Biggest Loser EverI don't really like to assume that people want to hear what I have to say, and I'm pretty sure I don't have it as bad as most of you but here it goes.
I feel like the biggest loser on the planet. I've pretty much been a loser all my life. When I was really little, I was smart and people liked me. Of course being smart and nice only gets you so far. I was also kind of fat, I wasn't really good at anything, and I liked things that were considered weird, so everywhere I went people made fun of me. I didn't ask for trouble, I never made fun of anyone or antagonized anyone. I was actually a pretty happy kid, but they made sure that didn't last. I barely had any friends and I was shy already, so eventually I just turned my back on the rest of the people at my school. I hated everyone, but at the same time I was afraid of them hurting me.
So all through Middle school I hid from people. I didn't talk to anyone. Hell, I couldn't talk to anyone. Even if I actually tried, this overwheming fear would wash over me. And all around me I saw people laughing and having fun. I thought "What the hell is this? They can spend several years making my life miserable and then have freinds and lives and I try to be a good person and get stuck feeling like ****?" I tried not to let it get to me though. I wouldn't feel ashamed of being myself. So through everything, the insults and the put downs and the "hilarious" prank where a girl made me think she liked me just to embarass me infront of our entire grade, I just held on to the thought that I was better than them because I was being true to myself. I wouldn't let them make me into something I wasn't.
In high school things really get bad. People have begun to completely ingnore me for the most part, but I still feel lonely. Any time I gahtered up my courage to try to reach out to people, nobody wanted to be friends with me. At this point I could barely order a pizza over the phone without feeling afraid, so trying to connect with people was a big step for me for me. Nothing worked. To make things even worse, three of the people who I actually believed cared about me died in three years. I stopped caring about anything. My grades dropped, the two friends that I did (and amazingly still do) have got fed up with my attitude, and I just fell into one of the worst depressions I've ever experienced.
One day, I met this girl. She was kind or nerdy like me and I actually felt comfortable around her. We got really close. Of couse, later I find out she has a boyfriend. Never intended to have feelings for her, it just kind of happened. Sooner or later I actually had something to believe in. I had put all of my faith in the belief that one day she would feel about me the same way I felt about her. I put everything I had left into that one singular belief. So for close to a year a comforted her when her boyfriend upset her and stomached how she would cry and talk about how much she loved him. I even went to her boyfriend and told him ways to be better because I just couldn't bear to see her sad. I wanted more than anything for her to be happy, but I wanted to be happy too. A couple months ago I realized that my failure was a foregone conclusion, and as I look back on my life I can't help but think "Has anthing I've done mattered?" Despite my beliefs I've held throughout my life I'm still sad, I'm still lonely, I hate myself no matter what I do and I can never seem to get a break. People all around me can get any girl they want to manipulate and mistreat and I can't capture the affections of a person I truly care about. Sometimes I think I was born to be miserable.