I So Am...

.. and it's been a total disaster! I've spent 8 years of my adult life in a relationship! What a ******* mess I've made of my life with "love." Love? Is that really what it is. Here's the part that made me cry today, my most recent ex and I had been talking and planning to spend the weekend together. She used to be on EP but left. I remember a story she wrote about how she never got love letters. So, I found some turquoise, thick paper, spent forever trying to make lines on the page so I could write neatly and used a sparkly silver pen that I "borrowed" from work and wrote her, what I thought was a beautiful love letter. Then she was upset about something that I wrote on EP a while ago. (Whilst I didn't even know she could see.) So, I deleted it. Then she wanted to talk. So we talked and came down to rehashing the past. Which then led to an ending of all tries at friendship and everything. So, here I have this letter (or what was the letter) that I tore into a million tiny pieces on my desk. I can't throw it away yet. I don't k know why. It was going to be a Friday evening surprise. It was a turbulent, silent war relationship that i am not sure if either of us were ever even happy together beyond the first six months. I keep telling myself that. It comforts me to think that what is over was not much... At least until I'm stronger.

I had myself a little crush on another girl. I sent her emails, artwork, poetry, etc. She really seemed to enjoy it. Then I sent her naughty pics which she really loved. We talked on and off and it was fun and flirtatious. It was a lot of fun. I knew she was not relationship material. (She is an alcoholic and not the recovering kind.) But it was great and I enjoyed it! It made me feel good. i looked forward to her messages and compliments. Then, all of a sudden, she stops responding. I surprised myself at how quickly I got over it! It's kind of funny now. I guess, women like that serve their purpose for the time they serve it.

So love... "What have I now with thee?" It seems to be a pointless pursuit. This may be a huge mistake and I may live to regret it, but I am taking the easy way out here. I'm taking the woman that loves me, has money, and likes to travel. Best of all, she cannot hurt me. I do have a lot of fun with her. She forces me to be more adventurous which I like. So **** love. It's gotten me nowhere! Wish me luck! ;)

Aw8ingf8 Aw8ingf8
26-30, F
4 Responses Mar 15, 2010

Queen, she was getting too attached and I couldn't lead her on knowing in heart that I couldn't give her what she deserved... Thus, I set her free. :( I miss her.

haha at least you have prospects. After a relationship ends... I never can jump back into the game quickly... even if I'm the one who ends it. I am very slooooow at getting to know someone for relationship material. I wish I could just have fun with a woman... without getting attached. I fall to easily. The silent war relationship that you speak of.. is what I've been going though for a year... I can't seeing it getting any better.... Who knows the girl your usin' for the moment to fill the void of real love.. could turn out to be love.... or if not at least you'll get to travel... and if she treats you good, hey!

Thanks, hauntedgrrl! Hopefully it will go well!

Good luck, love ... I wish you all the best :)