One To Talk To..

I have been married for 4 years. My husband is a good guy, has always taken good care of me, but we have no sexual relationship for a majority of our marriage bc he takes a medication that is made him have no sexual desire (he has no medical insurance so no getting anything to help with this problem and he needs to take this other medication bc it's a life or death medication). I was also on a mediaction that made it so I had no sex drive for awhile but I am no longer, so my sex drive is back. The medication he is on has also made him gain weight, and I know I am going to sound like a horrible wife but I am not attracted to him anymore, so even if he did want sex, I don't think I would want it. I started seeing any another man 6 months ago, I really wasn't sure what I was looking for at the time, but he treated me so good, he made me feel wanted and needed. He told me all the things he wanted us to do together, that he would leave his gf and we would be together, we could have the family I always wanted...He said he loved me and I soon found myself in love with him. Things were great for the first couple months even though I could only see him once every couple of weeks. Then my husband got relocated for his job, I stayed behind (employement reasons). So here i was basically alone and now my lover starts backing off. He hardly ever wants to see me, we basically just text message. So we talked about how this was bothering me, and he said he would try harder bc he wanted us to be together and he did, things were starting to get back to the way they were. It has come to the point that I have to make my decision about moving, and I was ready to ask for a separation from my husband, and I ask my lover if he is ready to leave his gf and it's been 24 hours and no answer. He told me just like week he would be ready when I nothing. I feel like he was playing me, he never intended to leave. I can't talk to anyone about this, my heart is broken...My husband has no idea why I'm so upset and I can't tell him. How do you move on from an afffair? I loved this man I was having the affair with more then I had ever loved anyone.
MisshimM1428 MisshimM1428
31-35, F
4 Responses Sep 11, 2012

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Honey, please don't let your heart rule your mind. You're not happy with your husband, end the marriage. Be happy with yourself, by yourself. When that happens then you'll be able to find the right companion. You're young and your whole life is still ahead of you!

I have never been in this scenario but from your desc<x>ription your lover was more about the chase and the danger that possibly getting caught was adding to the relationship. I am not here to judge you in any way but I do have some advice. It is your choice to take it or not but I urge you to think about it. Don't you think you owe it to your husband to let him know that you need more in a relationship than he is able to give? You both deserve to be loved equally and if he is putting his all into a relationship and you are giving him 20% then that isn't fair to either one of you. I am not saying to confess your affair but you do need to have a serious conversation with your husband. I think one of the thrills of an affair is the fact that it is secret and forbidden so if you take the secrecy out of it then it isn't quite as much fun. Moving away from your lover may be the easiest ways to get over him but are you moving to be with your husband because in some way you still care or you feel some obligation to him? My mom always told me that you dance with the boy who brought you to the dance but when you can't agree on the music there needs to be some serious communication or you are just going to step on each other's toes. I wish you peace and happiness as you continue on this journey.

You have given me a lot to think about..I feel like I am obligated to move

:) that was the whole point of my comment to you was to get you to think. You mention a lot about your feelings toward your hubby and the other man but you aren't sure how your husband feels at this point. Let me ask you this.... what would be your reaction right now if you found out the reason he wasn't having sex with you was because he had found someone else and was only staying with you out of a sense of obligation? I am not trying to be cruel... I just want you to back up and think that there are really 4 persons involved in your relationship, and the potential for 4 broken hearts. I know you are hurting but I really think the other man was looking for a thrill, and that he is not feeling it any longer now that you are no longer the forbidden fruit. Does that make sense? You have to take care of yourself first and tie up the loose ends that are there before you will ultimately be happy. You cannot start a relationship that is built on lies and I just really think the other guy was stringing you alone. It would come as a shock to me if he wasn't.

To tell you the truth I would probably be relieved if my husband told me he found someone else..HIGHLY UNLIKELY though. I would not want him to stay with me out of obligation, I would want him to tell me. I think he has a feeling I am unhappy, I just really don't want to hurt him. I am just so confused and feel so alone and don't know how to deal with all these feelings I am having. And I completely understand your forbidden fruit comment and I am almost sure he was stringing me alone...but it still hurts...bad!! Thanks for your feedback. I'm glad I could get this off my chest

Also, just so you know I am basically the one who ended things with the other guy last night...I miss him already, I so want to send him a text but I am trying my best to fight that heart is breaking.

If he is interested still he will contact you. If you chase after him it just makes you look needy. Take care of yourself. Read what you wrote above about "I would want him to tell me." Don't you think he would want the same courtesy? Just saying I know I would want to know. You know that is why I have a mutual agreement with my guy... if there is ever anyone that interests me more than him then he will be the first to know and I am free to date that person, as is he, but there will be no secret lovers for us. it takes some of the fun out of the forbidden fruit because there is no forbidden fruit.

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Also my husband thinks everything is fine iin our marriage, he has no idea how unhappy I am :-(