Caught

I have this dream at night sometimes where there is this tall man (probably tall because I am tall), who follows me around everywhere. I don't know why. Maybe he is related... no, maybe he is in a relationship with me. He is in some position of power and controls everything I do. He makes every single moment of my life more difficult than it has to be until it gets to the point that I do not want to do anything. He does not allow me to talk to my friends and can control me with a simple word. I go to talk to a friend, he says "No friends," and I just walk away in sorrowful isolation. He feeds off my misery.
But I view this as a nightmare, even though I did not wake up afraid, I wake up complacent and defeated. I feel masochistic, but at the same time I fight myself for it. It is almost as though I like the idea of masochism but the actual act frightens me. The idea is what arrouses me but the act only frightens me.
I feel lost sometimes. I feel like revolting against any sort of power, but at the same time I want to be dominated by it. But then when it actually happens I wish it was not.
There are two people online which I talk to who seem to sate whatever screwed up desires I have, even though I hate myself and them for even considering it. One which I roleplay with on occasion, mostly violent scenarios that are only mild enough to meet his desires. Another in which this man is determined to make me feel upset, mad, sad or any other negative emotion because it makes him happy. I stick with it for reasons I cannot fathom. I wish for nothing more than to block him and never speak to him again (which I did successfully for a few months). But there's that dark man's voice from my dreams in my head that tells me not to, like a part of me I cannot control.
I don't know, maybe I am just going crazy.
Amorialla Amorialla
18-21, F
4 Responses Jul 17, 2010

How are you tonight? I love that you're a masochist. I'm looking for a maso slave at the moment...are you single?<br />
<br />
Russell

Well I am not sure if my opinion is one you seek. But I am becoming ever more at ease with the idea of a " head of household", or hoh type relationships. Most of my relationships have been equal. And they have all ended. One going as long as two years, who i did love her at a time but i found the idea of me having to get permission to do things ridiculous. Men by creation or nature are typically more powerful and usually more asserting than women. Look in the animal kingdom, the head of the pack, or family is usually the male. So please don't get offended by this but maybe your dream is a dormant part of you that you attempt to suppress, in order to go along with the more modern relationship where power is distributed equal, or even tilted in the woman favor?

i know exactly how you feel. There are times where I find myself looking at certain gruesomely sexual pictures or reading about certain scenarios and actually getting turned on by it! I feel like it's so weird, so wrong... and I know that I could never actually ENJOY that kind of pain, but thinking about it... well that's a whole different story.<br />
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It is best to just admit to yourself what you want, and to not be afraid of that side of you. Don't try to reject it, just understand it. That's the only way you can deal or move on or whatever it may be.<br />
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I also understand your confusion. You obviously like it when thinking about it, but to be dominated in any way, you said, scares you. Maybe to have anyone have any kind of hold over you (even if it's you loving them and they didn't even know they had the power!) scares you. You are afraid of giving yourself up... afraid of change. Afraid of getting hurt? <br />
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But you also said that you kind of want to be dominated. Maybe it's because the tall man wants it, and him liking it somehow makes you like it. The way he feeds off your sadness, you may feed off his excitement, even if not meaning to! And maybe for the side of you that DOES want to be dominated... well maybe you want to be taken down by someone but in a loving way, and in a way that all ends well :)<br />
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And so maybe your fantasies take over, exaggerating this kind of take down and turning it dark (for that reason I can't be sure at all). And maybe you WANT to surrender but you want someone to MAKE you.

I would say you you should think about the kind of masochist you are, the kinds of things that turn you on, and those that do not. It's a relationship or balance and how ever much we like to pretend it or enact it; know one is powerless. <br />
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If you're not, for example an emotional masochist--as in don't enjoy emotionally or psychologically driven control, you owe it to yourself and your partner to find someone who is into the form(s) you are.<br />
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It may be your just "into the idea", but it's more likely that you're working within mind realms when, for example, you are might desire to be a whipped up controlled sex slave or have someone to beat you when you set the table wrong...or any number of other ex<x>pressions.<br />
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You can long to surrender and submit but it will only work out if the sadist knows your needs and also delights in them. <br />
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One opinion