Public Loser #1

I am such a loser! Maybe that is why I have always struggled with self-esteem and felt inadequate, especially around women. Over the years, I have been able to get dozens of women of all ages and types to smash cream pies in my face! Some of them occurred in public. I felt that I deserved to get a pie in my face and at least it was a way to get attention. The women also loved doing it! Some of the pies also raised money for charity, which is a good thing. These were real cream pies too. (My favorite is chocolate mousse) Or, they were frosting pies. (a pie crust filled with gooey frosting) A woman has smashed a pie in my face in a bakery, cafeteria, restaurant, supermarket, office, bar, bowling alley, coffee shop and at a picnic. When a woman smashes a pie in my face then stands there and laughes at me, I feel worthless and humiliated. I also feel justified in how I think of myself - a big loser! If it happens in public, I listen to how people react. Do they laugh? Do they feel sorry for me? Do they mock me? If I can see, I look at their expressions. What does it say about me that I am willing to allow a woman to smash a pie in my face - even in public?! I'll tell you what it says to me. I am such a LOSER!!!
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1 Response Jan 11, 2013

I enjoyed reading your story, and in many ways I can relate to what you are saying. I feel I understand where you are coming from.

You are a good person, and deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. I want to sound supportive, so please don't misinterpret what I'm going to say. I'm not a psychologist so I am not qualified to analyze or judge you ... so let me just share aspects of my life and why I think we both have similarities.

It's not easy for me to admit this, but the fact is not only do I suffer from depression and very low self esteem, but I am a masochist on top of that! You desire to be humiliated, and I think that is a form of masochism too. In my case, I don't want a cream pie pushed in my face, I want to to be pushed to ground and kicked, stomped on, beaten up, and injured. I want to be hurt ... badly. So what you crave is kind of cute, a little funny even. I think you are just asking for some attention, but with a little dose of humiliation thrown in. I have full blown masochism and I want to be punished.

What does being a loser have to do with wanting to be humiliated? I don't know! As I said, in my case, I want to be beaten up, especially hit violently, kicked, injured, bloodied, hurt. I want to be punished. Why? Maybe because I'm a complete failure in life? No one cares about me, and no one ever loved me? Because I'm ugly and out of shape, stupid, awkward, unlovable, pathetic, untalented, contemptible, pitiful??? I am coming to realize I deserve nothing but disrespect and persecution. The bottom line is that I feel I'm
nothing but a worthless piece of s-h-i-t. So to me, it makes perfect sense that I deserve to have ridicule and pain inflicted on me.

We are different people and I'm not saying you have the same motivations and challenges I have. I shared this with you only because it might help you understand your situation a little better.

Good luck!