I Want To Escape, But I Can't...

I, as this forum states, am a married cross-dressing male. I would like to add some adjectives such as happy, comfortable, adjusting, self-assured, and so on but the truth be told I feel like my need to cross-dress is putting too much strain on my life and I find myself crying uncontrollably at the thought of where I am at today. Depression, guilt, shame, anxiety is more like where I am at. I feel like my need to cross-dress is absorbing almost every free moment for me, and I truly appreciate all those incredibly brave and supportive people that have gone before me here. I wish I could have an ounce of this strength too pass along like so many of you have, but that is not me. Honestly I am not sure why I am writing except for some psycho-analytic need to talk or be heard, and know there are professionals there to help etc. etc.

So, my cross-dressing exploration started in my teens (trying on Mother/Sister's things) and I tried dressing fully on occasion in my early 20s. I have never had any courage then beyond the closet, and purged myself a couple of times due to shame and insecurity. At the end of my 20s, I met the most amazing person in my life, my wife and for the only time in my life I felt like I had found someone that I could share the rest of my life with. I still feel that strongly with her today, as no matter how hectic our day has become we spend time at the end of it talking and sharing together. In my 30s, we had our only daughter and once again the happiness of being a father to her is an indescribable joy. I am now 40, and cannot think of anything better in my life right now that to spend more time with both of them.

While I am so happy being the dad in the family, the desire to cross-dress on occasion seems like an inescapable feeling. For the past 3-4 years, I have been secretly adding my wardrobe starting with undergarments and now expanding into full outfits. I have never ventured outside, and I feel like the moment I do the whole world will come crashing down. But during these brief moments alone when I can dress up, I feel like I can finally breathe and relax, almost like bobbing up from underwater to catch a breath knowing that my arms are too weak to sustain me on the surface. I find myself walking through department stores rummaging through racks, looking around at the stares of other women who realize that I shouldn't be there and wish I could just be the way I should be.

This hopeless feeling perhaps best describes how I feel emotionally, and am tired of fighting and I feel that I should just stop struggling and let it all go. I have read many, many posts looking for some golden solution from both men & women in a cross-dressing relationship, and have come to a realization that there is no solution for me. I have tried to broach the subject with my wife and been shut down, and like some of the honest women have written I can not see her every accepting my desire as part of our relationship. I could never bear to see the woman I love doubt her incredible beauty and doubt the attraction and love that I hold for her that I know my revelation would cause. Add my young daughter for whom I am trying not to screw up, and I start bawling thinking there is no way out.

I know that many people say to talk it out and accept this, but after thinking through all possible scenarios there are 2 outcomes to decide upon - either being a lonely cross-dresser miserable after the guilt and shame of letting my family know or maintaining the false facade of being the male role model while hiding deeper within my personal closet. I sometimes fantasize just packing up all my femme stuff and starting a new life far, far away somewhere where no one would recognize me, but that wouldn't answer anything.

Yes, I know that I should feel the guilt of misleading my wife and family of what I really am, but I had no intention of ever going down this road it just happened. I didn't want to be this way, I love her and still do today, and I wish I knew myself better before getting to where I am today. I wish so bad I could just take a pill or something to magically fix everything, but I can't and lamenting the fact is pointless. I hate being a man in society, but the sense of shame and dread makes me realize what decision I must choose. I cannot live without my family, and have packed away all my wardrobe and need to take that step to the dumpster again. I started there this morning but only got it to the trunk of my car, and then sat down inside of it and had a good long cry. I feel like I am at the end of what I can take, and I am paralyzed with fear and lack the courage to do anything about it.

I apologize if I am a drama queen and know so many others have overcome so much more, but this is just the selfishness of me coming through I guess. I wish that someday perhaps society will understand all of us that cross-dress as being beautiful but I know I will not see that day. For those of you that have been through this I look up to all your personal strength, and wish you the best in life ahead.

Jacqueline
Jaclyn9 Jaclyn9
36-40, T
16 Responses May 10, 2012

Only you can make the judgement of whether to tell your wife and child, but I don't think you should feel guilty about crossdressing.

It can get better! My wife has known about my interest in panties & lingerie for years and been okay with me just wearing panties. I recently confessed that I am also bi-sexual and told her in great detail about the 5 ***** I have sucked during our marriage. She was in denial at first but months later she understands I have needs she cannot fulfill. We are happily married still. She just does not want to hear about my exploits. In time your girl will accept that crossdressing is a part of you.

I feel bad for all of you living in secret. My boyfriend is a long time cd and I wouldn't want him any other way. It's who he is and I couldn't fathom asking him not to do what makes him happy. The funny thing is I shop in the men's section for my shirts and sneakers....I'm not comfortable in a dress and hose....I hate when I have to wear them. He loves to be all dressed up and I'm not one to take that away...I actually find it a turn on...I love him for who he is and not what he wears. Chocolate in any wrapper is still chocolate....so why would a person change just because of their wrapper....Love is love and everyone deserves to be loved for who they are not what they wear.

I wish you all luck Big Big Big hugs and much love

I'm in the same place - long time crossdreser who is straght, married and wih children. Dep in the closet ant the only ones who know are my online friends here. I have purged many times normally associaed with a move and as a matter of fact, I am rescocking now. So, unless there is some reason for you to purge - don't do it. It's expensive, you will lose some great lingerie and you will just want to go bu more. I always do. There are some folks who have suggested a therapist. Probably not a bad idea if you can get to one safely. If not, there a lot of folks with experience here. We have all charted our own path and have figured out how to deal with our crossdressing. Some with great courage and risk have come out all the way, others have simply found ways to enjoy our crossdressing privately and occasionally. I won't tell you what to do - that's certainly not for me to sa but I will tell you that you are not alone and we are all willing to share how we cope with it. Hang in there and panty on!

I too understand where you are at. I know it feels like you will never be able to feel accepted by the one person who should accept you no matter what. My wife has agreed to be open to talking about it with me (within reason; for her) and she tries to allow me time when possible for me to be able to express myself without letting any of our three children know what is going on. <br />
For me I am going to try to get with a support group where I can take a day each month to completely let the other person inside come out and play in an environment where she can and will feel accepted. Look around and see what you can find because sometimes having a support group can be far more valuable then any counselor. <br />
Don't give up, as you can see there are so many of us that are here offering our support to you. All you have to do is ask.<br />
<br />
Freja

Jacqueline, I could write paragraphs and repeat pretty much what has already ben said before me. Instead I will just offer you the caring and understanding shoulder of a sister. You are not alone luv, if you need to talk there are countless of us here ready and willing to listen and offer a caring, supportive hand.<br />
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(((HUGS)))

There is a book on this subject and it will help answer some ot the questions you have on this problem its for sale on amazon its call crossdressing with dignity by Peggy Rudd. I hope this can help you. I wish you the best

I have many of the same issues & guilt and depression as well. Add to that the fact that I am bi-sexual and finally came out to my wife months ago and it gets more complicated. I didn't tell her the whole truth that I have sucked 4 or 5 ***** since we married 22 years ago.

You have had quite a few suggestions here. Don't get rid of your stash. It's too costly to replace....been there done that with disastrous results(long story). <br />
I suggest you also find a gender therapist and work out who and what you are...just a cross dresser or is there more to it. Also I suggest at least your first visit is by yourself before you include your wife.<br />
I wish you good fortune.

35, one year old daughter. Your story is so familiar to me it chokes me up. My wife sort of knows but doesn't want to. Telling her is a huge leap of faith, but it is far better than her finding out for herself.<br />
I don't think I can say anything that hasn't already been well said.<br />
Good luck, and hang on in there. Big hugs x

I, too could have written this story. There are some minor changes such as I have sons instead of a daughter. My oldest knows but doesn't say anything. He has caught me dressed twice in the past year. My wife doesn't know this, she thinks that I have kept it from them. If she knew the truth, I probably would be living by myself for the rest of my life. I haven't dresses in about 9 months and yes, I miss it. I feel I am suffering in silence.

I hope it eventually changes and oyu can talk to your wife openly about your CD. I have an open relationship with ny boyfriend and he knows I am transgender/transsexual. He's good with it all, but not everyone is as he is. I wish you the best, gurlfriend.

I am sorry that your wife shut you down when you tried to talk to her about your crossdressing. I realize both your out comes are not very good ones, but try not to be to hasty on your decision. I think a counselor might be a good start, they might be able to get you on the right path. Even though your wife shut you down, maybe she would be willing to listen long enough for you to suggest that she takes your daughter for an all day trip somewhere, so you can have a day to yourself.<br />
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I would suggest that you do not throw away (purge) your female clothing. Put them away in the garage or in the back of some closet.<br />
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There is not one right answer for everyone, that would be too simple. I have an understanding wife (who does not participate with me) and I still struggle on who I am. There are days I want to get all dressed up in my frilly lingerie and stay that way every night after work, but then I wonder what is the point. So even though I am not going through what you are going through, I still can feel your pain.<br />
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I wish you good luck on the decision you make.

I know this place, and believe me there is no escape but there is resolution. Some people can be content to cross-dress and enjoy a bit of that space. Others of us are not cross-dressers really at all. It took me a year of 50/50 male/female living to come to terms with being transgender, with the scales then rebalancing gradually to transsexual. There is no avoiding it, but there is resolution, and you must not feel guilty or that you have deceived anyone. There are reasons we can't tell others, especially loved ones, and not least because we ourselves do not understand or know. None of us has been taught what gender is, only a superficial idea that it is polarised into male and female.<br />
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So here we find ourselves, and must come to an appreciation, an acceptance and embracing that what we are may be different, may not suit our loved ones, but is not bad or wrong. It is the way things are. I am now living as a woman, probably facing separation and divorce, disowned by my daughter, but actually at peace with myself for the first time. This is not just how I have to be, it is how I am. We all suffer the misunderstanding of gender, and that is the problem, not us. Sadly, if others cannot come to appreciate that misunderstanding and come to terms with it, they write themselves out of our lives, or out of the roles they have played. And for all the grief this may cause, it is not our responsibility.. No more essay. If you would like more of my own progressive thinking I have a lot of EP stories (watch the dates - it's been a journey!) and a blog: http://www.andiesplace.co.uk<br />
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my best wishes, and by all means PM me.<br />
<br />
Andie

Wow, I am so with you! You describe to a tee how I feel these days, you are not alone my dear sister! I know your pain and it sucks, it truly does. I am going to a counselor to help me deal with this pain. I want to find a way to live with these desires without having to transition or go insane. I would suggest finding a good counselor that deals with gender issues. I would make clear to them that your goal is to stay with your family and can they help you do that without imploding. It helps a great deal to be able to talk to someone you can trust face to face about this and them not judge or ridicule you. It's not a fix mind you, but it helps. Good luck hon!!

Thanks for the advice, I hope to find someone to talk with but not sure how much that will help. Best of luck to you.

Jacqueline,<br />
Thank you for sharing. It is good to get your thoughts together and share them. I wish you luck in your journey and offer my little bit of support.

Thanks Isabella for the wishes. I really feel lost right now and appreciate the support.