I Am Sorry

Hi, I’m amberdextrous, and I am an addict.

At the end of last year an EP friend and I were discussing my former heroin habit, which I had kicked ten years previously, when she asked me what I thought were my chances of relapsing.

“Zero,” I told her, sincerely and honestly. I would never go there again.

But I was wrong. I am there, and have been for some months. And it is more than coincidence that while I have been there, I have not been here, on EP.(I have missed you guys.)

What changed? What made me take up again a habit that had already ruined large parts of my life? I could rationalise, and say that I already had an opiate addiction, having spent more than four years on strong painklillers that no longer worked; I could justify my self-indulgence by citing my incipient depression. But the simple fact is I began using heroin again because I could. I could afford to fund a habit out of a lump-sum workers compensation payment I received.

Thank the Stars I bought a few computers, some clothes and shoes, the longbow my son has long-coveted, and a car, and gave away a few thousand to some people who needed it. Because the rest of the money is gone. Up my arm.

My shame is intense. My sense of guilt closes my throat. No chance now of that cruise ship trip with James. All hope of a university fund gone. Back to the basic existence on a Disability Support Pension. I grieve at the egregious waste. I weep at my abysmal weakness.

Three days ago, as I drove past my dealer’s inner city house, I saw two identical late-model cars, each bristling with aerials, parked on the kerb across the road. And on his front porch, there were several armed police, in bullet-proof vests. Not good. No wonder he is not answering his phone.

As a consequence, I am in the third day of withdrawal. “Sick” as we junkies say. When it actually hurts to lift my fingers to type, and the intense kind of tickly-ache in every muscle sends skin-crawling shivers through my limbs. I keep hearing the lines from a Dave Van Ronk song:

The ache in their veins
whispers death to their bones

-which seem to sum it up.

Psychologically, there is a strong sense of doom: fear of an emptiness in my inner core that has hitherto been filled by heroin. This passes soon, I know, and it will be possible to feel more positive. It is just something I have to get through –as I have done so many times before.

An irony: Junkies writhe in the agonies of withdrawal for maybe a week, they go through hell. And then the hard part starts: the staying clean.

I wanted to post something totally honest and open here in part as an explanation for my absence in recent months, but mostly as an appeal for the support of EP friends. I have a few close friends in the real world who know the awful truth, and of course my darling Pollydoll, who knew before I told her. But the more the merrier, eh?

I know I need a lot of help.
amberdextrous amberdextrous
51-55, M
19 Responses Jul 29, 2010

hey dex, life is good. i think you have done an amazing job at conquering your addiction. you have proved to me that there is a lot we all need to learn about the uses and benefits of these powerful drugs that do have a place in the treatment of pain. your love of life and your committtmetnt to those youlove have inured you wih deep sense of responsibility to balance your needs with needs of ohers and yuou have my greatest admiration.

I know, It's easy for me to say, Let go, Let God! <br />
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but it's not so easy to do,...please, my friend....be strong and let the Lord take control....it won't be your plan, but He has a better plan! I promise!

I hope the best for you :)

We all have our demons Amberdextrous ... I understand how powerful yours must be. I wish you luck in at least meeting them head on.

Thank You, friends old and new, for your words of support, advice, encouragement and faith in me. I am humbled by your comments, and will be sure to send PMs to all, in time. It certainly feels good to know that the best of EP -its non-judgemental nature- has not changed.<br />
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It is Day Six now, and my brain has begun producing its own endorphins again, so I am feeling -physically- a little better, a lot more human. Intellectually, I know there are only a couple more days of aches and pains to be endured. Psychologically... I am still a bit of a mess; depressed, of course; directionless; and utterly ashamed. But determined... and even hopeful.<br />
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For those who expressed concern about my son, I thank you for the further reminder that I have responsibilities outside myself, and assure you that he is always uppermost in my mind and heart. When I went clean ten years ago it was because I recognised that James needed at least one stable parent, and his mother was likely to struggle with her own addiction. Focussing on his needs will certainly be a major factor in my determination to stay clean.

Whoa, think of your son, doesn't he need you more than you need your narcotic crutch? Having spent my 20's in a vodka/cocaine fueled fog I can understand your situation - a little. I wouldn't have lived to be 30 except for meeting my wife - a dominant strong willed woman that fit my submissive weak willed personality like a glove. Seek help and good luck -----

No Fun, aye? It's deep seated, but not. It's hopeless, but it's not. I need attention! I am different! No, no, no and more NO.......Wants and Needs.....that's the question? What do you want? Do you want to feel hopeless? Do you believe you can change? WTF? It got to me as I grew older. I saw my life in a different way......To each their own.....but I'm gonna say......take what you want......or don't .....

Hi there. I can't say I know the pain that withdrawal is causing you, but I do understand the guilt and shame. I have a gambling addiction which continues to get the better of me. While I am not trying to compare the two, I know the feeling of falling back into something because you have the money to do so. It is extremely encouraging that you have shared this story and I'm sure there are plenty of people on here in similar positions who can offer support. While I have no experience with this subject I would always be willing to listen and offer honest opinions if you ever needed to talk about anything. I don't expect you to take up the offer from a complete stranger commenting on one of your stories for the first time, but know that my inbox is always open. You sound like a good person and I'm sure you will manage to kick it for good. Best wishes and good health to you, and the very best luck for the future.

Uncle A *runs and hugs you*

well amberdextrous i dont know much about drug addictions but i do know one thing...and that is that the power of Lord God can liberate you from whatever discomfort ur body is going throughand what ever chains that have you bound to heroin...the Lord can give you ur victory all you have to do is cry out to him whereever u are at and he will respond. GOD BLESS YOU Amber and may the Lord be with you.

All I can say is good luck. I hope like yu I soon have the strengh to let ppl know of my relapse. Three years I've been clean of cocaine and recently I started using againg but I'm hidding it pretty good for now let's c how far I can go. Good luck.

My sentements are the same as all your friends here, you know whats in front of you, the only thing I ask of you is... please be true to your son... I wish you well.

I think going public, being honest with your friends (and more importantly yourself) is the biggest step towards conquering these demons. You have done it before, you know what you are up against. I hope this is the last time you have to go down this path. Good luck. Be strong!

I agree with Sara. My mother went to AA, these organisations are there to offer support, and you will find a lot of support there if you can get to one.

Please... I feel for you... I went through this with alcohol.... AA saved my life.... give NA a chance... if you can't get to a meeting... get to a detox....

Dex, you have my full support, my friend :) We all want to pull ypu through this, and you can pm me anytime, whether you're feeling good or feeling ****, basically, and need a chat. It is really great, you know, to hear from you after all this time, and being so open and candid. All the best :)


*sobs*<br />
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Thank You friends.

Im with Polly on this one x