimes I just wanna lose it on the person who asks me next. Like that has got to be the dumbest question ever, most people hat their job, right. Anyway, on a positive note I also wanted to go back to school and friends are always a distraction. So I started back, just doing upgrades right now, as I dont have a diploma. It makes me very happy to be there and I am not having too much trouble with the work so it is very nice. But again, loner mentality sets in and I berry my face in a novel during lunch, I don`t say hi to anyone. I am, i guess a bit scared and somewhat anxious to make friends. It is hard for me to build up my self worth enough to just go for it, I especially want to be honest with people but how can I. I am too worried about the whole dancer judgement. Cool, well I feel better, hopefully who ever reads this gets some comfort in knowing that there are all kinds of us for all kinds of reasons.
tooquiet tooquiet
1 Response Aug 3, 2011

Hey realy tuff strugle you are in,i realy face prblms like that but i am not a shy person.Leaving your family wud have been difficult but it was'nt nice.one thing you can do,just be friendly to ppl,does't matter you mak friends to them or not.say hi,hello thts enf for ur part of conversation and have patience.Dnt get bothered by the comments other ppl remember u doing it fa ur husband,focus on diploma dgree,may be u wud get a btr job than ths.Just a little advice,if possible try to straight out ur relations with ur family,u knw,"Itz foolishness to repeat the same thing/behaviour again if it had yielded nathing in past....U..R11".I pray that things wud get well for u,Ameen

Good advice, I do need to just be friendlier and say hello. I speak to my mothers side of the family, and I moved so I could see them more often. Baby steps, and i am not a patient person but I must wait it out. Not caring is something I am quite good at doing so it should be easy to say hello and not care about what I get back from them. Nice...