Lost In Love Addiction.

As I am in my late twenties, nearing 30, I look back at my life. All I know and have known is this need to be loved and accepted. Endlessly searching for the person who will end my pain, my loneliness.. put worth in me. For a hand that won't let go, for eyes that won't betray, for words that won't lie, for a heart that is forever mine. Yearning for the one I've wished and dreamed of for so long. Living in my dreams and hopes until he walks out my dreams and into my life.

Every time I thought I had love, it would elude me. Like sand slipping through my hands and the harder I clinched on the more fleeting it became. I'd fall apart with the love they promised never would. Leaving me more shattered then I already was. Feeling rage, sorrow, loneliness, emptiness, pain, desperation for my one and only to return.. my only salvation. Depression setting in from another confirmation of my unworthiness of love and further destruction of my self through cutting, contemplating suicide, and a deep self hate for ever entertaining the idea then anyone could ever love someone as pathetic and useless as me. So, I'd crumble out of my dreams and hopes into a world of reality where I can not take the pain, the agony of my life. The destitution is more then I can bare. I walk around like a zombie waiting for "the one" to strike me alive again, quick, strong and fast like a bolt of lighting. Bringing me back to life.

When I fall its hard and deeply. I am totally consumed by them. I wait and wait every day of every moment to be with them. I hate being without them and when I am I think about them all the time, when I dream they fill my dreams. Nonstop I am consumed by them physically, emotional, mental and spiritually. It's them and nothing else. There's nothing I won't give up except them and their love towards me. All else I will sacrifice happily and willingly just for them.. to have them. No price is to high to pay for unconditional love and acceptance. Nothing! I chase it, I want it, I need it, I'd die for it. Without it I fail to exist, I fail to matter. I disappear with their goodbyes. I fade away without their embrace. I'm hanging on by a thread to have them next to me. Until they return and I can finally breathe.

To see that my view of love is an addiction, it scares me. It's all I've had in my life. Since I was a little girl it's all I can remember. With all the uncertainty in my life it was the one feeling i thought I was sure of. I have no idea how to even live any other way. I can't see my life without this love I've dreamed of for so long. The comfort it provided in a childhood void of comfort and love. I accepted as a child I was not loved but as an adult I wasn't going to accept that same choice. I was going to be loved. It was going to happen. It was going to be okay.

The last relationship I was in just ended for me not to long ago. Almost 10 year relationship , come to find out my ex is a sex addict. He left me so many times and I always blamed myself and he would sell me self blame knowing i'd so willing buy it. Even at the end knowing he had a sex addiction I stayed. I couldn't see life without him. I couldn't let the illusion I so willing bought and created from his lies and my vulnerability die. It was so hard to face.. I'd vomit and have huge anxity attacks. The prospect of losing him and what i thought we had was like a torture I could never imagine. I'd take anything then face a life without him. At the end he walked out, saying the most horribly ugly things to me. I stopped fighting and just took it. That week I booked a flight and left our home. I got the message. He doesn't love me. I get it...finally.

So, here I am. Searching for someone else to fill this hole inside me once again. I know I need time to heal to fix and heal my issues. But I fall back into needing someone.. my one. To deal with this pain and obsession. It's sad but it is my life. I hope one day I won't feel this way anymore. That I can have a smile from myself and for who I am and not for someone else or because anyone else.
OoiTsumi OoiTsumi
31-35, F
5 Responses Jun 21, 2011

Thank you for sharing, I can relate to this way too much and want you to know you are not alone. I know it feels like its not too much to ask for to have the person you love always love you back forever no matter what.. but to most "normal" people it is. And it really hurts to think about.

i feel exactly as you do.... feel like I'm an outcast among society yet here I wander.... feeling life escape me day by day... love struck and already harmed by someone I loved... yet life is simple and I'm moving along... super successful but I'm not happy... feel as though I want more... wanting more is my undoing..but I can't help but be satisfied... love is my craving... unconditional love escapes most of us.... and I need that kind of love... I always want more...

I have also felt at times like you do. It is extremely difficult to be alone when you are a love addict but the truth is that we will never find someone to fill that hole inside us because we need to fill it ourselves with self-worth so we can be a whole person and be able to attract other whole people. I am working on this myself and it takes time and is not an easy thing to do.

I can say for one, that i also have been there, but i made the mistake of acting on my deep self hate and thoughts of suicide... i didnt find success in it however, as im clearly typing.. but i tried everything to make the pain go away, cutting, hanging, drowning, overdose, even jumping from great heights.. stepping out in front of cars.. just anything i could think of that would end it. But even though i have done irrepairable damage to my body through all this, ive learned one thing... im meant to be here, and someone out there can love me for WHO i am, and that i have a purpose in life.. i may not fully understand what that is.. but i know i have one.. as do you.. i understand the longing for love and being treat like **** by love interests who dont appreciate what i have to offer.. but dont make the mistakes i did by acting on those ark thoughts.. your better than that, and someone will come along one day and sweep you off your feet. You need to start living for yourself rather than for someone else.. easier said than done i know.. but if you stop looking for mr right.. he'll find you :)

Your honesty is so exquisitely painful. I wish you great hope in your journey.

my honesty is my downfall... but im not afraid of my past, or the mistakes ive made... ive learned to accept them as part of me and who i have become... without all the pain and suffering ive been through, i wouldnt have the love and compassion i feel now.. :0

You write so truthfully about something I am all too familiar with. The longing for The One. I have found him in the form of some very bad men... because they know us. It is as though we hang out a sign. They see our vulnerability and hunt us like a lion picking off the weakest gazelle in the herd. <br />
I have been on a path to recovery for a very long time and had a huge slip recently, but I am getting back on the horse. I am trying to stay away from my drug of choice... it is painful and hard but it can be done. There is a lot of help out there. If you are not in counceling you might consider it... and there are some great books. One is called Love Junkie and the other that I have not read yet, but it comes highly recommended called Obsessive Love. I wish you strength on your journey. As someone just said to me, each day is a new chapter.