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Biggest Loser Ever

I don't really like to assume that people want to hear what I have to say, and I'm pretty sure I don't have it as bad as most of you but here it goes.


I feel like the biggest loser on the planet. I've pretty much been a loser all my life. When I was really little, I was smart and people liked me. Of course being smart and nice only gets you so far. I was also kind of fat, I wasn't really good at anything, and I liked things that were considered weird, so everywhere I went people made fun of me. I didn't ask for trouble, I never made fun of anyone or antagonized anyone. I was actually a pretty happy kid, but they made sure that didn't last. I barely had any friends and I was shy already, so eventually I just turned my back on the rest of the people at my school. I hated everyone, but at the same time I was afraid of them hurting me.

So all through Middle school I hid from people. I didn't talk to anyone. Hell, I couldn't talk to anyone. Even if I actually tried, this overwheming fear would wash over me. And all around me I saw people laughing and having fun. I thought "What the hell is this? They can spend several years making my life miserable and then have freinds and lives and I try to be a good person and get stuck feeling like ****?" I tried not to let it get to me though. I wouldn't feel ashamed of being myself. So through everything, the insults and the put downs and the "hilarious" prank where a girl made me think she liked me just to embarass me infront of our entire grade, I just held on to the thought that I was better than them because I was being true to myself. I wouldn't let them make me into something I wasn't.

In high school things really get bad. People have begun to completely ingnore me for the most part, but I still feel lonely. Any time I gahtered up my courage to try to reach out to people, nobody wanted to be friends with me. At this point I could barely order a pizza over the phone without feeling afraid, so trying to connect with people was a big step for me for me. Nothing worked. To make things even worse, three of the people who I actually believed cared about me died in three years. I stopped caring about anything. My grades dropped, the two friends that I did (and amazingly still do) have got fed up with my attitude, and I just fell into one of the worst depressions I've ever experienced.

One day, I met this girl. She was kind or nerdy like me and I actually felt comfortable around her. We got really close. Of couse, later I find out she has a boyfriend. Never intended to have feelings for her, it just kind of happened. Sooner or later I actually had something to believe in. I had put all of my faith in the belief that one day she would feel about me the same way I felt about her. I put everything I had left into that one singular belief. So for close to a year a comforted her when her boyfriend upset her and stomached how she would cry and talk about how much she loved him. I even went to her boyfriend and told him ways to be better because I just couldn't bear to see her sad. I wanted more than anything for her to be happy, but I wanted to be happy too. A couple months ago I realized that my failure was a foregone conclusion, and as I look back on my life I can't help but think "Has anthing I've done mattered?" Despite my beliefs I've held throughout my life I'm still sad, I'm still lonely, I hate myself no matter what I do and I can never seem to get a break. People all around me can get any girl they want to manipulate and mistreat and I can't capture the affections of a person I truly care about. Sometimes I think I was born to be miserable.
blargblah blargblah 18-21, M 6 Responses Jul 8, 2010

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Mr. blargblah,
I feel u. I am a young adult with a form of autism. And being different in this world has its ups, but the down side outweighs it all. Throughout my life, it has been very difficult for me to form any type of relationship. In the past, I had some friends, girlfriends; but that would all disappear in front of my eyes instantly. I have no friends, job, or anything that i can be proud of as of now. As a college student, my grades have been slippin-and-sliding due to depression and anger. Back in grade school, I would get belittled, teased or bullied for being different (as if i am a martian). In high school, it was the worst. I would get rejected from ladies left and right for school dances. I would have to learn how to box to defend myself (win or lose). In the end i felt self gratification, but so stupid for fighting, not to mention a bruised face here and there. Even today in college, some younger students would act like ******* 6th graders; women making fun of me and others for differences and men acting like fairy tale santas. One time, I was getting cussed at by some a-hole for not being good at baseball for p.e. in the end of class, I shoved the dude to the floor, then ran away because i almost got jumped. With this, I just lost interest in meeting other people. One of the reasons people need to bring down others is because they are bringing out their own insecurities they have within themselves. To me, that is just an embarrassment. Sadly, most of my family members either look down on me or don't want anything to do with me. The only ones who give a **** about me are my parents, siblings, tia Angie and grandparents. After they pass away, will I be alone for the rest of my life? will I get to share happiness with the lady of my dreams? who knows. Its so pathetic that people out there would go out of their way to make you feel a shame for who you are. From years of abuse, I mistakenly fell to vices (alcohol, weed) because the pain was too much to bear. In all reality, the only person you should first impress is yourself. Instead of putting down, manage yourself. Perform activities and hobbies that you enjoy, make you happy and give you that spark in your life. We all only live once! I may or may not be accepted by others; One thing for sure is that I will never fit in. I wish you better days ahead.

Thank you for sharing. It seems that you feel you have a lot to be afraid of. There is a saying that the more you dwell on something the more of that you get. This is how God made the world. You need to listen very carefully to what other people are saying on this blog. You need to go and find a way to make yourself happy. When you do find something that makes you happy, you will forget your problems for a short while---then you will find give others the room to get to know you. Also, count your blessings. If you have a family who loves you, then that is something. You have food to eat and clothes to wear. That is something too. An appreciative heart is an open heart. I am not saying that It is not hard. I have been there many many times throughout high school and in college and in graduate school and working. But I learned to love myself for ALL of what God made me to be and when I am making myself happy, other people want to be around me too. I even found someone who wanted to marry me and have children with me! I cannot tell you how amazing that seems to me, even after 10 years.

Please know that you will not always feel that way although it probably feels like it. A lot of us had these hard times and were eventually able to move beyond them. You just need to get creative about your own life, focus on what you like, don't take the world seriously... find ways to make yourself happy. Then you will start to attract others who will want to be around you.

I'm so sorry about everything, but just remember.... Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. You weren't born to be miserable....I can almost promise you that! (: Here's another quote for you haha (: LIfe's what you make it, So let's make it rock! Just kidding, but really, you CAN turn your life around. (:

I hear you my friend. I, too, was (is) the loser. High School? Darkest days of my life. Dating-"-Oh I have to wash my cat tonight, sorry!" Yeah, been there and seen it all. But I found out the only one who stuck with was myself and since then I have been on a journey of rediscovering me. I am different but that is OK becuase I'm not going to build my life around wether people like me or not. I am me with all my "flaws", don't like me? oh well, its your thing not mine. I, too, lost my very best friend two years ago but I found now I have to be able to be me and stand alone in both beliefs and actions--not easy but I am determined. I ask no one to be my friend, if you can accept me and want to be my friend I will gladly accept, but I don't make friends easily so you have to just bare with me--if I'm worth it to you. Finally with girls and BF's I can't tell you how many times that show played in my theatre, but its closed now, I'm redeveloping that area for me and most won't like what I have put in instead (Read my postings they'll tell you). It is genuine, it is me and that is all that matters. Like or dislike, I will go on.

i feel like that sometimes.