Did'nt Know I Did'nt Know

I am a love addict.I did'nt know this is what I am until recently.I have been working on the co-dependency side of me for A LONG time.I recently discovered I am a "LOVE ADDICT".It hurts.I believe because I come from a broken home & had little to no supervision from a young age(11yrs.) it allowed for the situations that led to my multiple rapes.I dated guys MUCH older than me & think if my mom would have had any self-esteem or sanity back then,she would never have allowed it.She did'nt,so it happened.Looking back now, I have spent my life either in an unhealthy relationship or a fixated attatchment to someone who had no interest in me(unless for sex)I am finding it VERY hard to deal with the FACT that I cannot trust myself or my feelings when it comes to a relationship.I used to go from one to another or cheat.Now that I'm older I don't cheat EVER but either abstain totally or FALL very quickly & stay way to long or have a painful time letting go,even if it was a few weeks or months.I think underneath the desperate want to be "LOVED" I am terrified of true intimacy.All I DO KNOW is it is hard,it hurts,it's confusing,humiliating & a very lonely place to be.What I fear most is that I am to damaged to ever be at a place where I can have a truly loving,healthy relationship.Since I'm here & telling my story I assume I must still have hope!!!

ladycroft39 ladycroft39
36-40, F
5 Responses Nov 25, 2009

you will recover because all that happened not only because of you alone. But the moment you are aware of the fact, work fiercely to come out and lead a healthy life.
Spirituality and meditation are the permanent source of peace so try to stick to them.
If you want it more specifically try Isha Yoga from India and start doing 'Technologies
for well being' the meditation technique available online. Try and see its tremendous effects.

I am a sex addict and I think love addict as well. I've been going to Sex Addicts Anonymous/ Sexaholics Anonymous on and off for years but havent had much success with it. Having said that I still believe it works if a person wants it bad enough. There is another program called SLAA - Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. Finding a SLAA meeting in your area may help.<br />
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Good luck.

I relate. Not being able to trust my own feelings. It being an issue of healthy intimacy overall. Thank you ladies. Originally I posted a different comment to this story but since it ended up being my whole story I deleted it from this thread and just added it to the group seperately. But your stories were the original inspiration. How are you doing lately anyway?

I can relate to your abstaining or staying to long when I should go. Its true love addiction. I was married for 20yrs to a man who became an alcoholic and the last yrs abusive and yet I stayed. I joined Alanon 6yrs ago and nearly four years ago i said enough is enough. Today however I am terified of getting involved and when I like someone and attraction is mutual I withdraw. When someone shows me attraction I panic and get all school girly I call it. I am desparately trying to keep it so I can have a conversation with them but fear gets in the way .I joined Slaa in feb and really started working on this and am really feeling better. When I first left my partner I had no idea I was a love addict or that I am co-dependent. I reconise that the fear is in the fact that I dont know what they are like and im worried that I wont be able to trust myself or feelings like you mentioned.. However I am sure the work im doing with love addiction makes me aware of my stuff, which I wasnt once .Thats got to be progress.

U're just 39, not very old....