Origins And Catalyst Of My Love Addiction <3

The origins of my love addiction stem from my feelings of abandonment from my father. My parents are still married but growing up my father was always working long hours and when he would finally make it home he would take a shower and leave to drink with his friends for hours... leaving my mother, sister and I at home waiting for him to return. My mother did everything she could to make things perfect for when my father arrived and always wanted to please him. If he came home in a good mood we would get a surprise dinner and would enjoy ourselves, but if he was not in a good mood, he was usually so drunk we would have to pick him up and my mother had to help him get into bed without getting him too upset. Both were emotionally unavailable to me since my father's priorities were his working and friends and my mother was my father. I don't ever recall either of my parents telling me they loved me while I was growing up. Being five years older than my sister, it was my job to keep her entertained and out of trouble. Nothing was ever her fault because she was little and I would get in trouble for it. Here again I started feeling unimportant, unappreciated, and unloved. I began having problems with anxiety and depression at a very early age and would isolate myself most of the time. By junior high I already felt that I needed someone to love me. It was the summer of my 8th grade year and my boyfriend went away for the summer. When he returned he was very nice but would always want to borrow my expensive things and not return them. His brother was the one who told me that he had another girlfriend while he was away for the summer and I was able to make a clean break probably for the first time in my life. I was very insecure after this. My first love came the following year. I actively pursued him and succeeded in my first conquest or so I thought. I was very affectionate to him and maybe a little so much that he decided to break up with me after only a month of being together. I was only 14 years old and when he told me he no longer wanted to be with me I completely lost it and "ugly cried" in front of him for more than 30 minutes. I thought he would be the one and he would change his mind. I started calling him numerous times a day for a few weeks but he would not answer the phone (thank God there was no called ID back then). Then I met my high school sweet heart after realizing my first love and I would never be together again. It had been at least six months and he was funny, nice, popular, and a talker. I was not very attracted to him at the beginning but I wanted to be with someone. I was with him for the next 11 years. I was willing to make this work no matter what. He admitted to cheating on my once in high school and I accepted that. He was the first person I had sex with. He jointed the Air Force after graduation and I went away to college. Even though we were apart we were still together. By the end of my freshman year in college he called me to inform me that he had accidentally gotten someone pregnant and instead of ending the relationship we got married and I moved with him to where he was stationed. I attended the university there and by the end of the year I was also pregnant and he had gotten orders to go overseas. Our daughter was born in Tokyo and we were there for 3 years when his enlistment was over. We then moved back to my hometown. And I eventually helped him get into a career since I had completed my Bachelor's degree already and was working on my Master's degree. I wanted him to feel productive and thankful so he could love me forever... Then came the birth of our second daughter and things never recovered from there. He was able to take a very well paid job as a contractor in Iraq and after being there for only 6 months he asked me for a divorce and informed me that he had cheated on me with over 50 women during our 9 year marriage. I must admit I had suspicions and gut feelings something was not right many times but I never expected that. He did not want to work things out or talk about it and filed for divorce just like that. I was in pain for some time but I was living with my parents at the time and I did not want them to know and finally had to tell them 2 months later. By this time I was feeling very bad about myself and did not know if I was sexually adequate since my husband was the only person I had ever had sex with. So naturally I started looking at to see if I could figure this out.  And things did not get better after this..........
kenyalovesyou kenyalovesyou
36-40, F
3 Responses Nov 14, 2012

Love addiction is painful. All those childhood experience have set you up to accept abusive and neglectful experiences as normal -- it's in your wiring to see it as ok to be treated poorly. Just know that you aren't alone.

Are you venting or asking for advice ?

I am just telling my story which is unfinished...

Wow. I feel for you. I can't imagine made things any better just because we are love addicts. We cling. We smother people. Or maybe that is just me? I do not have the time to share my story but I can definitely relate. I'm really sorry that you went through so much.

Im sorry to hear that ,But Everything would get better ,,,,,Trust yourself ! Be strong