Struggling Right Now

Ok this is my first post on the Experience Project.
I met my marine corps sweetheart several years ago in a college history class. He is the most wonderful man I have ever met - sweet, kind, thoughtful, generous... he's a giver. We started dating over a year and a half ago and we lived together for over a year while he was waiting for an opening in TBS. At the beginning of November he left for TBS and will be there until June or July (pending any changes).

I have been very lucky because most days we can skype if only for a few minutes and he was able to come home for a few days at Thanksgiving. He'll be home for Christmas too and I know that probably won't always happen.

Some days are perfectly fine, everyone keeps telling me to keep busy and not focus on his absence... so I try. I send him letters all the time, care packages and his platoon buddies love my cookies... lol! But when I see him at night and he looks so exhausted and stressed I have a hard time keeping it together especially since I've been struggling myself with the loneliness. It's bad enough that I can't be with him physically but to watch him struggle is very tough. He's also in a lot of physical pain, they push the men so hard.

I feel so selfish and guilty because I miss him like crazy and want to tell him all the time. Is it so bad that I hate living here in this house without him? Since college I moved home and have no real friend base (no one my age in this little town). He gets frustrated with me when he can tell I'm depressed but I don't want to talk about it. I just think - how could I put that on him when he's already so stressed and tired. Unfortunately he still knows I'm upset, even if I don't say anything.

Last night we had an argument about it and I couldn't stop crying. I've never been one for crying but since he left... I've been pathetically crying all the time... I feel like I've lost something but it doesn't make sense because he's not really gone.

What do I do... there is a lifetime of this ahead of me and right now its a major struggle? I grew up in a military family so it shouldn't feel this raw but it does anyway. Does anyone have any advice?
Cyberdiva113 Cyberdiva113
22-25, F
4 Responses Dec 15, 2012

This is my experience: when my Marine was deployed and we got to talk I always tried to tell him only good things even if I was having a bad day. Hey, just talking to him changed my mood to a happier one  but one time we did a video call and he noticed something weird with me. I didn’t want to tell him (and in this part I’m difficult, I’ve been a closed person in all my relationships) but he made me tell him. He insisted and insisted until I told him; I don’t even remember what it was, it wasn’t related to us, but it worried me. So I told him, he listened and helped me through it. Do you want to know something else? He asked: “is there anything else you want to tell me? We can talk about it until you feel ok”. Isn’t that amazing?! That is why I love him so much. No guy has ever told me that.

Bottom line: he wants to know, always. Humm I do keep in mind what is he doing at that time, I don’t want to influence his safety. But yes, when you find the time, tell him. My boyfriend, he doesn’t mind if I cry or beg him not to go haha in fact, he said it makes him feel I care; just don’t over do it, a little loving cry will be ok.

The best thing I've found to work is express how youre feeling and why but reassure him that you'll be ok and let him know you love him, you're there for him and you wish you could help him destress even if he already knows it they still like to hear it. Do your best to keep busy and always remember this will pass and you'll be together soon

Thank you Lexie!

why dont you show some support rather than argue and nag with him about it - you know from the beggining that he was in the military - and you know what is involved with those in the military - you know there are times when he will be deployed and you nagging about and arguing with him about it is not showing support at all and just makes it worse - just be strong and show your support and you see that he is struggling and all you wanna do is gripe and whine and argue with him - does that make it better for him when you do that? you said he was also stressed and tired - how does your arguing with him make it any better?

true but are you also saying that she should just sit back and not say anything at all? to me that's not how a real relationship works. Yes, she knew he was in the military however, his decisions now involve her now and he should keep that in mind. communication is the key in a military relationship and if both sides aren't willing to talk and communicate then chances are the relationship won't work.

yeah but arguing with him about it doesnt make it any better - you seen that she had already stated that he was tired and stressed out and when you complain and argue about it - does that really make the stress any better - i have a cousin in the army and he is married by the way to her and she has always supported him - never complained about h im being gone because she knew it was for a good cause and knew she would see him again - but this woman who nags and argues with him does not make the situation any better

who says that she is nagging him? I don't believe that I read that she was nagging him. She even said that she didn't want to put that on him and didn't want to talk about it. I've been there and done that and trust me that also makes it worse. The best thing to do (in my opinion) is to talk about it. If he is a good guy and loves her he will also want to take the stress off of her shoulders as much as he can. If "this woman" just sits back, bottles it all up, and doesn't say anything throughout their life together that is going to be plain miserable for her, and him. There are ways of talking about it and being supportive at the same time. I tried keeping thing bottled up and not telling my fiance about how I was feeling and it made me feel even worse. And to top it off it was unnecessary. However, I think what you are trying to say is that there is a right time for this am I right? If not, then there is a right time or a different time that will also help the couple from fighting. Most of the time, he will be stressed out and exhausted just because he is in the military. But that does not mean that he is excused from talking about things with his spouse. My fiance is in the Marine Corps and he has deployed once and we are getting ready to get transferred. We've been in a long distance relationship until recently so I've been around the block a few times.

and it goes in the same way if she loves him enough she would also do what she can to relieve some of the stress that he is going through as well - im sick of women bitching about their men because they are doing their jobs so they can have the money to support their families - this is why women are not even worth being with because so many of them want to argue and they do not show support - how is this woman showing her support? - you see that she stated she got into an argument about him being gone - is that showing support - women look for anything to fight about - but there are plenty of spouses that get along great and actually show support yeah that means talk about it - that means show support and be supportive -

Excuse the convo interruption but if you don't wanna see women complain about military life get off the support site. This is supposed to be a place to get advice on how to better deal with things not to have people like you putting them down for needing help and support when its stressful on both sides. my man would freak if I just left everything bottled up and never let him know I was sad or frustrated through this deployment he wants to know for one thing being affected by it shows how much we care.

exactly its supposed to be a support for advice not complaints - just be aware that there are also spouses who support each other even when they are deployed - my cousin is a perfect example - sure the one she is married to was in the army and she did not have to argue or nag - she knew what kind of life he had in the army and was always there to support him and when she has things bottled up she doesnt nag and argue with him about it she shows her support because she knows that kind of life they have in the military and there are thousands of others who show support as well - they are there for them - they encourage them - they tell them how much they miss them - its about encouraging others not tearing them down - and yes this is a site for encouragement and getting advice from others

We're supposed to be supportive. This was just friggen mean and very innapropriate. Plus, by you satig that it gives me the impression you're really not a marine girlfriend and have no idea what any of us are going through.

exactly you are supposed to be supportive and yes i do know what you are going through - my cousin is a wife of a soldier and she has shown her support for him every day he has been gone - she didnt complain - she didnt start arguing with him - because she knew what kind of life and how hard it was for him being overseas and what they have to endure - do you have any idea what a soldier goes through when they are deployed?- have you been in war? - do you have any idea what its like? - do you thing arguing with him is gonna make it better for him?- so you also have to realize what its like for them because they also go through a tremendous amount of stress while they are overseas - and knowing they are in the military when they start dating - they also have to make a living to support their family - he is showing support by making the money so that he can care for his family and when spouses want to argue and drag down their spouses who are deployed are not really showing support

You just told me that you're not even in a military relationship. You can hear what it's like from your cousin, but you will NEVER know what we go through until you experience it. It's harder than you will ever know. So if you're going to tell a girl who's struggling and upset to " keep it to yourself ad stop nagging" then you don't belong on this site. Because you have no idea what all of us are going through.

this is a public forum and anyone is welcome here - there is no rule that states anything you have mentioned about someone not belonging here because they have a different point of view than you - but you are more than welcome to put me on block and yes i do know what you are going through so to tell me that i dont know what you are going through is wrong - because i was in a relationship with someone when i was in the gulf war so i know exactly what you and others are going through - but go ahead and put me on block and be done with it

Ok I just want to say one thing, it is true that this is a public forum, but this particular group is for marine gfs, fiancees, and wives. Are you one of those? We come here for support and for advice and to have someone like you (who CURRENLTY is NOT in a military relationship or a strong military relationship) put one of us down is unnecessary and just plain rude. Honestly, haven't you heard of "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all"? We don't judge on here and honestly you may have been in the gulf war but you were over there and your spouse was over here. Do you really know how she was feeling while you were gone? She was probably feeling the same way as we have all felt while our men are away. One more thing, we military spouses not only stick by our men but we also stand by each other, so posting something like that on here was just pointless and a waste of your time. Go find a group that is just as rude and mean as you and you will fit right in.

Sincerely,
One pissed of Marine Fiancee

how am i being rude? - how am i being mean? - any examples? this is still a public forum and it does not state that you have to be in a military relationship to be here in this forum - just so you know - and yes i do agree that you need to stick by them when they are gone - this is a part of life and you all know this - maybe if some spouses would quit arguing about their man being gone although it is not in their control you know that he is going through alot of stress just being away from you as well as ll the pressures that they face in the middle east - he is over there because he has to make the money to support you and the rest of his family - again this SITE is not just limited to people like you and any one can comment

You really should attempt to not comment on what you really know nothing about. Kindly stop posting on my wall and/or my stories. Your negative attitude and lack of understanding is unhelpful and rather heartless. Go find someone else to abuse and put down - you are unwelcome here.

i know nothing about it - i lack understanding? -how am i being negative? - you are the one who was making it harder on your husband? you know all the stress he goes through over there and you knew he was in the military - and you are the one that knows nothing about war - have you ever served in a war? - do you have any idea what its like? - you are the one who was putting him down when you complain and put him under more stress just because you are lonely and you are frustrated so you take it out on him - but i am happy that you had a talk with him and are more happy about it - complain to the commander in chief hes the one who sent him over - you act like that it is your husband the one who has control over it - thank you for being more supportive of him and not drag him down while you have no idea what he is going through - so yes i do know because i have been there and done that - good luck to ya

You obviously didn't read my post. Because if you did you would know that we are not married. You would know that he is in TRAINING. You would know that we fought because he wanted me to tell him what was going on... and you would know that I also have had several family members in the military - not all the wives deal with it well. You are a nasty bitter person who has no real personal experience and doesn't know from either angle (be it the soldier's or the significant other's) what this experience is like. Find a better post to exhibit your bitter and lackluster answers and personality.
Good luck.

Couldn't agree with you more. This guy or girl or whoever they are is way out of line and doesn't belong on here.

And yes! This is a public forum but it is also a page where you sign up if you "ARE THE GIRLFRIEND OF A US MARINE" are you? No. Then you don't have this experience and I have no idea why the heck your on here to begin with. These girls are one of our biggest support systems,and I love them all to death. Your not gonna come in here and tell us were wrong for asking for help an support. And no, I'm not going to block you because I'm going to be the bigger person here. You don't know what were going through, and I'm going to nicely ask you to please leave this page if your not going to be supportive and respectful to these strong women and myself.

14 More Responses

My fiance and I went through something like this a little over a year ago when he was deployed. The only thing that I can tell you is that even though he was exhausted and stressed it made it better when I told him what was wrong. I started getting a little depressed because he was gone and Christmas was coming up. I tried to deny it but in the end I told him and it actually brought us closer in our relationship. It will make him feel better knowing that you can lean on him when you need it. It will also make it worse for you if you keep it bottled up. It's not healthy for you and it really will make you depressed. I know you want to be strong for him but this is what my fiance told me "I don't expect you to be strong 100% of the time. This is partly my job, to take some of the stress from you." And you will also take some of the stress from him as well. It's ok to tell him how you are feeling even though he is gone. It will also make him feel like he is still apart of your life even though he is so far away. I hope this helps.

Hey marinesgirl 189 I really appreciate everything you have said. I spent a lot of time with my family over the past two days and I talked with my sweetheart last night - you were right... We talked it out and we are both happier today. He told me flat out not to hold it in and to let him know when I'm having a rough day because he can relate. I will keep most things to myself because there is no reason to burden him needlessly but your support is very appreciated and I hope we can continue to talk. This forum has already been a great way to relieve some of the loneliness and frustration.