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I Cry Myself To Sleep..

Thinking about my childhood, or the lack of having one, makes me cry sometimes. Where I'm at in my life right now is not where i thought I'd be. And if my 5 year old self could see my 25 year old self now, what would she be thinking? She'd probably think I was a loser, and you know what?..she'd be right.

When I lie in bed trying to sleep, my mind begins to fill with thoughts of my past and every single feeling of pain and sadness I ever had, starts creeping back. Being sexually preyed upon as a child completely took me away from being an innocent adolescent. I never got to fully bask in the playfulness that is of being a kid. Late at night when I'm all alone, I begin to replay key moments in my life; my father coming home drunk and beating my mom, the cops coming to arrest him, my parents divorcing, then I was molested regularly by my uncle, and then not knowing how to express myself because I was only about 4 or 5 years old. I was also molested by my brother when i was 8. I've kept this secret for so long now that ive begun to realize it's eating me alive.

These secrets have been rotting inside me. It is probably the reason why I've been hopping from one new addiction to the next. First it was consistently getting high and drunk in high school. Then i started doing meth my senior year. Next moving on to ecstasy and oxy for these past few years. All the while being overtly sexually promiscuous with every John, ****, and Harry. Every day I feel worthless and I can't help myself.

I still live with my mom, but shes too blind or careless to even notice how miserable I am. All day, every day, she tells me to go to college. She thinks going to school will help me not be a loser or something. Education can't make this, morbidly suffering pain I feel inside me, go away. Besides, even if i did go to school, what would I major in?..sex 101? Because thats all I seem to be good at anyway.

Every time I try to find a job, or fill out an application, I never get called back for an interview, which causes me to get more discouraged about any possible prospects in life. I start to think, maybe it's because I'm too fat, or maybe it's the scars on my face, or maybe they just know by looking at me, that I'm a complete and total loser? Who wants to hire a loser to work for them?..nobody.

What makes all of this even worse, is that I can't change it. All i do is lie here at night bitching, crying, and complaining to myself about how worthless I am but I'm not doing anything about it! And so I guess this endless cycle of self loathing, self doubt, and self harm will forever devour my body, mind, and soul.
xoxodoll xoxodoll 26-30, F 2 Responses Jan 5, 2013

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nothing worse than robbing a person from his innocence and childhood.
a child is sacred and should be protected always.

It makes me sad that you had to suffer so much pain and humiliation in your life. What more can I say? My life was very different than yours - I am male and much older than you - but the feelings of worthlessness I can relate to. I too suffer from depression and low self esteem. I wish there were easy answers ... but there are none.