Lost In Love Addiction.As I am in my late twenties, nearing 30, I look back at my life. All I know and have known is this need to be loved and accepted. Endlessly searching for the person who will end my pain, my loneliness.. put worth in me. For a hand that won't let go, for eyes that won't betray, for words that won't lie, for a heart that is forever mine. Yearning for the one I've wished and dreamed of for so long. Living in my dreams and hopes until he walks out my dreams and into my life.
Every time I thought I had love, it would elude me. Like sand slipping through my hands and the harder I clinched on the more fleeting it became. I'd fall apart with the love they promised never would. Leaving me more shattered then I already was. Feeling rage, sorrow, loneliness, emptiness, pain, desperation for my one and only to return.. my only salvation. Depression setting in from another confirmation of my unworthiness of love and further destruction of my self through cutting, contemplating suicide, and a deep self hate for ever entertaining the idea then anyone could ever love someone as pathetic and useless as me. So, I'd crumble out of my dreams and hopes into a world of reality where I can not take the pain, the agony of my life. The destitution is more then I can bare. I walk around like a zombie waiting for "the one" to strike me alive again, quick, strong and fast like a bolt of lighting. Bringing me back to life.
When I fall its hard and deeply. I am totally consumed by them. I wait and wait every day of every moment to be with them. I hate being without them and when I am I think about them all the time, when I dream they fill my dreams. Non
To see that my view of love is an addiction, it scares me. It's all I've had in my life. Since I was a little girl it's all I can remember. With all the uncertainty in my life it was the one feeling i thought I was sure of. I have no idea how to even live any other way. I can't see my life without this love I've dreamed of for so long. The comfort it provided in a childhood void of comfort and love. I accepted as a child I was not loved but as an adult I wasn't going to accept that same choice. I was going to be loved. It was going to happen. It was going to be okay.
The last relationship I was in just ended for me not to long ago. Almost 10 year relationship , come to find out my ex is a sex addict. He left me so many times and I always blamed myself and he would sell me self blame knowing i'd so willing buy it. Even at the end knowing he had a sex addiction I stayed. I couldn't see life without him. I couldn't let the illusion I so willing bought and created from his lies and my vulnerability die. It was so hard to face.. I'd vomit and have huge anxity attacks. The prospect of losing him and what i thought we had was like a torture I could never imagine. I'd take anything then face a life without him. At the end he walked out, saying the most horribly ugly things to me. I stopped fighting and just took it. That week I booked a flight and left our home. I got the message. He doesn't love me. I get it...finally.
So, here I am. Searching for someone else to fill this hole inside me once again. I know I need time to heal to fix and heal my issues. But I fall back into needing someone.. my one. To deal with this pain and obsession. It's sad but it is my life. I hope one day I won't feel this way anymore. That I can have a smile from myself and for who I am and not for someone else or because anyone else.
OoiTsumi 26-30, F 3 Responses 2 Jun 21, 2011