I Am A Loner.... Again

In school I was pretty much invisible. I didn't talk to many people. And they didn't talk to me. I was kind of shy. I had less than five friends, and I was perfectly okay. Well,i got out of school a year ago. My brother had committed suicide. And my nephew passed away. After that I was not a loner. I had to be with someone at all times. I'm pretty sure people didn't know what was wrong with me haha. I guess since I lost someone I felt being around a lot of people would help. I met new friends. I enjoyed being with them. I started to love my life. I wondered why I had ever made it alone. I also met a lot of people that were not good for me. My boyfriend and I had just broke up, so I was stupid and decided I would meet all the guys I could. Well, my ex and I still hung out every weekend because his friends were also mine. And when we spent time together we would try to work on us. Of course, no guy I was trying to meet could handle that. I tried to hide it from some guys. It never worked. They always found out. Eventually,I told every new guy I met that I would be spending time with my ex boyfriend and if they couldn't deal with that than forget about me. I know that was awfully rude of me. I wasn't thinking. I had enough of my ex boyfriend, yet I wasn't ready to lose him. I just wanted to try and move on at the same time. It was honestly stupid. Once my friend and I went on a date with two young men. That same night I ended up going to see my ex. I was an idiot,i know. Anyways the guy I went on date with was a pretty nice person at first. We hung out two more times. The second time he got drunk and left me with his friend. I cried all night to my mother, best friend, and ex. The next night my ex told me how he wanted me back. I never told him yes or no. I went to a party with a new young man. Everybody got drunk and I admit I drank also. The guy tried to take advantage of me and I cried and yelled at him. He was a mean drunk. I just couldn't deal with him. He left me at that party with people I didn't know and a town away from my home. I was stuck there until the next night. I finally called my friends and got a ride home. When my mother found out what happened she was very upset. I spent two more weekends with my ex boyfriend and friends. We talked and cried together trying to work things out. The second weekend though I ended up getting drunk with him and I blew up on him. I was hurt. I guess my anger to every other guy went to him. After that I hung out with the awful drunk from before. I don't know why. I guess I figured since I messed up things with the only one I wanted I could just be crazy and not care. Well, the guy got mean again and yelled at me. I felt like I was in a horror film or a lifetime movie. He almost left me in the middle of nowhere. I made it home. My mother was very upset at me. She didn't understand why I kept going with awful people places. She even mentioned that she wanted me to spend time with my ex and our friends so she wouldn't have to stay up all night praying I wouldn't get hurt. I cried for a long time, almost a week straight. Since then I've tried to do better. I got two jobs. I traveled. I also spent one last time with my friends without my ex. I spoke to him and he apologized for everything he ever put me through and I apologized for taking my anger at other guys out on him. We have yet to talk and it's been a month. I'm still sad. I'm still disgusted with myself for letting myself be in those awful situations. I hated myself for all of that. I've done a lot of praying. I'm trying to love myself now. I'm trying to enjoy life. It's so amazing to me that only a year ago I was never alone. I'm alone all the time now. And for what? because I grieved in an unhealthy way, because I hated myself for losing my boyfriend, because I didn't care what happened to me, and because I literally wanted my life to end. This whole story sounds stupid. I know. I just thought I'd type it to get everything out..... So, there it is.
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1 Response May 19, 2012

...wow....ik really sorry...