I Don'T Think It'S A Bad Thing... It'S Not Really Good EitherSometimes they say your strengths are your weaknesses. My love for other people has been a reason for living. Recently a friend told me she thinks I love everyone, and I laughed, and said it's true. It's not cheesy, it's like my spirit recognizes most pairs of eyes like my own. This helps me.
When I was in dangerous relationships part of me knew that I valued spirit, connection and relationships sometimes more than myself. My body, living, it's a little selfish (also, not a bad thing). When I dated a man who asked me to kill him, who threatened to kill me, it was powerful and frightening, and I don't know if I've really recovered.
I realize in my latest relationship, getting over the last one still that I am not completely healed from... everyone. My first experience being cheated on, cheating, dealing with threats or feelings of suicide, jealousy, passion, rage and compulsion root back over a decade since I hit puberty.
They say love is a state of mind akin to insanity, parts of the brain light up in an EEG that really just aren't normal. For half of my life, maybe more, I live in this state, with only a few months--year at most-- in between.
Sometimes I think its sweet. Even when a relationship is ending, no matter how difficult it was or is I still think of things in terms of love. I always love the people I've been close to forever, even if we do not speak, even if I don't know how or where they are in the world now, I bless them with love, and hope for the best for them.
Perhaps I mourn the losses sometimes too. I'm crying as I write this, so I know there is a sadness.
I've just begun a new relationship, and feel hopeful about it. I don't feel the fluttery passion and magnetic pull I have in the past that often signified obsession, but I know I'm at risk. I feel relaxed with this person and have taken things far slower than my normal pattern, and I trust him, my hope is to trust myself to have as full a relationship with myself as I would with him, or with any other relationship in this world. Perhaps myself is first, and being in relationship with myself is the best way to ensure being good to others.