How Did I Become This Way?

I didn't know how to connect with people as a child. I didn't understand them, and being alone was so pleasurable. There is alot of freedom that comes with aloneness. I never felt judged, or bored when i was alone.  My perceived problems just melted away.  I was perfect, and didn't have people around to make me feel like, well, that I was different. It was like being around people made me feel alone and lonely as hell, and being alone made me feel accepted and loved. Thats why I am the way I am I think. As much as I have changed since my childhood, my experiences then, still affect my decisions now, and shapes my world. For better or worse? I guess its up to me, on how I decide to interpret it.
zombieinc zombieinc
31-35, M
1 Response Jan 18, 2013

I could have written this myself. I know exactly what you're talking about. I have never been able to relate to people. Even though I have tried really hard to be outgoing and involved with people, it still feels...lonely as hell to me. When I am with other people, I always feel judged, labeled, or pressured. Also, the more I'm surrounded by people, the more I become dependent on those people for my self worth. ( and that's not good ).
About a year ago, I became convinced that being a loner is a terrible thing. I had heard that many loners end up with cognitive decline or become self-centered, lonely, or bitter. I didn't want that, and I wanted to warn every other loner against it.
Now I can't deny the truth any longer. For me, there is a lot of freedom in being alone. All my insecurities just melt away. I don't compare myself to others who are smarter than I am, and no one harasses me about why don't I do this or do that.
I don't want to be a total loner and become self absorbed and bitter, but yet I like to keep myself somewhat distant from people.
I think you have been able to make something good out of your experiences. I can tell you are a lot more considerate and empathetic than the average person. Also, I think that being emotionally independent is a good thing ( I wish I were more that way ).
Well, sorry to be so long winded. That's my two cents, if you think it's worth that much. :)
Take care.

I feel the same way.