My Name Is Xxvenusdreamerxx and I Am a Love Addict

So I met this guy on myspace...great way to start, none the less I did. Responsible,careing,intelligent,most ambitious person I have ever met.We dated for a year and half which would make that the longest relationship I have ever been in. He taught me who I really am. He was there for me when no one else ever was. He took care of me. He showed me the love that my parents never did.Let me give you a description of my childhood.

I am an only child. My father is an alcoholic. My mom wanted to be my friends more then my mom. My grandmother(mom's mother) raised me for the first four years of my life because my mom couldnt handle me as a baby and did alot of drugs and my father wanted nothing to do with me at the time. Growing up my father never wanted to pay child support because he felt my mom would spend it on her and I went to 20 different schools because my mom wouldnt pay the rent. Some parts of my life I was handed off to my family because my mom would rather party then raise me.My father for some parts of my life wasnt there because some times me and my mom were living in homless shelters and he couldnt contact me...other parts...well I dont know why exactly.Both of my parents never taught me how to be responsible because they werent themselves.In junior high school I had to do counceling sessions every day because the kids would pick on me for being unclean and wearing dirty clothes to school and I felt very alone.over the years me and my mom have become best friends and my father cares only about himself and he angers me at the sight of him.When I turned 18 I just I was always dateing someone.I was never single. I was in love with the concept of love,but never truley experienced it.

Ive been told that I try to fill a void inside through people I have dated in the past because I was never shown love to the fullest.I have always had the mind set that if you prepair yourself before failure then it wont hurt as much.Ive always looked at myself as a failure. With this guy I dated he told me that failure isnt an option and to never worry when things end because if you dont think about "the end" then "the end" will never come. We always used words like "when this happens" not "If this happens" For the first few weeks that we slept next to each other and held each other I cried and he would hold me because I truley thought I was living a dream. I always told myself growing up that I wanted to be a specific way and that, that is when I will be ready to settle down. I became that person with him. I used to look at him and think "I cant believe this is the person I am ment to be with". I had never been so optimistic about anyone with no doubts. He showed me just about everything I ever wanted in life. He was never unfaithful and he did everything he ever said he was going to do. Over time We became comefortable with one another.The spark had gone away. He became a very angry person due to my lack of ambitions and dreams and I became lazy and took him for granted and couldn't deal with his mood swings( he was bi polar). He had changed and I had changed.We held on to something that wasnt there for 6 months. We kept useing phrases like "when this happens it will get better" but that when never came. So I ended it and a week later he was dateing a new girl and is now living with her a month later and thinks she is the one. I was left with no job(long story), no cell phone, and no where to live but my dads. All my fears were awoken but on a worse note then what I had expected. I never looked at failure untill the day I ended our relationship. I used to be the type of person that would have jumped into another relationship by now but some how something is different. I am trying to get counceling but figured maybe this could help me out first....Ive though things recently that I havnt in my entire life....what should I do?

xxvenusdreamerxx xxvenusdreamerxx
22-25, F
2 Responses Oct 3, 2009

Im going thru the same thing, you left cause you knew something wasnt right, and I learned you can not be someones everything, and especially with someone that has a disorder they are never happy, and since you felt you needed love he became everything you wanted in a person, you fell in love with an illusion I know its hard to accept, but sooner or later his true colors was going to show, you have to know you didnt do anything wrong. but us being love junkies we tend to attract toxic people and hold on for the fear of abandonment especially in my case. but read up on bi polar you would understand a whole lot more, but also stay on this site for support.

I have nothing to say but I wish you all the best.