Feel Like I Am Crazy

Until recently i have never heard of a Love Addict except in a Robert Palmer song. But now i know i am one. I grew up with a mother who drank too much and belittled me. More than once i lie in bed hearing her tell her friends how horrible i was and how she wished she never had me..I was 6. In highschool i had crushes, intense crushes but never a boyfriend. In college i had no steady boyfriend but rather slept with anyone who would have me always hoping a relationship woudl develop- It never did. I marreid my first husband at 30 because he convinced me if he didnt take me no one else would want me. That was not true. I had several hook ups and finally met a wonderful man at work who was handsome and kind. I left my husband for him and never looked back. I had no feelings of sorrow or sadness for him at all as he cried and begged me  to stay. My relationship with  my second husband( the man i left the first for) was obsessive on my end. I wanted to be with him allof the time. We worked togetehr and did everythign toegther. I thought i was happy and he was a good man( who put up with my controlling nature and smothering ways). Eventually after about 10 years i felt bored and started to look atother men. I never cheated but did have several crushes. ALmost the last crush was on an old high school crush who moved to my area adn was in a bad marraige. We emailed constantly until his wife found out and he told me he couldnt talk anymore. I was crushed-as if ihad been in love. Thats when i met The One. I was cruising myspace one day and saw the most beautiful amn id ever seen. I emailed him adn to my surprise he emailed me right back. WE texted and talked for a few weeks and finally met. WE started an affair that veru night and soon i felt love for him and he for me( or so he said). We decided to move in toegtehr and i left the my second husband in much the same way i left the first. However, the second husband was a kind and decnt man who was so good to me. He begged and begged for me to come home to him. I loved him but was in love with The One. Ahortly after moving in together The one lost his job and told me he was bipolar. WE fought constantly- i couldnt trust him and i made it my mission in life to help and rescue him. He hated my smotherin and controlling ways but he loved me - the best he could since he was incapable of true emotional intimacy since he was abused as a child and again he was bipolar. I lived with him nearly a year- all the time begging him to love me as i loved him and all the time with my husband(2nd) begging me to come home. I tried to go home. A month ago I got fed up with paying all the bills after the One had lost another job adn i caught him trying to hook up with a man on  line. I went home to husband but the feelings for The One were intense. The One didnt want me back, i texted over and over adn begged and begged for hinm to take me back, all the while knowing i was lucky that myhusband still wnated and loved me and that he is who i should be with. After one horrible night of The One cursing at me over text and sleeping with someon efrom his bipolar group- he became suicidal and called me to come and help him. I left my familyon thanksgiving and ran back to him to rescue him. I took him to thehospital and listened while he told me he loved me and he had made a huge mistake and wanted me back. After a few days in the hospitla- ( i visited becasue he told me i was the onlyone who cared for him) i packed up and went back to him.I told my husband i had to rid myself of my unfinished business and he let me go. NOw i am living with The One again adn i am stil lnot happy. I want to leave. I know i should leave but i am scared of the feelign sof despiration adn longing if i go. I need help. I am in therapy but i need somethign more to break this cycle- to learn to be happy with myself and to learn to be alone and develop a healthy relationshop. I jsut dont kn wo how to do it all-

ss47 ss47
46-50, F
Dec 4, 2009