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Breaking Point

I've always been a loser but I've never realized it until a few years ago. Never was good with people, and until very late in life I thought the only way to make friends and please people was to do and be everything they wanted us to. I shaped my personality on that of those I wanted to be friends with. I wasn't myself. So I was bullied, beaten, mocked, taken advantage of and such.

Then there were the parental units. Work took them away a lot, and the little time we spent together was them saying constantly I behaved like a lunatic and if I didn't behave properly I was to be commited to an institution. What a great thing to say to a child, right? My whole family, though small, started to see me this way. I was the crazy one, the child that never said anything that made sense, the child who always had to be watched lest he break, stole or severely damaged anything. Well, movin' on...

Let's see...School: Check; Parents/Family: Check; Work - Check my other story "damned if you do..."; That leaves married life.

I don't have to tell you about my love life, use your imagination under these circumstances. I met my future wife and eight years later we got married. Best and fastest day of my entire life.  I later found out that  my marriage isn't a partnership, but a  domination. She's the dominating one, I'm the dominated one.

So at this point I really start thinking like that famous Demotivator poster with the picture of a sinking ship that says «It may be that your goal in life is to serve as a warning to others.». I looked around and realized that no one respected me, people saw me as a child of 5 in a 30 year-old body, the lunatic mad prankster who never took anything seriously and never did anything right. I had one last chance to prove myself to the world: to have children of my own, to make others around me see that I too could make something right, something beautiful. Then the Doctor told me I couldn't have children. I was sterile. No chance in Hell.

 

I tell you, I died. I really died, then and there. My body walks around here, but my soul died. Nothing else matters to me. Not people, not God, not life, not anything. I got to the breaking point. My only chance at redemption is lost. I will no longer try. At this point, there's no point in trying anything else. I don't live, I exist. No dreams, no goals, no objectives. Don't expect anything good, because something always comes to make me remember what kind of a thing I am.

I realized finally that my lot in life is to be a loser for as long as I'm here.

I'm sorry that I've written this much. I got carried away.

numisiro numisiro 36-40, M 20 Responses Jun 21, 2008

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i feel the same way! but my wife and kids keep me going. mybe u can addopt a kid. i try to be so nice and people down me. i try to do it right and it always goes wrong. i think about the end all the time. but i love my wife and kids and god to much

I am sorry to hear your struggles. I am so sorry you cannot have children. But please do not give up giving. There ARE children out there who need you. There are children out there who can learn from your mistakes. I know that it is easy for someone else to say anything positive but there are people in the world who believe in you. <br />
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********Sit down and write 10 things you are thankful for and 5 things you need to improve on-----everyday. The secret to abundance is thankfulness. If nothing else, remember what Thomas Edison said when trying to invent the lightbulb, I have not failed a thousand times, I have discovered 1000 ways not to do it. You are alive so you have the chance to learn from your mistakes and grow in knowledge and wisdom.

Read this, mostly people who don't know crap about your personel struggle. I have terrible depression, facial disfigurement, butt poked in high school, beaten beyond recognition, formaldihide dumped on me, pretty much every bad thing that could happen to a person happend. Then I hear this sunshine up my butt posts( oooh you could have a this or you could be this way or Blah Blah....People don't know what other people have been thru period...We all have a private Idaho... mine sucks period.And in the end, there is no amount of council, advice, sunshiny posts that will mqke me feel any better. How does a person live like that? A complete and unbearable struggle every day. Some times people are just destened to be that way. Makes prey for the others i guess.<br />
Keep your sunshine bs to your self and give someone some real advice. Brother get up and breathe every day. I am my best company and i know it. Good Luck.

Then he showed those men of will what will really was.<br />
<br />
<br />
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..You've got nothing to lose friend, let it implode around you. Let it all burn. Not happy with your marriage? Walk away, let her have everything. No kids so no child support, no binds. No friends? **** 'em.<br />
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You have the Power of Choice and no one, NO ONE can take that away from you. Even if they imprison you in a dungeon, shackle you to the wall, they cannot take away your ability to make choices.

you are right. no matter how hard one tries, the odds are stacked against you. you are not on of the lucky ones. the ones with directional support once young or the ability to have a fulfulling life as others. accept your lot of being a loser and any attemp to twart this will be nullified. life is what happens to you while you wait to die.

Someone else on this board recommended a book called Driven to Distraction. It is written by two psychatrists who have Attention Deficit Disorder. i bought it and find that it is an excellent book. It gives lots of examples and stories that I am sure many people from this board will recognize. The one thing that bothered me was that if you get tested for ADD it may not come out correctly because the test is done under conditions that can mask ADD.<br />
Definitely buy this book and I am sure you will see yourself in some of the storries.

So in other storries people have told you every thing,<br />
I just says its not yours fault, do not blame yours self and hurt yours self,Its all work of bad dist any/luck, nothing is wrong with you,<br />
I am too loser,in life as what ever do it all goes waist, business/job. educations, skill what ever step i start to establish me,go wrong, if buy some thing to sell prices goes down and loss,friendship do not lost long,<br />
I seen once wathed a movie, every which way but lost, watch this movie, this is about two friends and partners, what ever business they start the lose, at the end they bought a forest for timber,they stocked wood on the river side ,once flood came and all trees were gone all investment was in pet, nothing left, so they stated to dance,ohh we have no worries now :-)<br />
So believe me all is luck, take life as it comes to you, do not hurt yourself, all the best, go to hospital watch cancer ed people waiting for death, sure you feel there lucky, at least you got health, cheer up now my friend remember this is life,

Whenever you think all is lost and you have so much to be sad about, go to a home for brain injured people and see what its like to be fed by a spoon, pee yourself everyday, not be able to talk, feed yourself, see or talk. As long as you are able bodied, wake up and say, 'I can walk, talk, take care of myself and there is always a new day to change, to explore, to help someone who is less fortunate than you. Being sad and feeling down is ok if you are mourning but eventually you need to assess you life and see the good in it. No one can do what you are here to do. Everyone has something to contribute that is uniquely their own. Stop focusing on others and how they have what you want, just focus on you and go to the library and read and read and read from books that motivate, inspire and help you see who you really are. My son is in one of those facilities for brain injured people. So just because you have a child doesn't mean they will be perfect. Think about how ashamed you will be of yourself when you find on the other side that you wasted your life and could have been amazing and helped others. Grateful people are happy people and those who aren't ......aren't.

Why would you even want to have kids?

Wow, reading your life story & all the comments make me think I am not alone. If you can get through or manage your conflicts well, then I think I can do that too. I want to change my sad life to a better happy life, but I don't know what to do, how to begin, when is the right time, and I think the quest is too big I am not sure I can handle it... Thanks guys I do need a little encouragement... May us find what we want & get what we aim....<br />
P/s: I am not English native speaker, sorry for bad English

You need to sit down and write out some goals that you want to accomplish with your life before it's too late. Yes, the standard achievements may not be on the list (like having kids), but there are other talents and strengths you have (like awesome writing ability) that you need to focus on. You don't want to look back on this life and see an empty wasteland. THAT would be tragic. Start with small and easy goals that you can do, like learning a new skill. It will help you build confidence in yourself. Sometimes the best thing you can do to pull yourself out of a rut is to just keep living......it WILL get better tomorrow.

A man. I hear you. I was wondering about all that myself. Its slightly different for me, but all the same in the end. I am 33 and its getting lonelier and lonelier as I get older, I don't like people much and they don't like me - ever since I left my country at 17 its been all downhill. Acting like a clown - I tried that, it does not get you anywhere. Trying to be honest scares people away. There are some good things thought - its interesting to be in my own company, i like to think, I like science, I like to take hard courses and just wonder about stuff. I like being alive - even if it feels like I am the only person on the planet and I will never meet a woman with who it can be mutual. <br />
So, even though this sucks - I can tell you how I cope with this. 1) Traveling, gather up some money and go backpacking in hostels - there are a lot of different worlds out there, and they are very very different from the US - who knows you may find something that fits you. Even if you don't find a place you want to stay at the experienc can be healing. 2)The world is imperfect, broken, and trust me majority of people are pretty dum - so what they think may not matter after all. So, I started thinking of how could I fix it. I got myself into grad school into Artificial Intelligence because if anyone ever solve that we could really fix so many things that are wrong with us... biologically, psychologically, etc. I am busy with that and even though I am still not that good at it , I am working on some theories that make me wake up at night and write thoughts in amazement and hope. <br />
3) not having kids may be a good thing, you don't know how that would turn out... and whether it would give you what you hoped for. 4)Change - try new stuff, buy a small yacht(1000$) - that is a different world - see what happens. Or do something else you can think of - just try. It does not work for me so far, but it did for some people I know. 5)At this point in history all die at the end so this **** of an existence may not last - if that is a consolation:) :(. (Even though I am working on it, and I I succeed at merging AI and molecular cell biology this may change:)<br />
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And the last thing - I got to say hearing this from you makes me like you. There is a degree of depth that this unhappiness gives you that few will understand - it makes all who went through it special. I wish there was anything we could do to fix imperfections within us and the world around us. Its not your fault - the design is just messed up.<br />
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Also you should post here your ways of coping with this - that would be useful for the rest of us...

wawo ,so great writing,we need to be as much busy ,no time to think about us, we exists or not, i advice meditation is too a good method, its washes our all negative thought and we come to having positive energy?thought.
yes true as our friends sad if you had child he could have some drawback,so it would e more suffering for you, Any way keep a strong faith In God, he do the best for us. he know what is good for us, any way life is short time goes on , no matter we happy or not and at the end all enjoy the death,when we came had nothing, when we leave this word, noting goes with us only good deed, karma etc, life here is just a trial period of karma, reward shall be there, came out of yours shell,if you count still you got so many blessing, do not let mint to posses you its all game of mind, i know many people they got nothing ut still sings a happy song, and enjoy life:-)

I am just throwing this out there.... but maybe you could help others. I mean, I am 17 and I relate to the first two paragraphs a lot. I wish I had someone to talk to who understands me when I make no sense. Whenever I find someone like that, they always find a way to kill a part of me. I know a bunch of whining brats doesn't sound like a fun thing to become the sheperd of... but if you were a counselor or something, you could do a lot of good for some people. That might be what your life is about. There are a lot worse things in the world that being meant to help others. God bless.

Sorry you feel that way. I'm not into positive thinking as I spent years investigating the BS, so the best I can offer is sympathy.

I feel just like this guy does. The only thing that stops me from killing myself is knowing that it will take a terribe toll on three of my kids. Especially my six year old son. The pain, and guilt will never go away.

GwennaJane knows what she's talking about.

I just read your post and I feel EXACTLY the same way. I'm done. When I venture out, I feel like a turtle that's stuck it's head out of its' shell only to be stepped on. It never fails. The only relief I've found is to comfort myself in the security of my home and to stay away from people. I don't understand others, I'm confused by others, I'm hurt by others. Solitude is my answer. I am so sorry you feel this way and I wish I could help. However, you've helped me in knowing someone else out there is feeling the same way...I don't feel so alone. Thanks for posting, I appreciate it.

Why are you so concerned what people think of you? It seems to me the person you need to live up to is yourself. You can't please all the people all of the time, it's just not possible. I think you're coming from such a negative place that you don't know how to move forward. Having children to prove you're a good person, is a bad idea. Having children is a giant responsibility and they should be raised in a LOVING environment, no one of domination and mistrust. <br />
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I think you need to have a mentor, to help you find your way. I read this great story the other day, maybe you'd understand what I'm talking about. Let me know okay? The story is by HappySailor:<br />
<a href="http://www.experienceproject.com/uw.php?e..." target="ep_blank">http://www.experienceproject.com/uw.php?e...</a> . It's inspirational.

Numisiro .... listen to me. You are grieving the loss of children you will never father. Ouch... that must be tough... but grieve away. It's natural for you to feel this way. But....<br />
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Yes, I said "but".... when the grieving is over how about trying a new perspective:...... like this:<br />
<br />
You can still be a father. You could adopt. I know, I know... but listen to me.... there are so many lonely, hurting children out there.... Maybe.... just maybe... because you have insights into being different than mainstream.... maybe you aren't meant to have the mainstream family .... maybe you are meant to give your love to one of these children .... maybe only you can understand one of them in the way they need to be understood. Think about it. There could be a little Numisoro kid out there... lonely, misunderstood .... sensitive, covering with humor the hurt in his/her heart ... maybe they are waiting for you to come along and take them home.<br />
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Now, about the wife ..... don't .... I repeat DON'T stay for the wrong reasons. .... and there is only one right reason to stay .... You love her and can't live without her .... which it doesn't sound like is the case to me.... Take it from someone who is the master at staying in and trying to make work hopeless relationships .... DON'T DO IT! Get out and start over. <br />
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Hang in there.

You can change what is not working in your life. I know it is easy for someone else to say, but all it takes is a little step in the right direction. I am sorry you are hurting and thanks for sharing with us, you will find support here.