A Loner In The Military...with A Bisexual Foot Obsession. Help!

I'm a 24 year old, African/Jamaican American man--a new member of the US military.

Before I share this part of me, let me start off by saying that most of my family is religious.
I'm not very religious but I believe in God, and his Son, Jesus Christ. (I prefer to call myself a Disciple rather than a "Christian")
I also believe God (and company) hates this sexual deviance within me.

I'm trying to find my full self as a man and experience what I like--instead of hiding in shame and hating myself. I thought joining the military would help make that better and give me a sense of pride. Instead, I feel WORSE than before because of the demons I have to fight daily...and the standards I must meet. You have to be a bad-@$$ to be in ANY branch of the military.

Well, I'm a beta-male, a loner with a short temper. Also I'm a bit late for the Maturity Train and I'm not very physically attractive. Hence, I've been forced to go almost 25 years without a romantic relationship...let alone general sex. (While apparently, most males only have to live about 16 years.) So basically, I have a high degree of sexual frustration. Not that I can't get any satisfaction (like women when they're sexually frustrated) I just can't get any. lol

I love women, but at the same time, I'm starting to hate women, because I've extended a lot of love towards them only to receive hatred from them. I hear about all the non-benefits of being in a relationship because of all the laws, media, etcetera. So I'm just not trying to get royally screwed over.

Here's where it gets gritty:

With all of that B.S. going on, I've been hiding a deep-seeded obsession that connects with a few other things.

The main obsession is feet...and as painful as it is to say, it could possibly be a bisexual obsession. I've identified as a straight male...I mean, I love the underground Hip Hop/Neo Soul sound and I make beats. That's a heterosexual sound. (to me, anyway)

So this whole obsession is f*cking with me. In the mental. Pick any mental. Instra', Funda', Detra'...(my Talib Kwali fans know what I just said.)

Again, I have identified as straight for the longest time. But as of late, I've found myself having problems doing so.
And being chronically unable to get a date or establish a relationship with a woman is NOT helping. And I love an attractive woman's body all over, REGARDLESS! lol (Preferably, a Latina)

My biggest fear (and a fantasy at the same time) is being "outed" by a gay man who likes show his feet. And just because I have that partial attraction to men, that does NOT mean I'm interested in trying anal--ANYTHING. Hell to the no! **** what you heard! That sh*t is not cool. Not even a little bit! Zero fun, sir! Either way you look at it, it's a crappy deal. lol

Moving on:
This whole thing started when I was 4 years old. Starting with feet in socks--Now it's feet period. (My favorite part of the foot is the sole. Nothing like seeing the foot flexed, toes pointed in socks, and the natural wrinkles the feet make in a pair of socks. Or just the rubbing together of such.)
Some times I think about how the feet would look based on the type of body build or even the style of shoes worn by a man or woman.

I learned to hate it and mask it, because I was already getting picked on and tormented by my peers for other things. The last thing I needed was to grow up with is the whole foot fetish label. But I've been obsessed with and turned on by feet for the longest time, to the point where I think about feet all the time. And for some reason, I like male feet more, because of the muscular build/boldness of them. I like women with bigger-than-average or masculine feet. This problem connects with music and other media.

And since 2000, I have built up a MASS collection of erotic material related to my obsession. I've even talked to the infamous Dug Gaines a couple times about this. But he's not a counselor, he just runs a web site and talks about his experiences on the matter.

There are things I can't stand to do, watch, or listen to without having to leave to try to focus on something else. In other words, triggers that frustrate me sexually.

A: Since I'm in the military, being trained in a fighting style is recommended:
I don't think I'll be able to survive a class of a fighting style. Not just because I would get my *** whooped. But because it's just feet everywhere.

I had a fellow Airman that I work with is an attractive Christian dude with a European (sounds like Russian) accent, who grew up in an African country.. invited me to learn his fighting style. I turned it down. I haven't the time to lose a good friend who could help me spiritually, but I think about how his feet would look every time I see him. I hate it so much. I can just feel the burn of judgment coming, and not necessarily from him, but ME.

B: I can't watch certain media/sports.
The Gymnastics/Swimming portions of the Olympic Games--Or even Mixed Martial Arts. Once again, feet everywhere. I get hard and have to leave or change the channel. Any time feet pop up on TV, it's a problem.

C: Certain music turns me on; Obsession with the deep resonance of bass drums:
I can't help but think about feet and sex in general. It covers the main popular genres, but mainly House Music/Electronica/Happy Hardcore, Country, some Rock, some Rap/Hip-Hop.
Anything with deep thumping/throbbing sound of a bass drum. (Not the constant attack-and-decay booming bass heard in most 808-kick rap today)
And I hear that low bass drum resonance it makes me think about the tuner "not exactly" on a radio station and that weird, static, rattling sound that comes of negative clip static and bass of any kind.
House Music is the main one now, like any music produced by David Guetta. "Sexy B*tch" Reminds me of walking or stomping on a floor.
And every time I hear music like this, I have to fight back the bulge. Along with thoughts of feet in pushed into/rubbed on the cr*tch and face.
Also, what part of the human body operates the bass drum of a drum set? The foot.

D: The Human voice:
Mainly women...some times men...Singing, laughing, talking. Moaning is obvious. Accents... It connects to the obsession with feet because of the natural thing that happens when just being with a person, their gonna talk/laugh. But every time I hear a person sing, like a woman or a dude with "the hot voice", I just think of feet again.

E: General things people do with their feet:
But the one that occurs the most and gets me is when people put their feet up on an object. (table or other elevated surfaces)
I can't help but look, even for a bit. And the worst part is that when down time is evident at the shop, people kick their feet up like that all the time. Or even MENTIONING feet.

Along with those triggers, there are just those general thoughts that torment me about feet. Mainly just getting off with feet.

I fantasize all the time and I have no way to express it. Basic training was even difficult. And that's where the whole foot obsession started to lean back towards men. Being stuck in a dorm with 50 other dudes in dormitory, I had "what if" thoughts in my head all the time when it came time to go to sleep. Helping people roll their socks and such.
I have problems with that now, living in dorms with 3 other dudes. I just keep to myself. Some times one of the room mates will come out and chill in the comment area of the room and kick his feet up on the table or something. I don't want to look, because of the judgment that could result.
Straight dudes hate sexual energy from other guys...and women hate sexual energy from dudes who don't measure up to "the list."
Not to mention, I'm not looking forward to trying anything with a dude, because I'm not trying to find out first hand what prohibitions D.A.D.T. has to offer.

I've been conflicted by this attraction since I was a small child. I hate it because of the social environment I was raised in. Not to mention confusion of people when they try to interpret religious material or spiritual matters. So I'm afraid to think about sex in general. And thinking about sex with another dude, with just feet or whatever is still VERY uncomfortable for me. But I guess by now, it's a part of me. I hate it and I am deeply afraid of expressing it.
I've been deeply depressed by this and have wrestled back and forth with suicidal thoughts. I am getting professional help but it's spotty. Heck, why not get it? I'm in the military, right?

I need help with this--Either to experience it by acting out fantasies or by just talking/venting to get rid of or pursue it in a healthy way. A friend of common interest would be appreciated. Male or female.

Contact me by personal message, facebook (which I can disclose privately) or whatever if you can help me out. I understand that this is a lot to read but thanks to who ever took the time to read it.
Any military members reading this probably thought they were in CDC's all over again. lol
SickBeast2013 SickBeast2013
22-25, M
1 Response Jan 21, 2013

Brutha! You sound like my twin! I'm the same way except I've learned to accept my foot fetish! I've tried so many ways to not and it just happens. Anything related to male feet and I'm instahard haha.. It doesnt Help that I live I miami where everyone wears sandals year round. I'm not gay and I fall into that same category of not being "on the list" I'm a 26 year old male and I can relate to just about every sense of your story. If you wanna talk more then hit me up. I've always wondered how other males n my situation handle their frustration. PM me if you wanna chat some more yo! Thanks for posting