I Want Me Back

All the way through my younger years i was very confident some would say too confident but it was truly genuine because i never really felt insecure physically or mentally. I think this was because i was always doing something and my mind was occupied, i was just enthusiastic and strived to be the best at everything i did and if i could'nt manage the best it just made me more determined but in a healthy way and more often than not it paid off. My mother used to always tell me that i was fantastic and beautiful and that i could do anything i put my mind too. I was used to being the center of attention. I went to theatre school at 14, excelled there and was doing solo singing performances in the palace, London Palladium and lots of others. However that went wrong when i coud'nt afford the fees anymore so they let me stay on for free but the other students found out and they were just waiting for a chance to knock me down. Imagine, they had been going to this school probably since they were three and the 18 - 21 year olds were losing out on auditions to a 14 yr old.  Nobody would speak to me, they accused me of sleeping with the teacher and in the end i left. I think that effected me badly because i truly adore music and have found it to be my saviour when i have been really bad. Without it i believe i would'nt be here right now!

At 16 i fell madly in love with the wrong guy. He did ecstacy, his mother did ecstacy and so did his sister. For the first 6 months i did'nt touch the stuff but after a while of them telling me it was ok and how amazing it made you feel i was curious. They seemed in control and really happy when they were on it so i gave in to the pressure. Big mistake! i soon was taking it every day and at least 7 on the weekend for 2 years, all because i had shifted my focus to this guy and anything i set my mind on i got addicted too.

This soon spiralled out of control i lost my job, i was also drinking heavily and i went down to 6 1/2 stone. I became paranoid, felt worthless and could'nt motivate myself to do anything except abuse my body with drugs, even though i could see the effects and that there was a possibility i would die if i carried on.

The thing that turned me round was my mother, she found me in a dos house. I will never forget that day! there was a knock on the bedroom door from someone else in the house followed by "i think your mother is at the door". I was'nt really reacting the way i should. I thought she will shout at me, tell me that i'm wasting my life and that i was selfish ect... so i ran down the stairs opened the door and my mother just looked at me with the greatest sadness i think i have ever seen in someones eyes and tears just fell down her cheeks. She had given up on me, it hurt her to see me like that. it hurt me to see my mother that was so proud of me lose hope for me.

All she said was here is your bus fare home, if your not back by tomorrow ill know that you have chosen to give up on yourself and your life. Seeing my mother like that was enough to make me want to do it for her even if i could'nt do it for myself. The next day i finished my relationship, went home, threw my phone away, disowned everyone i knew and just sat in the living room literally for 6 months asking for me back.

I had completely messed up the chemicals in my brain basically dipleating all my seritonin. I felt like i wanted to die, i felt like a shell that was paralised with a mind working overtime and driving me insane.

I'm 24 now and have clinical depression, I've been in istatutes, I fell like i am fighting a losing battle everyday but i manage to keep going for other people that care and try to think of the positive people in the world that are worse off than me but still find a reason to keep going.

I think i need to get that all off my chest, i could keep going but my back is hurting now.

thanks for reading x

doovers doovers
22-25, F
3 Responses Aug 10, 2007

you are so strong and i just read your story thinking so you walked out on the dark side of your life ... You must know that there is a bright side too and something worth fighting for? Keep going cos theres good things coming to you if you hang on, i understand that patience doesn't come easy to us lost souls either because it can be a very lonely place in the world when the majority of souls just dont have a good heart... Take care x X

You have already made great strides to get YOU back. And you are not alone in your quest.

I am glad to know that you caught that bus home :) <br />
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And that brilliant, bright young girl you once were - I don't think she's lost to you completely. Maybe that part of you is just waiting until it's safe to come out again. <br />
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Good luck. :)