As If Me And Elizabeth Bishop Are Just Bad At Scrabble

I've been mystified by the term "loser" for a while now. I mean, the way it's used just strikes me as strange upon reflection. It seems too casual somehow. If I'm to interpret it literally at all, I'm definitely a loser and have been for many years. For starters, my mom died of lung cancer when I was ten. That was kind of a major loss for me.

Four years later, my introduction to "sex" was non-consensual, and my ability to trust was lost. My entire adolescence was sprinkled with the deaths of equally troubled friends, all losses. I torment myself with these memories.

Now I'm twenty-four and a loser in every sense of the word. I'm living at home with an aging father who can be very cruel to me. I just moved back a couple weeks ago after dropping out of college for the second time after being hospitalized briefly due to suicidal ideations. I'm unemployed, carless and up to my eyeballs in debt. I have no idea what I'm doing with my life or even what I want to do anymore. I'm sleeping with my ex who used to physically abuse me because I can't stand being alone.

Basically, I'm pathetic. I'm a clinically depressed screw-up. Sometimes I find it difficult to concentrate. My weight fluctuates drastically. I've been an insomniac for the past decade, and I will likely never be capable of sleeping at night without the aid of generic drugs. I'm extremely awkward due to intense social anxiety that sometimes enters the realm of paranoia. I'm petrified of most human interaction and can barely socialize at all without being intoxicated. I'm wallowing in self-pity right now. I hate myself.

I feel hopeless.
moonscoops moonscoops
22-25, F
2 Responses May 14, 2012

But, like Bishop, you express yourself in writing. Remember, at the end of that villanelle, she forces herself to 'write it!'. Have courage. I wish you all the best.

I understand. I've felt the same way. I hope things turn around for you.