Everyone Thinks I'm A Loner But I'm Not.

I'm Asian and I moved here in Australia last year. I entered a public high school here. From that time I was very afraid to speak English. I tried to have conversation with one or two in my class, but they just won't bother. I spent my first break roaming around the school. I have never felt so hungry and tired in school before. Then it happened. I just don't have the stupid courage to talk to them. People think that I am smart because I am quiet. I have no friends. I do not talk to teachers. I can pretty say that I am smart, but I want at least a friend. I want my teachers to interact with me. I don't want to hang out in the library to 'read' books. Every class that I have thinks that I am a loner, or worse, do not think that I exist. I was always skipped during handout giving or group assigning. There was a nice guy named Alex who talked to me a during the last term of the year. He really wanted me to interact with him. Even if I want to, I just cannot stop the feeling that everyone will laugh at me after I talk. I didn't became really close with him. he always starts with a conversation, and I say stupid simple answers, and he will always ask me why am I so quiet. During the final week of the last term, every class of mine have a little party. I was afraid that they will leave me again unnoticed that's why I pretended to be sick and skipped the final 3 days.

This year I moved to another school. I was so excited to leave that school who doesn't care about me. But as I suspected, I didn't talked to them again. I pretended to be this 'quiet new guy' again. This time it is really hard for me because there are people with same nationality with me. I really wanted to talk to them, but I was afraid they will laugh at my English. I ended up roaming around the school again. This time I started to hide inside bathroom cubicles and think about how loser I am. Right now I am sitting on my bed, thinking what my classmates thought of me during the day. I will always break down and think that I will be better than all of them one day. I always think that in the future I will have plenty of money to buy clothes that I want, and also have many friends. But every time that I think about my school, I know that I will never be successful. I always think that I will be an accountant or anything like that but deep inside I know that I will never even have a chance to go to a good school because my parents cannot. I always bully my mind every time I go to bed, and right now I want it to stop. I always pray that God will miraculously get me here and be with him. But I know I can't. I just have to face this alone. Being an introvert is bringing me down. But I know that I have the brains and the ability to be independent. Everyone knows that. Every person in school knows that I'm independent because I don't ask help for obvious reasons. But as I said, right now I don't have a choice. It is either go ahead or be left behind. I know that they think of me as the 'no-talk guy' or 'weird' or 'anti-social *****' or 'have no friends' but I will one time show them that I am not behind them. All I need right now is a good sleep and battle this out to school tomorrow.
9bonbon9 9bonbon9
13-15
1 Response May 7, 2012

Thank you so much for sharing! You sound so much like me when I was in school, and I can honestly tell you from my life, that truly it gets better. I am 30 now, and I have as many friends as I need. I am definitely still an introvert, but I learned that it is better to have friends that matter than to have lots of them. You will get through it - and will be stronger for it! Embrace the good qualities of being an introvert!!

Greeting fellow Asian :) First of all, you moved to Australia just last year, so don't feel too disappointed if your English is not great. Learning any new language is a matter of practice and observation. I am sure your English will improve over time. Don't worry! Secondly, I can understand what you must be going through right now; I have been that position; I have changed schools just because I couldn't talk with my classmates. I have a piece of friendly advice: It's not about how much you talk, it's about HOW you talk, even if you talk little. And you sound like nice, smart and independent person, I am sure you will have a bright future :)