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I Make Myself Sick.

I don't know how to stop getting involved with men i have no business getting involved with, breaking people's hearts because i am too terrified to get too close...well let's see... i was married once for a few years, then left him for another guy, but he wasn't as great as I first thought so I left him for another....always for another, another, another...i have made a few guys cry...now, in a way they have asked to break up, I mean, they had major issues and weren't willing to work on the relationship etc...but i still made them cry. It makes me sick. What's wrong with me?

If someone likes me too much I panic and get the f--- out of there. Because only losers would like me. I lose interest immediately. I don't believe there are "normal" healthy stable men out there - or if there are, they will never want a nutball like me. I am so sorry. Why do I keep doing this??? Why?

How the hell does one stop being a love addict? I mean do I have to become a nun??
clouds4208 clouds4208 36-40, F 4 Responses Jan 26, 2013

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I am actually *jealous* of you. I wish I freaked out when getting too close to someone. I tried having an affair to move on to the next guy before breaking up my current marriage, but that didn't work out, lol. So i'm left feeling extremely lonely..

No, you do not have to become a nun... unless you actually always wanted to be a nun and suddenly hear the call, in which case, please feel free. There are reasons you do this and ways to stop - I wrote them all down in a book called LOVE ADDICT: SEX, ROMANCE AND OTHER DANGEROUS DRUGS (HCI Books, 2011). I have been where you've been. There is a way out. Good luck!

"Because only losers would like me." hmm... When I was thinking about dating again I found some advise, it said to spend as much time working on yourself to become the kind of person who your Ideal mate would want. Before seeking out your mate, be sure you are the kind of person who you feel is worthy of who/what you want. Then, when you find that person, you will not see anything wrong with them for loving you.

that makes a lot of sense, thanks!

I've been there....and YES.. I'm now practically a NUN...I haven't allowed a man near me in 6 years! I'm waiting for Mr (my idea of ) Perfect! I'm prepared for a long wait....as I'm damaged goods and it will take someone very special to put up with me.

but there is no mr perfect right?

Hence why I put in brackets (my idea of).....Mr Perfect...meaning what I think is perfect for me...which would be somebody that can just make me laugh and is always honest with me.

well they say there are many "soulmates", many people a person could be happy with...however i've always found living with someone is just so stressful and difficult that i really don't know if it's even possible...i mean one of my ex's refused to work so that was hell, one of them was a friggin miser, so that was hell...there are so many huge weirdo problems that can't seem to be overcome...god i am making my self depressed lol...and if i said he only has to be funny and honest that would be a lie because he needs to be this and he needs to be that....and i mean, i am far from perfect too!....i am sorry i am so negative....

Creepycollegeguy, is that your real pic? lol

thank god, it's creepy lol

maybe....

Again...that was me 6 years ago! I had the one that bashed me, cheated on me and was an alcoholic...albeit a good provider financially...i traded him for the one that was as tight as a fish's @$$hole..made me work pay the bills and mortgage while he played golf with his mates...then there was the Publican that slept with nearly every female patron...OMG - do I have some stories to tell too....but at the end of the day after being through so much I ask myself what do I really want from a man besides great sex of course....and my answer to myself was those two things - Just HONESTY and the ability to make me laugh! If he is HONEST with me he will tell me straight up whether he is a miser, a cheat, or a beater...because I will ask him and if he is truly honest I will know before I waste any-more time on him...and if he can make me laugh in a world as bleak as this - then he is going to make my life much more bearable. :)

maybe i am a free soul...that makes me feel guilty...like i'm born to be a cheatin' lyin' *****...lol..i feel bad talking about me lol

Well Classiic, no wonder you are avoiding relationships!! wow...but unfortunately most people aren't going to say, hi, i'm a wife beater! nice to meet you! but yes i agree those are 2 very important things.

and here's what i'm wondering, so tell me what you think, how do you know if it's an unhealthy relationship? because people are in those relationships with small annoyances, like i don't know, one of them is unemployed or kind of had an anger problem for example, how do you know if it's ok or if it's a bad one? Because no one is perfect, no relationship is perfect right?

Lol - yes he does...and if my wish comes true which is he is HONEST I can decide whether to stay or run like the wind. :)

I guess we when we find "true love"...or the closest thing to it... the small annoyances won't really bother us? But I don't class someone who refuses to get a job (having been with a bleeder like that) as a small annoyance - that for me is a HUGE one!

Just a thought...but wouldn't it be great if potential partners came with references or a relationship resume of sorts?...LOL...

yes it was a huge annoyance lol...the stupid jerk...he does tell you he's abusive? i thought people are all nice and then bam surprise i'm an ax murderer

well what if i get angry? then i should be dumped, right?

yes it is called Plenty of Fish and they all lie :)

here Classiic, what do you think? "In general, abandonment wounds [in childhood] lead to obsessing, and ****** [or ******-like] wounds lead to avoidant behavior. The Ambivalent Love Addict usually has both wounds"...do you think you might be a love addict as well?

sorry the **** was inc**t

oops i don't mean to imply you have ****** wounds...i will shut up now...

well i have been working on anger stuff for a long time too, and it is better...i just find it hard to know where people would draw the line...but maybe it depends on the person too...luckily you never get angry and you live in peace and quiet in a lovely apartment.. :)

night and thanks

Clouds4208 - you are spot on regarding the abandonment wounds...that's another long story (I was sexually assaulted for 3 years from ages 12 - 15 years old. I guess that made me very sexually promiscuous for a while until I settled down...It sort of left me with a need to seek LOVE & APPROVAL ...the approval part very much so. I suppose I needed to prove to myself that I was worthy..a worthwhile person and that I wasn't just damaged goods...in my own words. I guess you could call me a love addict but it's not really love alone that I craved - it was/is trust, honesty and approval. Oh so confusing, does my head in just thinking about it...but I found total control over myself in celibacy...and the irony is; ever since saying NO, no, no, no, no I'm celibate...I have never had so many men interested in me as now...Life is ironic if nothing else.

Jesus that is horrible!...I am so sorry to hear that Classiic....well love addicts often seek approval, attention, that sort of high of finding some one new...and then tend to panic or lose interest when things get too serious, due to intimacy issues ...well i could be celibate, was for 6 months, but i still get more involved than i want, emotionally. It's like i have to wear a sign that says STAY AWAY FOR YOUR OWN GOOD

Thank you, but I am getting over a lot of the hell I have endured in the past...and slowly but surely becoming much stronger. The fact that you are aware of what you do is a good thing clouds4208...because once you know where you are going wrong you can begin (baby steps) to change it. It also shows you are a good person with empathy for the ones you seem to push away/hurt....It seems to me like "self preservation"....how you push people away before you yourself get too involved. You are just protecting yourself from being hurt or let down. I have found the first few months to year of a new relationship the most fun & exciting YES..but I always think the other person is being fake or too nice (I have trust issues) and have an ulterior motive up their sleeve so I am extremely observant of their actions...because actions speak louder than words of course.

yes actions do speak louder than words....but it's so confusing because I believe words too...it just boggles my mind that someone could say one thing and do another, i don't know why....

I don't know why either...my guess it is because they are either confused themselves or insincere...that is precisely why I always watch their actions more than I listen to their words. If their words back-up their actions...then I believe them, but only then.

Good idea, i'm gonna try that too! :)

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